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by Amy Ensminger
Did
you know that when we argue or are angry, stuff our voice or are unforgiving,
it not only changes our personality, but poisons our physical body? Anger, when fostered turns into bitterness,
which turns into unforgiveness. When you
stuff your voice it creates resentment and negativity which also turns into unforgiveness.
I
am a certified facilitator for CoreMap (Personality Profiling). When I work with clients and/or couples, I
can see in their profile when they get stressed, who they can get stressed with
and what they get stressed about. Don’t
you wish you could have that knowledge with your mate? In all of our relationships, not just the one
that is with our mate those around us don’t always know when, where, why or how
OUR stress will come out either. You can
create your own alarm button with just some simple tools that work, and I know
that because!
Let
me give you an example… Yesterday, I was
‘angry’ with our insurance company because of the hassle it was in dealing with
them about a wreck I’d had the day before.
I was doing my best to stuff that anger vs. exploding all over
them. In the middle of all that mess, I got
a phone call from a sales person telling me that what they thought they could
get for me, they couldn’t. Guess who I
had to work REAL hard at not being mad at? You got it…the sales person. I already knew that she probably couldn’t get
me what I needed, but she called me at a very stressful time. I was already stressed about the wreck;
stressed about the repairs; stressed because my insurance company didn’t show
they had insurance for me at all and then when they found us they hung up on me
transferring me to claims. This poor
sales person called after I got hung up on.
In the past, she would have gotten my wrath…big time! Today, after working VERY hard, let me say it
again…VERY hard, on my spewing & stuffing & how it affects not just my
personality AND physical body, but those all around
me. Today, I use lots of tools to do my
best to manage it. Most of the time,
with God’s help, I am able to do just that so that I can be a woman, wife &
mother that people enjoy being around.
Challenge:
So who are you spewing or stuffing with? Be careful not to nurse your anger or resentment
with them. Learn to manage your stress & how it impacts your personality AND health. Learn to let things go and forgive vs.
holding onto them.
Homework:
Create a ‘code word’ with your mate for when you
need to step away from a argument or conversation that you feel you are getting
angry or resentful about. Ours is “7”…(meaning
if we persist, the 7 deadly sins are about to commence on your head J). Guess what you have to do after this
‘time-out’? You got it – you have to
come back to the conversation with your mate.
SUGGESTION:
Do you want the short cut or the long way of
creating change in these areas? For the
short cut, our training's & workshops have tools and exercises on dealing
with forgiveness, communication & stopping sabotaging behaviors that create
spewing & stuffing? For info
or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
About the Author
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
by Amy Ensminger
For some relationships appreciating your mate is an easy thing to do. I remember years ago when David and I were struggling in our relationship the LAST thing I wanted to do was appreciate him for anything – in fact I would have had a hard time finding anything to appreciate about him because I wasn't willing to look at the good things at all.
Let me ask you a question… how important is it for YOU that your mate appreciates you for what you do for your relationship, family, finances, spirituality, friendships, etc.? You can bet that if it’s important to you to be appreciated you can bet it’s important to them as well. If you are feeling unappreciated or taken advantage of by your mate, based upon years of hearing couples complain in our trainings and workshops, so is your mate when you aren’t appreciating them. As a result, sadly we hear every day about the tendencies to match or even one-up mate’s negative or bad behavior when they don’t feel appreciated. “If he does this, I’m not going to do it either”. “If she doesn’t do this, I’m doing this”.
Today is Valentine’s Day and a PERFECT day for you to start appreciating the largest and smallest things that your mate does. Start your own “appreciation” game and appreciate away whether they do the same or not. If you don’t know where to start – think about every single thing that gets done, is paid for, is created, eliminated, said or taken care of that you don’t have to do – large & small… some or all of it.
Challenge:
It’s time to get the magnifying glass out and look for the things you need to appreciate your mate for. NOTE: Resist the temptation to look at what they don’t do for you and get back on track by identifying every little thing that is helpful, kind or giving that they do for you (and the family).
