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By David & Amy Ensminger
Whether you are in a committed relationship or have been married for 50 years, the sure-fire way to create intimacy is to do something together! They are not just for one mate to do – build intimacy with your mate by handling all the details of the one you are initiating for your relationship.
- Walk along the pond or beach together, holding hands.
- Read a great book together.
- Go on a picnic to an isolated place (field, beach, football field, parking lot).
- Watch your wedding video together.
- Enjoy a sunrise or sunset together.
- Laugh until it hurts, about a story from your past together.
- Listen to romantic music together, while sitting in the car.
- Share with one another your favorite wedding day memory.
- Write short love notes about what you are thankful for about your mate & lay them around the house & car
- Snuggle in front of the fire together.
- Watch your favorite movie together.
- Spend 2 hours together on the couch together w/no TV, phones, internet. Talk or don’t talk, just spend the time together reading to one another, talking or snuggling. No sex, just intimacy.
- Cook a meal together.
- Ask your mate to describe the perfect time with one another to get him/her in the mood & then do your best to create it!
- Help someone in need together.
- Have fun! Have a water fight…equal weapons; arsenal & access to water are a must. No competing, just fun.
- Build a wonderful new memory together.
- Pray over your mate (99% in our trainings say on their surveys that is what they want from their mate).
- Pack a romantic picnic of finger foods and feed to one another.
- Write a love letter or poem and give to your mate,
- Watch a romantic movie together … trust me on this guys!
- Go through your wedding album together,
- Ask your mate “What can I do this week to help you feel I love / respect you?” – And then do it!
- Put on your favorite song and dance together in your living room or out in the parking lot!
- Light candles in the living room and have a picnic. Share with your mate why you love them.
- Buy a used copy of “Love Talk Starters” on Amazon.com or Half Price Books and answer a few of the questions in the book together every night for 30 days
NOTE: Notice there are no kids, friends or family involved in these suggestions? These times to create and grow intimacy are just for the two of you together!
CHALLENGE:
Come up with your own list. You don’t always need money to do something together. Do your best at coming up with things that require little or no money.
HOMEWORK:
Do at least one of the above a week and watch as intimacy grows in your relationship!
SUGGESTION:
Want to do something to create intimacy that will really work & works FAST!!! Attend a Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples Training! For info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
About the Author
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
by Amy Ensminger
Did
you know that when we argue or are angry, stuff our voice or are unforgiving,
it not only changes our personality, but poisons our physical body? Anger, when fostered turns into bitterness,
which turns into unforgiveness. When you
stuff your voice it creates resentment and negativity which also turns into unforgiveness.
I
am a certified facilitator for CoreMap (Personality Profiling). When I work with clients and/or couples, I
can see in their profile when they get stressed, who they can get stressed with
and what they get stressed about. Don’t
you wish you could have that knowledge with your mate? In all of our relationships, not just the one
that is with our mate those around us don’t always know when, where, why or how
OUR stress will come out either. You can
create your own alarm button with just some simple tools that work, and I know
that because!
Let
me give you an example… Yesterday, I was
‘angry’ with our insurance company because of the hassle it was in dealing with
them about a wreck I’d had the day before.
I was doing my best to stuff that anger vs. exploding all over
them. In the middle of all that mess, I got
a phone call from a sales person telling me that what they thought they could
get for me, they couldn’t. Guess who I
had to work REAL hard at not being mad at? You got it…the sales person. I already knew that she probably couldn’t get
me what I needed, but she called me at a very stressful time. I was already stressed about the wreck;
stressed about the repairs; stressed because my insurance company didn’t show
they had insurance for me at all and then when they found us they hung up on me
transferring me to claims. This poor
sales person called after I got hung up on.
In the past, she would have gotten my wrath…big time! Today, after working VERY hard, let me say it
again…VERY hard, on my spewing & stuffing & how it affects not just my
personality AND physical body, but those all around
me. Today, I use lots of tools to do my
best to manage it. Most of the time,
with God’s help, I am able to do just that so that I can be a woman, wife &
mother that people enjoy being around.
Challenge:
So who are you spewing or stuffing with? Be careful not to nurse your anger or resentment
with them. Learn to manage your stress & how it impacts your personality AND health. Learn to let things go and forgive vs.
holding onto them.
