|
| ||
 | | |
Wednesday, October 3, 2012Forgiveness for You and OthersWatch this video about the power of forgiveness! To learn more about our Couples Training or our 1-Day Workshop for Singles & Couples on "Finding Forgiveness for You and Others" go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 
About Us
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of
Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and
1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more
information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
Tips for when your relationship is struggling
by Amy Ensminger
 This picture was from our vow renewals in 2005. It was also the year we began our journey of restoring love and intimacy in our relationship after having filed for a divorce. We had spent 6 years destroying respect and intimacy in our marriage and since 2005 have spent those years rebuilding it to a place where we never thought possible. It took hard work & commitment to using the tools we created and some days we both worked hard and used the tools and some days only one of
us did. When it became overwhelming and just too hard creating intimacy & respect in our relationship, we tried to remember these simple steps:
If you don’t know how to create respect & intimacy; are overwhelmed and don’t know where to start; or you need restoration in your relationship, register today for our next Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples Training or one of our 1-Day Relationship Tools Workshops. For information or to register on either go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.
About the Author
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of
Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and
1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more
information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.comThe Agony of Waiting for your Mate to Apologize
by Amy Ensminger
 It can be agonizing; sitting there in a tense house, waiting for an apology that you feel is owed to you about the simplest of things. After a while, you have to ask yourself – ‘exactly how long do I want to sit here, feeling hurt, miserable and getting angrier by the minute’. Waiting for an apology or admission of wrong that we think is OWED to us can be some of the loneliest and most frustrating waiting there is. The ironic thing is, your mate is doing the same thing w
herever they are. Then this hurt your feeling begins to turn to resentment, which turns to anger (whether you say it out loud or stuff it!), which now means that you don’t have to just resolve the original thing of feeling they owe you an apology – now you have to resolve the resentment and anger as well.
Then finally one of you breaks the silence after who knows how long and escapes from the prison you’ve both been in for what seems like eternity, and sadly, in most cases without true reconciliation of all the feelings and hurt you’ve both just endured. It’s the perfect picture of both of you in a right-fight with a mega dose of selfishness and pride sitting flat dab in the middle of it. [OUCH – yes I did just say that!] Although in the beginning it’s VERY hard to break those sabotaging behaviors of right-fighting, selfishness and pride, if you truly love your mate it ultimately isn’t important of who is more wrong or who offended whom first. The most important thing is that BOTH of you want to love and respect one another enough that you want to mend the damage that’s been done and make peace. Don’t wait. Be the more mature person and say you are sorry first. The sooner you get past all that crazy cycle of finger-pointing and pouting, the sooner you’ll get to the making up! CHALLENGE:
To make it easier, use the 5 steps of the Apology Process we teach in our training – 1. Confession. 2. Apologize. 3. Reconciliation. 4. Ask Forgiveness. 5. Recommit to the Relationship. (To learn how to use this simple process as well as resolving conflict attend our final Couples Training for 2012 on October 19-21)
HOMEWORK:
Be the first to apologize and start using the Apology Process above. With me flat-lining twice in June during surgery, David & I are able to imagine very easily life without one another. To help remind you just how short life really is, what can you do to remind you that your mate is too precious for this right-fight or selfishness? Is what you are agonizing over really worth it?
SUGGESTION:
Attend our next Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples Training or 1-Day Workshop for SIngles & Couples on "Resolving Conflict" or "Improving Communicating". For info on either or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com. Limited Seating.
About the Author
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of
Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and
1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more
information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.comLearning How to Fight Fair in Your Relationship As a child, David grew up in what I like to call a “Leave it to Beaver” home. You know what I mean, the kind of home that lives behind the white picket fence where you don’t see or hear conflict to often, if at all. I grew up …well; let’s just say it wasn’t anything like that and conflict was commonplace in my world. Despite our different upbringings, we entered into marriage 27 years ago this October with the same percep
tion: conflict should be avoided at all cost. SO, when we found ourselves annoyed, frustrated or irritated with one another we’d gain our individual control by either “withdrawing” or “fight to win” (right-fights). When that obviously didn’t work we retreated to our neutral corners and ultimately began to live as perfect roommates.