Homework:
For the next two weeks at least one time a day, lovingly touch your mate’s shoulder or hug them and say “I appreciate it so much that you do/did ___ for me/us”.
Suggestion:
To learn how to communicate, identify red flags in your relationship, get unstuck, learn your mates love language, break free from the prison of unforgiveness attend one of our Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples Training. For info, references or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect
About the Author
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
by Amy Ensminger
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| Dan Dean |
Dan Dean, the Pastor of the church we attend (Quick plug for him…his is a singer in the musical group Phillips, Craig & Dean and they just released their new CD “Breathe In”). Pastor Dan wrote a recommendation about us a couple of years ago encouraging others to attend our training's, workshops & classes that we offer - “It has been my sincere pleasure to watch God at work in the marriage of David and Amy Ensminger. What was once headed for destruction has been healed, restored and greatly blessed. That I am now able to witness the healing and restoration they help to facilitate in the marriages of others is an incredible blessing. I recommend that couples in distress, as well as couples who want to avoid making the kinds of common mistakes that damage even good marriages, avail themselves of the opportunity to learn and utilize the many valuable skills and tools David and Amy are ready and willing to impart.”
Notice in his comments he addressed couples that are in distress AND that are in a good marriage? Although we weren't in a good marriage years ago - at all, we are today. Even being in a good relationship, we too still find it critical and valuable to attend other training's that help us ‘learn and utilize valuable skills and tools’. In doing that, we give our marriage that much needed restoration and renewal so that we don’t make the ‘common mistakes that damage even good marriages’.
So this weekend, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander…we are going to attend a couples training! I commented to David this week, I now understand why it’s hard for couples that are not in a crisis in their relationship to commit to attend our training's or workshops. There is nothing that is driving us/them to attend when all is well on the home-front. Frankly, we aren’t looking forward to attending the training this weekend. I’ve considered every excuse about the need for us to NOT attend and have complained about the time away that we could spend doing ___ (fill in the blank). “BUT”…What I do know is that EVERY single time we invest in ourselves and our relationship by attending a training it pays off in renewal, rekindling & refreshing and surprisingly in restoration for an area in our relationship that has gone unnoticed to me. It takes our covenant to one another, friendship, intimacy and respect to another level. So that is our resolve. That is what is driving us to attend a couples training this weekend. And I think we are worth that – don’t you?
Challenge:
So how about you? ARE YOU WORTH that invest? Let me encourage you to attend a training that will restore, renew, rekindle and/or refresh your relationship.
Homework:
Make a list of the top 10 reasons how you and your relationship would benefit from attending a training. Let me encourage you to ignore as we do the reasons why we shouldn't attend, because they sabotage all the benefits for attending.
Suggestion:
1) Attend Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples Training's. You’ll learn how to communicate, identify red flags in your relationship, and forgive. as well as over 50+ tools on creating a loving & respectful relationship.
2) Attend one or all of our Relationship Tools Workshop Series. They are for singles and couples.
About the Author
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
 I came across this article and thought it was a shining example of how to stay married for 50+ years! And, it also ties in perfectly with the Challenge, Homework and Suggestion, I encourage for you in your own relationship…
Maybe the Rolling Stones said it best: ‘You can’t always get what you want.’ It’s true about all aspects of life, including marriage. During their 50+ years together, Georgette & Richard have faced a lot: layoffs, a serious illness & several periods of bleak finances. These challenges put a strain on their marriage, but Richard & Georgette faced it all with a “bend, don’t break” philosophy.
“It’s just a fact,” Richard says. “Life is not going to turn out exactly the way you hope. After all, no one hopes to become seriously ill, get fired or have a marriage on the rocks. But it happens. So, you have to make adjustments, make a Plan B … or even a Plan C.”
Georgette notes, “I wish all young couples would be told that it’s not a question of IF you’ll face some serious challenge in your life and marriage, it’s a question of when. Then they’d be better prepared to adapt to change and to let go of the things that one simply can’t control. Richard and I might not be as flexible physically as we once we, but mentally and emotionally -- we’re dadgum ballet dancers!”