Homework:
Create a ‘code word’ with your mate for when you
need to step away from a argument or conversation that you feel you are getting
angry or resentful about. Ours is “7”…(meaning
if we persist, the 7 deadly sins are about to commence on your head J). Guess what you have to do after this
‘time-out’? You got it – you have to
come back to the conversation with your mate.
SUGGESTION:
Do you want the short cut or the long way of
creating change in these areas? For the
short cut, our training's & workshops have tools and exercises on dealing
with forgiveness, communication & stopping sabotaging behaviors that create
spewing & stuffing? For info
or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
About the Author
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
by Amy Ensminger
For some relationships appreciating your mate is an easy thing to do. I remember years ago when David and I were struggling in our relationship the LAST thing I wanted to do was appreciate him for anything – in fact I would have had a hard time finding anything to appreciate about him because I wasn't willing to look at the good things at all.
Let me ask you a question… how important is it for YOU that your mate appreciates you for what you do for your relationship, family, finances, spirituality, friendships, etc.? You can bet that if it’s important to you to be appreciated you can bet it’s important to them as well. If you are feeling unappreciated or taken advantage of by your mate, based upon years of hearing couples complain in our trainings and workshops, so is your mate when you aren’t appreciating them. As a result, sadly we hear every day about the tendencies to match or even one-up mate’s negative or bad behavior when they don’t feel appreciated. “If he does this, I’m not going to do it either”. “If she doesn’t do this, I’m doing this”.
Today is Valentine’s Day and a PERFECT day for you to start appreciating the largest and smallest things that your mate does. Start your own “appreciation” game and appreciate away whether they do the same or not. If you don’t know where to start – think about every single thing that gets done, is paid for, is created, eliminated, said or taken care of that you don’t have to do – large & small… some or all of it.
Challenge:
It’s time to get the magnifying glass out and look for the things you need to appreciate your mate for. NOTE: Resist the temptation to look at what they don’t do for you and get back on track by identifying every little thing that is helpful, kind or giving that they do for you (and the family).
Homework:
For the next two weeks at least one time a day, lovingly touch your mate’s shoulder or hug them and say “I appreciate it so much that you do/did ___ for me/us”.
Suggestion:
To learn how to communicate, identify red flags in your relationship, get unstuck, learn your mates love language, break free from the prison of unforgiveness attend one of our Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples Training. For info, references or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect
About the Author
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
by Amy Ensminger
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| Dan Dean |
Dan Dean, the Pastor of the church we attend (Quick plug for him…his is a singer in the musical group Phillips, Craig & Dean and they just released their new CD “Breathe In”). Pastor Dan wrote a recommendation about us a couple of years ago encouraging others to attend our training's, workshops & classes that we offer - “It has been my sincere pleasure to watch God at work in the marriage of David and Amy Ensminger. What was once headed for destruction has been healed, restored and greatly blessed. That I am now able to witness the healing and restoration they help to facilitate in the marriages of others is an incredible blessing. I recommend that couples in distress, as well as couples who want to avoid making the kinds of common mistakes that damage even good marriages, avail themselves of the opportunity to learn and utilize the many valuable skills and tools David and Amy are ready and willing to impart.”
Notice in his comments he addressed couples that are in distress AND that are in a good marriage? Although we weren't in a good marriage years ago - at all, we are today. Even being in a good relationship, we too still find it critical and valuable to attend other training's that help us ‘learn and utilize valuable skills and tools’. In doing that, we give our marriage that much needed restoration and renewal so that we don’t make the ‘common mistakes that damage even good marriages’.
So this weekend, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander…we are going to attend a couples training! I commented to David this week, I now understand why it’s hard for couples that are not in a crisis in their relationship to commit to attend our training's or workshops. There is nothing that is driving us/them to attend when all is well on the home-front. Frankly, we aren’t looking forward to attending the training this weekend. I’ve considered every excuse about the need for us to NOT attend and have complained about the time away that we could spend doing ___ (fill in the blank). “BUT”…What I do know is that EVERY single time we invest in ourselves and our relationship by attending a training it pays off in renewal, rekindling & refreshing and surprisingly in restoration for an area in our relationship that has gone unnoticed to me. It takes our covenant to one another, friendship, intimacy and respect to another level. So that is our resolve. That is what is driving us to attend a couples training this weekend. And I think we are worth that – don’t you?