I liken the conflict that was in our relationship to the cockroaches in our first house. Because we had so many Oak trees around the house they would come out of the wood work (no pun intended), especially at night. At first, we thought if we ignored the problem, it would just go away, but then conflict and cockroaches are both hearty critters! When the distance in our relationship reached a boiling point after 19 years of marriage, because we were the best “Great Pretenders” out there, we didn’t seek advice or help. After all we were both strong and intelligent people, and surely we can figure this out! Plus, we didn’t want anyone else to know we didn’t have it all together. If only we hadn’t let our pride get in the way, we would have learned that conflict is common in relationships and would have avoided all the pain of separating and filing for a divorce. Disagreeing we later learned isn’t an unhealthy choice in an intimate relationship. And after getting back together the following year, we began to figure out that when we disagree, and we do disagree, we don’t have to go to our corners – or worse, become perfect roommates. Instead, we use the tools that we created (which we now teach in our Couples Training’s) to come out of the pit we were in. With practice we’ve learned using these tools constructively and respectfully does make perfect! It’s funny, sometimes I see couples walking hand and hand and I’ll think, wow, they really must be in love. And I stop to remember, any two people can gaze into each other’s eyes on any given day. The key is can they argue constructively and respectfully? That’s how you know you have a love that will stand the test of time! And because we use our tools every time…I can say, a love like mine and David’s. Some Healthy Rules for Fighting Fair: • Stay Calm (Use a Code Word before it gets disrespectful or heated. We use “7”) • Address One Conflict At a Time • Avoid Accusations • Don’t Generalize • Don’t Hit Below The Belt • Don’t Stockpile the Pain • Commit To Resolution & Reconciliation • Apologize & Forgive • Enlist the Help of a Counselor, Minister or Mediator (or our Couples Training) Tips for Fighting Fair: 1. Remember not forgiving can cause more harm to yourself and the relationship. Holding a grudge is letting someone else live in your head rent free! 2. Remember to not withdraw or fight to win. 3. Do not use words like “never” or “always” 4. Do not yell, scream or use a threatening tone. 5. Pride comes before a fall. Do not let your pride get in the way of reaching out for help or advice. CHALLENGE:
Learn the tools that work for David and I on Communicating (vs. withdrawing or winning); Resolving Conflict and Reconciliation at our Couples Training or our 1-Day Workshop on "Resolving Conflict". Limited seating available. For info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
About the Author
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of
Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and
1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more
information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.comHow to Make a Relationship Work
by Amy Ensminger
It’s not a matter of “if” challenges or storms will come your way when you are in a relationship; it’s a question of “when”. Challenges like… 
…Job Loss. Illness. Children Rebelling. Money Struggles.
Family Conflicts. Addictions. Sexual Dysfunction.
Blended Family Differences. Death of a Loved One.
Relocation/Moving Stress. In-Laws that become Out-Laws.
Unfaithfulness. Work Schedules or Issues….
Because we are all human, we respond differently to these challenges. I have to confess, David and I have endured almost all of these challenges (and more) over the last 27 years. Honestly, the majority, have hit us like an on-coming bus since we restored our relationship in 2005. And, because we are indeed human, although each of us reacted in different ways with periods of resentment or anger, despair, confusion, hopelessness, neediness or disconnecting, it has made our relationship stronger throughout these challenges. The secret? The old saying…unconditional love comes to mind, but actually for us, it's more of a God-given unconditional love for one another because sometimes it has seemed like it would be humanly impossible to love one another through some of these challenges – that’s where the ‘God-given’ steps in. I have to admit there are times when giving God-given unconditional love is hard. Old memories can crop up in an instant and rob me of grace for David or my purpose in our relationship. So here are a few things that we do: 1.
We have to remind ourselves about giving grace to one another every minute of every day, even when we doesn’t deserve it.
2.
We create daily opportunities to INITIATE respect and God-given unconditional love to one another.
3.
Showing one another compassion even when we are not in the mood really helps us both become better mates.
4.
We have learned the importance of truly understanding one another, our hot buttons, tapes and personalities so that we can communicate respectfully and stand by one another even in the rocky times.
5.
We each have tools memorized and ready to go for each of these challenges, hot buttons, tapes & personality differences that allow us to give grace, love & respect.
Sound easy? Hardly. It becomes easier when we remember the simple commitment we each have made to each other of “until death do us part” and then re-make that commitment in our hearts and minds over and over and over again. We practice what we preach by using the tools that we created and teach in our Couples Training’s & 1-day workshops. And when we mess up (and we do and will continue to)…we apologize, recommit and ask how we can make amends. CHALLENGE:
Create and refine your own Top 5 ways to have God-given unconditional love in your relationship (or use ours!)