Challenge: Learn to appreciate that relationships are about unselfish flexibility. Realize that it is ‘normal’ for a relationship to struggle or disagree. It’s HOW you struggle or disagree that makes you different.
Homework: Make a list of at least 1 blessing you, your mate & your family receives in a day. Get creative & do as David & I did and create a “monument” of stones with the name of the blessing written on the stone (see the photo). It’s amazing when you focus on what IS going well, that working together on what isn’t going well doesn’t require as much ‘flexibility’!
Suggestion: To learn how to deal with the sabotaging emotions & behaviors in your relationship that are created by life’s struggles, attend our next available couples training on April 14-15, 2012. Hurry only 12 couple seats left! For more info, testimonies or to register go to: www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com or contact 800.229.9252
When couples use intimate communication it can create attraction. When couples use healthy communication whether in a conversation or in a disagreement, it can create love & respect. On the flip side of the pancake, if you are feeling hurt or anger when you and your mate are talking it could be that intimate, healthy, loving or respectful communication is not being said OR it could also be that you are hearing with a history of brokenness.
The thing about communication is it isn’t just about the words that are said or not said, it’s also about tone, facial expressions and actions and reactions when communicating AND listening. Which leads me to the question -- what does it look like and sound like when you are communicating with your mate? Do they feel loved? Respected? Broken? With both of you – good or bad, you learn how to hear and speak from years of communication with others in your life. Generally it’s your parents, grandparents, teachers, siblings, military, employers, etc. that teach you how communication feels, sounds like and looks like. Either way, your mate simply reinforces or opposes what you learned.
In our couples training we teach over 50+ tools and many of those are focused on what & how we communicate with our mates…or don’t. To help you get started, below are a few ways on how to NOT begin conversations with your mate: OBSERVATION: “Always”, “never”, “must”, “ought to” and “have-to” indicate you are running negative tapes (learn more about tapes in our Couples or Tapes Training's) from parents, grandparents, teachers, siblings, military, and employers. Sadly, it’s a sign that you are criticizing yourself/others & need to work on your communication, not others.
HOMEWORK: If you are using any of the words above in “OBSERVATION”, start keeping a daily log when you use any of these words in ALL of your conversations along with the distorted thoughts and beliefs that someone other than your mate taught you, when you use them.
SUGGESTION: Learn more about communicating with your mate, tapes and distorted thinking at our next available “Creating Intimacy & Respect” couples training/workshop on April 14-15 with your mate. Hurry, limited seating. For info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com or call 800.229.9252
When God graced Amy with life this year by miraculously surviving multiple heart attacks in 2011, it was easy for me to look back at the things that were important & unimportant in the scheme of things to our marriage. Whether its finances, household chores, job & kid-related pressures, in-laws or health challenges, we realize the list of stressors to a relationship could fill a book. Combine those big problems with minor annoyances – snoring, unfinished to-do list, where the toothpaste is squeezed or how the toilet paper is rolled – and the average couple can find enough fuel to keep them bickering 24/7. So the question is … just how much of your relationship do you throw away by complaining, bickering, fussing, fighting or stuffing it about something? Obviously major issues cannot & should not be avoided or stuffed, but the key is showing one another grace. Who is responsible for giving grace in a relationship? If you are in a relationship that is abusive, seek help. Since there is no abuse in mine it’s 100% all on me on how I react or act with Amy & vice versa. I am the one who has to GROW UP & give G-R-A-C-E whether she chooses to or not or even if she deserves it. God forbid you were to loose your mate just as I almost lost Amy twice this past year. The goal is to have lived with many more happy memories than regrets over things that really don't matter in the big picture.5 things that create an Arguments•Interacting/Communicating when in low-resources (tired, hungry, angry, stressed)
•Keeping a record of your mate’s wrongs (unforgiveness)
•Expectations…they will disappoint you every time!
•Selfishness…everything isn’t ALWAYS about you.
