We teach a simple tool in
our Couples Training that we didn't create.
“A tap B”. We learned it from several
other training’s we have attended. Simply
put, the first person to tap the other is “A” and they talk first. The key is that while they are talking B does
NOTHING but listen. Then when its B’s
turn, A does NOTHING but listen. It’s a
perfect tool we use to create safety and respectful communication in our
training rooms.
Although you might not want
to yell “A tap B’ and then reach across the desk and tap your boss telling he/she
“I’m A”, this process works very well in communicating respectfully with others. In using this tool, it shows respect that
each of you need and deserve in a conversation. When used properly it can also
create safety in your relationship when it might otherwise go sideways in a
conversation.
Let’s back up and go to the
beginning. I have a question for you…do you stink at communication in your relationships? If you aren't sure these are a few tell-tell signs of sabotaging behaviors and habits in
communication that you may be doing. NOTICE:
All of these behaviors begin with “YOU”.
That’s because I want to focus on what you do/say not anyone else:
·
you interrupt them while their talking (I’m still
working on this one!)
·
you say… “yes, yes, yes” or “yea, yea, yea” or “uh-huh,
uh-huh, uh-huh” constantly while they talk
·
you nod your head like a bobbing head dog you see in
the back of a car while they are talking
·
you don’t look at the person when they are talking
(instead you watch TV, cell phones,
reading or video games)
·
you dominate or control the conversation
·
“You too”…when they say something you say … “well,
you do/did it too” or “I only did it because you did it” (I used to
be horrible about this!!!)
·
you communicate with them based upon how YOU need
information/details vs. how they need information/details
·
you are a right-fighter – everything is about being
right or wrong
·
your way or no way
·
you have your rebuttal ready before they even finish
talking
·
you make the conversation all about you
·
you’re a bottomless pit and talk non stop
·
you maintain status quo as to not rock the boat
·
you are negative or pessimistic in your conversation
·
your needy when you are with them in conversation
·
you make everything a joke or throw out zingers all
the time
·
you don’t think before you speak and put your foot in
your mouth
·
you are a bottomless pit
·
you avoid communicating with them all together
·
you exaggerate or lie in your conversations
·
you pretend everything is great (see the behavior
listed above)
·
you have a sharp or edgy “Tone” in your conversation
or voice
·
your passive and don’t participate in the
conversation
·
you bring up the past all the time
·
you attack or are aggressive or critical
·
you stuff your voice vs. giving your thoughts,
opinions & ideas
If you want to have
different communication in your relationship(s), you have to create it. YOU start. YOU lead. YOU inspire. So here are
a few tips for YOU to create change in your communication:
Tip 1: Make this all about … You
Start by changing or
stopping the sabotaging behaviors you bring to the relationship that you
identified above (are there some not on the list?). If you don’t know how, get some help. Go to our couples training; an individual
life training; minister; or counselor.
Get an accountability partner.
Tip 2: A tap B
After you look at your
behaviors, talk to your mate about implementing the A tap B process in your
relationship. David and I did this when
we got back together for a long time and still do sometimes when it is
something that is really important. We
used a stuffed ‘elephant’ to let the other know we wanted to talk. We kept it in the office and when one of us
needed to talk, we put it out on the dining table (now we put it out in the
master closet and sit in the closet talking for more intimacy). When the elephant was out, the other knew that
meant that we needed to talk about something that was important to them.
Tip 3: Happy, Sad, Glad or Mad
When we first started out
with the A vs. B, we had a high failure rate because we only pulled it out when
we had something the other did that made us mad or hurt. The key is to do the A/B dyads about happy,
sad, glad or mad things. That means I
had to learn how to talk AND listen about good things or days, funny things that
happened, how I was hurt by someone or something other than David and how I was
upset with him. If you only talk about
the mad or bad --- the other person will avoid you, avoid the elephant and tune
out or control the conversation. It’s important
to remember when you talk about the mad or bad to focus on how it made you FEEL
vs. the anger. If you do that, they will
hear and respond better.
Tip 4: Who
are you?
We also learned the next most
valuable piece of communicating was understanding who one another really
was. In other words what their
personalities were and how they differed from our own. For example, I love details and David hates
them. When I was talking to David we
noticed I used lots of details and information because I was ASSUMING that he
wanted that information. He was
communicating with me with very little details or information ASSUMING that was
what I wanted. For our relationship,
that way of communicating just wasn’t working.
So he came up with more details and I came up with less. When we were “A” sharing about our hurts or
anger we kept it short (no more than a sentence or two) so that we were heard
by the other. When you go into pages or
paragraphs in a dyad, they will get overwhelmed and not hear what you need them
to hear.
Tip 5: What did
you say?
In the beginning and for a
while we also repeated back to one another what the other said to practice and
teach ourselves how to power listen.
Again, a fantastic reason to keep things short and sweet – they won’t be
able to repeat back to you what was so important if you raddled off a paragraph
or page about it.
HOMEWORK:
Practice the tips above with
your mate (or another relationship).
Don’t forget to use the tips below for “Power Listening”
Tips for Power Listening:
1. Ask them if they need you to just listen or fix what
they are about to share with you
2. Be engaging and attentive...POWER listen!
3. Resist distractions (turn cell, TV, computer -
distractions OFF)
4. Look at them in the eyes
5. Keep your mind open
6. Turn off YOUR agenda
7. Don't be thinking about what you are going to say
when they finish
8. Don't justify, defend or excuse (no "but's or
however's")
9. Practice ACTIVE forgiveness and grace
10. Be flexible
SUGGESTION:
Put an “X” beside all the
sabotaging behaviors above that you do.
If you are doing two or more, we teach you how to communicate with your
mate in our Couples Training – in fact we spend a day and half just on
communication! Check out the next
available training dates on our website.
Good news, you can refresh the training as often as you want until you
get it down!
Copyright
© 2010 ADE & Associates, Inc.. All
rights reserved
David
& Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating
Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops,
retreats and speaking for singles and couples on creating hope and joy in
relationships. For information or to register for their next available
program contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.