HOMEWORK:
If you don’t have a clue where to start or how to create these or need to learn or work on tools that can help your relationship, attend our Couples Training and/or one of our 1-Day Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For information and to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
About the Author The Marriage Translators! (Funny)This is one of my most favorite video's about how most couples speak to one another that haven't learned to communicate in a healthy way. Learn how to speak "Spouse" by attending our next Couples Training or the 1-day workshop on Improving Communication for Singles & Couples. For more information on both, go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
About Us
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of
Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and
1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more
information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.comCan you love your mate’s imperfections?
I came across a wedding photo of David & me from 1985 (image to the right). In those days of dating, engagement and as newlyweds, it was very important that we look our best, smell our best, and act our best with one another. Every stray hair was plucked or trimmed. Every flaw was eliminated or at least disguised and we both were specimens of great health -- flat tummies and all! What we learned as part of being married a lo
ng time is that no one can look perfect (or even smell perfect) all the time.
So what happened in our relationship when the defenses came down and imperfections came out? The make-up came off? The morning breath reeked? The crankiness surfaced? The hair was messed up? The disagreements began? And the stomach couldn’t be sucked in any longer? I can answer that question from something that happened last night. As I watched David sleep last night seeing a very different man than the one I married 27 years ago, I couldn’t get over how much more I loved him than in 1985. How much respect I have for him for providing for me and our family even when we didn’t have two pennies to rub together. How much admiration I have for him being the best caretaker for me over these past 1.5 years. How much I adore him for still pursuing me. How much I appreciate him for being the spiritual leader in our home. How deeply handsome he is to me, aged flaws and all. How much I feel protected & safe with him. How much I love him for accepting me with physical, emotional and spiritual flaws and all. As I lay inches from him, I couldn’t help notice how much he still made me tingle just to be near him. Although neither of us is perfect it is each of our imperfections that the other intentionally puts aside that has created the rich love we have for one another. HOMEWORK:
Ask yourself:
It simply comes down to “can they be imperfect with you and still have your love and respect?” If the answer is no, see below ‘Suggestion’. If the answer is yes, now go ask them to answer the same questions honestly about you! If they answer any question with a no, see below 'Suggestion'. If the answer is yes...congratulations on growing a rich and beautiful love for one another! Keep up the great work.
SUGGESTION:
If you want to create the foundation for loving and respecting a mate that is perfect enough to accept your imperfections, attend our next Couples Training. For info, costs, dates & to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
About the Author How to Listen and Communicate in Relationships
by Amy Ensminger
Communication is one of the biggest issues in relationships. If you are in any relationship right now where the communication is bad, it didn’t start over night because communication issues and styles are created over time and over years. It helps to understand how YOU (let’s not focus on anyone but you right now!) communicate and listen. 1. If you are
intent on giving and hearing only your opinion or thoughts expressed and no one else it destroys the opportunity for someone else to have a voice. This approach creates a relationship of ‘authority’ vs. intimacy based on disrespect, fear and anger from the other person. This is an indication that you are driven from fear of being taken advantage of or maybe feeling like a failure
2. If you are intent on being and hearing you and what you are doing is right it destroys the other person’s love for you. This approach creates a relationship of avoidance and resentment of you. This is an indication that you are driven from a fear of being wrong or maybe feeling stupid. 3. If you are intent on being the listener only and stuffing your own voice (while complaining to yourself how you don’t have a voice) it prevents the relationship from growing. This approach creates resentment and loneliness because they really do want to hear your voice. (Unfortunately, when you finally speak out it generally comes out sideways with an angry tone.) This is an indication that you are driven from a fear of conflict or maybe feeling unworthy. 4. If you are intent on talking and chattering without taking a breath all the time and the topic is always about “me, me and more me” it destroys communication because it doesn’t allow the other person a opportunity to participate in the conversation. This approach creates a ‘tuning-out’ issue (disconnection) in the relationship because they want to avoid the non-stop, 10-hour me-a-thon’s! This is an indication that you are driven from a fear of being left out or maybe feeling unloved. Brace yourself for this newsflash…ALL of these approaches are selfish and needy and driven from YOUR fear. So ask yourself, what am I afraid of? How often is my attention elsewhere when my mate is talking? What am I focusing on? How am I acting or reacting? Here are a few tips: •Notice what you are focusing on when they are talking. •Do you hear that “fear” I talked about above? Notice if there are any feelings or thoughts of feeling disrespected or stupid; feeling anxious or wounded; thoughts of wanting to say “me too” go through your head from