•Hearing what you want to hear (not listening)
CHALLENGE: Look at areas in your relationship where YOU can grow up & give more grace.HOMEWORK: When you are NOT at low resources, as a couple, create a safe “plan” on how to talk about hard things that gives more grace than bickering.SUGGESTION: Learn more about “Low Resources”, “Power Listening”, “Safe Communicating" & "Forgiveness" at one of our trainings in 2012: January 21-22, April 14-15, July 14-15 or October 20-21. For more info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com To talk with us, contact 800.229.9252 or info@creatingintimacyandrespect.com
"The Monkey's Fist" is an ancient parable, where Native tribes would catch monkeys by hollowing out coconuts, filling them with bait, then tethering them to trees to lure the monkeys. When the monkey reached into the small opening in the coconut, his hand fit, but once his fist was full of the bait, he couldn't retrieve it so the monkey was trapped.
The lesson for all of us is that the coconut was not the monkey's undoing, but rather his unwillingness to let go of the bait. A common bait for people/couples is clutching onto a behavior/habit that is unraveling their relationship. We hear a variety of reasons why they are unwilling to let go or to get help, and it never fails some months later, I read on FB or hear from them that their relationship is hanging on by a thread, they’re separating or even filing for divorce. So why do we hang onto sabotaging behaviors? Why do we let those behaviors trap us to the point it destroys our relationships, lives, families & faith? Generally it’s simple (& this may sting a bit) -- fear or pride. Then you add on to that fear or pride the distractions in our lives that can erupt those behaviors. When we become unwilling, stubborn, embarrassed or distraught about getting the help we need, we gripe, threaten, control, complain, become angry or sad, nag or whine. Here are a few things to help you take the first courageous step create something different:
STEP 1: Acknowledge that you and your mate are not perfect & NEVER will be. You are like every other person & couple (including David & I) by having issues. The success & strength of people & couples are differentiated in their choices to be willing to set aside fear or pride & do something about it.
STEP 2: Determine if you long for… hope, trust, honesty, safety, peace, joy, love, respect, communication, connection, intimacy, forgiveness, happiness, & whatever else best describes that special, safe & warm place you long for in your relationship.
· If you long for these, skip to Step 4.
· If you long for safety, seek a Professional today.
STEP 3: Look at the behaviors that YOU (not your mate) do that are sabotaging, unraveling or destroying your relationship.
· If you don’t know what they are, skip to Step 4B.
· If you do know what they are go to Step 4
STEP 4: What can you do about those behaviors?
STEP 4A: Maybe you need a self-help book or CD? Or maybe you need to meet with a Professional (Mentor, Life Coach, Mini ster, & Counselor)? If you have behaviors that are unraveling or destroying rarely will a book or CD work. As for a Professional, if you are thinking you might need one at ALL, then you need one! (Our unique training is so effective that many Professionals refer their clients to us to jump-start sessions.)
STEP 4B: I would actually suggest you do this one first and nip it all in the bud by doing something many couples do… attend a Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples Training. There, you & your mate can safely & quickly identify your sabotaging behaviors, their “bates” & learn tools to stop them.
STEP 4C: Get involved with an accountability partner or group.If you or your relationship is struggling right now because of sabotaging baits…behaviors, habits, actions or reactions…you're in a trap and need to release your grip. There's not a better time to let go of that bait & never has there been so many incredible resources for you – more than you could ever hold in your fists. All you have to do is just open your hands!
CHALLENGE: See Steps 1 through 3 above.
HOMEWORK: See Step 4 above.
SUGGESTION: See Step 4B & 4C above. Learn how to identify the sabotaging baits, habits, actions & reactions & learn how to create tools & skills to stop them. Register for one of our four 2012’s Couples Training at the DoubleTree @ Hilton Hotel, Irving, TX. Hurry & register before January 21-22’s class is full! For info or to register go to: www.creatingintimacyandrespect.comTo talk with us, contact 1.800.229.9252 or info@creatingintimacyandrespect.com.
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ster, & Counselor)? If you have behaviors that are unraveling or destroying rarely will a book or CD work. As for a Professional, if you are thinking you might need one at ALL, then you need one! 
