When couples use intimate communication it can create attraction. When couples use healthy communication whether in a conversation or in a disagreement, it can create love & respect. On the flip side of the pancake, if you are feeling hurt or anger when you and your mate are talking it could be that intimate, healthy, loving or respectful communication is not being said OR it could also be that you are hearing with a history of brokenness.
The thing about communication is it isn’t just about the words that are said or not said, it’s also about tone, facial expressions and actions and reactions when communicating AND listening. Which leads me to the question -- what does it look like and sound like when you are communicating with your mate? Do they feel loved? Respected? Broken? With both of you – good or bad, you learn how to hear and speak from years of communication with others in your life. Generally it’s your parents, grandparents, teachers, siblings, military, employers, etc. that teach you how communication feels, sounds like and looks like. Either way, your mate simply reinforces or opposes what you learned.
In our couples training we teach over 50+ tools and many of those are focused on what & how we communicate with our mates…or don’t. To help you get started, below are a few ways on how to NOT begin conversations with your mate:
- You always...
- What, this again?
- You have to understand...
- You/we have to…
- How long is this going to take?
- Everyone else...
- You/we must…
- You never...
- Why can't you just...
- You're not listening...
- You just don't get it...
- You/we ought to…
OBSERVATION: “Always”, “never”, “must”, “ought to” and “have-to” indicate you are running negative tapes (learn more about tapes in our Couples or Tapes Training's) from parents, grandparents, teachers, siblings, military, and employers. Sadly, it’s a sign that you are criticizing yourself/others & need to work on your communication, not others.
HOMEWORK: If you are using any of the words above in “OBSERVATION”, start keeping a daily log when you use any of these words in ALL of your conversations along with the distorted thoughts and beliefs that someone other than your mate taught you, when you use them.
SUGGESTION: Learn more about communicating with your mate, tapes and distorted thinking at our next available “Creating Intimacy & Respect” couples training/workshop on April 14-15 with your mate. Hurry, limited seating. For info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com or call 800.229.9252
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