Challenge:
So how about you? ARE YOU WORTH that invest? Let me encourage you to attend a training that will restore, renew, rekindle and/or refresh your relationship.
Homework:
Make a list of the top 10 reasons how you and your relationship would benefit from attending a training. Let me encourage you to ignore as we do the reasons why we shouldn't attend, because they sabotage all the benefits for attending.
Suggestion:
1) Attend Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples Training's. You’ll learn how to communicate, identify red flags in your relationship, and forgive. as well as over 50+ tools on creating a loving & respectful relationship.
2) Attend one or all of our Relationship Tools Workshop Series. They are for singles and couples.
About the Author
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
 I came across this article and thought it was a shining example of how to stay married for 50+ years! And, it also ties in perfectly with the Challenge, Homework and Suggestion, I encourage for you in your own relationship…
Maybe the Rolling Stones said it best: ‘You can’t always get what you want.’ It’s true about all aspects of life, including marriage. During their 50+ years together, Georgette & Richard have faced a lot: layoffs, a serious illness & several periods of bleak finances. These challenges put a strain on their marriage, but Richard & Georgette faced it all with a “bend, don’t break” philosophy.
“It’s just a fact,” Richard says. “Life is not going to turn out exactly the way you hope. After all, no one hopes to become seriously ill, get fired or have a marriage on the rocks. But it happens. So, you have to make adjustments, make a Plan B … or even a Plan C.”
Georgette notes, “I wish all young couples would be told that it’s not a question of IF you’ll face some serious challenge in your life and marriage, it’s a question of when. Then they’d be better prepared to adapt to change and to let go of the things that one simply can’t control. Richard and I might not be as flexible physically as we once we, but mentally and emotionally -- we’re dadgum ballet dancers!”
Challenge: Learn to appreciate that relationships are about unselfish flexibility. Realize that it is ‘normal’ for a relationship to struggle or disagree. It’s HOW you struggle or disagree that makes you different.
Homework: Make a list of at least 1 blessing you, your mate & your family receives in a day. Get creative & do as David & I did and create a “monument” of stones with the name of the blessing written on the stone (see the photo). It’s amazing when you focus on what IS going well, that working together on what isn’t going well doesn’t require as much ‘flexibility’!
Suggestion: To learn how to deal with the sabotaging emotions & behaviors in your relationship that are created by life’s struggles, attend our next available couples training on April 14-15, 2012. Hurry only 12 couple seats left! For more info, testimonies or to register go to: www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com or contact 800.229.9252
When couples use intimate communication it can create attraction. When couples use healthy communication whether in a conversation or in a disagreement, it can create love & respect. On the flip side of the pancake, if you are feeling hurt or anger when you and your mate are talking it could be that intimate, healthy, loving or respectful communication is not being said OR it could also be that you are hearing with a history of brokenness.
The thing about communication is it isn’t just about the words that are said or not said, it’s also about tone, facial expressions and actions and reactions when communicating AND listening. Which leads me to the question -- what does it look like and sound like when you are communicating with your mate? Do they feel loved? Respected? Broken? With both of you – good or bad, you learn how to hear and speak from years of communication with others in your life. Generally it’s your parents, grandparents, teachers, siblings, military, employers, etc. that teach you how communication feels, sounds like and looks like. Either way, your mate simply reinforces or opposes what you learned.
In our couples training we teach over 50+ tools and many of those are focused on what & how we communicate with our mates…or don’t. To help you get started, below are a few ways on how to NOT begin conversations with your mate: OBSERVATION: “Always”, “never”, “must”, “ought to” and “have-to” indicate you are running negative tapes (learn more about tapes in our Couples or Tapes Training's) from parents, grandparents, teachers, siblings, military, and employers. Sadly, it’s a sign that you are criticizing yourself/others & need to work on your communication, not others.
HOMEWORK: If you are using any of the words above in “OBSERVATION”, start keeping a daily log when you use any of these words in ALL of your conversations along with the distorted thoughts and beliefs that someone other than your mate taught you, when you use them.
SUGGESTION: Learn more about communicating with your mate, tapes and distorted thinking at our next available “Creating Intimacy & Respect” couples training/workshop on April 14-15 with your mate. Hurry, limited seating. For info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com or call 800.229.9252
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