the very beginning of the conversation? If so, first realize that is about YOUR fear and remind yourself that ‘you both are on the same side in the tennis match’ (as Mark Rogers would say) so you can hear them. •Ask yourself…how can I be more present for him/her? What do they need to see, hear, feel and touch right now so that they feel heard … and safe with me while their talking. •As they speak…focus on the sound of THEIR voice (not the one in your head). Notice their tone, pace, volume, perception and true meaning. •Look at them in the eye at all times with an open body. Uncross your arms, legs and never roll your eyes, grunt or sigh. •Listen when they speak which means – DO NOT SPEAK when they are talking, which includes speaking in your head as well! •Stop what you are doing – put down the phone or computer, stop reading, watching TV or focusing with the kids. •As a couple, when you listen, let your favorite memory of the two of you talking together flood your mind and heart (if it hasn’t been recent, remember when you first met how you could talk with them for hours) •If you are on the phone when they are talking, close your eyes and picture them •If they are angry, picture them as a 4 year wounded child literally in your mind. How would you talk with, answer, respond to a 4 year wounded child? Respond to them in that way so it creates safety and so that you don’t react in fear yourself. •Be respectful with your response. Acknowledge what they say – “Thank you for telling me that” or “I can see that is important to you, thank you for telling me”. If you don’t agree with them simply say “Thank you for telling me that, I promise to think about it” •As a couple purchase a small stuffed elephant. Put it out somewhere when you need to talk about something happy, glad, sad or mad (not always mad or they’ll avoid the elephant). It’s also great to use indicate who is speaker and the listener. •Keep your conversation intentional. Don’t spend hours talking about something. You wear folks out and most people’s attention span of hearing what you are needing them hear is very short! •Be courteous...When you are wrong say 'I'm sorry' and be grateful by saying 'thank you'. HOMEWORK: No matter where you are in your relationship don’t risk sabotaging it by lack of knowledge or pride. Take the guesswork out of your relationship by learning how to communicate and be heard as well as learning what your mate needs from you so they can communicate and feel heard by attending our Couples Training. For more information or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com. About the Author How to Grow Your Relationship
by Amy Ensminger
 • Be kind to your mate • Be loving to your mate • Don’t be envious of your mate • Don’t be rude with your mate • Don’t be selfish with your mate • Don’t fly off the handle with your mate
• Protect your mate
• Trust your mate • Be hopeful in your relationship • Pursue your mate • Don’t quit or run in your relationship • Honor your commitment of loving your mate…“till death do us part” HOMEWORK: Use this as a checklist and see how many things you can check off as things you do or practice on a regular basis. On those things you are unable to check off, consider trying one of them each week and then observe the changes in your relationship! About the Author The Eight Worst Times to try to Resolve Conflict ■ When either of you are leaving for work or starting a project ■ When either of you are solving issues with your kids ■ In front of others (resolving conflict in front of kids is good from time to time if it is done in a healthy way. It allows them to see how it’s done!) ■ When either of you have just gotten home and stepped into the door ■ When either of you are at low resources (HALTS: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Sick or
Stressed)
■ Just before you go to sleep ■ Before during intimacy or sex ■ On the way to church Of course there are other times when you KNOW that it’s not appropriate because of the situation and that is the time to use compassion and grace and wait until the timing is better. If you don’t have the first clue on how to resolve conflict in a healthy way either because it is a new relationship, or you never learned how in your marriage or maybe your relationship is struggling, in our 2.5 day Couples Training we teach couples simple tools on how to communicate their needs and desires, resolve conflict and set boundaries in our Couples Training. For info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com About the Author How to Minimze Disappointment in your Relationship by Amy Ensminger1. Talk about your needs vs. desires 2. Implement “behavior change request” with “consequences” 3. Learn how to compromise 4. STOP unrealistic expectations (See # 1) 5. Understand the difference between hoping, demanding & asking for something 6. Remember no one can read your mind – if you didn't talk about your needs & desires, you can’t expect it (See # 1) 7. Learn the art of contentment & joy 8. Be accepting of others and situations (See # 7) 9. Be emotionally present with your mate & others 10. Engage in conversations 11. Be approachable & accessible to your mate & others 12. Keep your word: Make sure your mate & others can count on you 13. Check yourself: In this situation, are you being too critical or judgmental? (For #1 through #13 you learn more information & tools by attending our Couples Training)
SUGGESTION & HOMEWORK:
The simple rule of minimizing disappointment is to be responsible and accountable to one person…that’s YOU and your expectations and behaviors that cause disappointments! The above is a great way to minimize disappointment in your relationship if you and your mate follow these basic guidelines! The absolute best thing that I know of that you and your mate can do if you struggle with disappointments, unrealistic expectations OR you want to know how to avoid this pitfall in your relationship is to attend our next Couples Training on October 19-21, 2012. It's the perfect fast-track to success in creating hope and joy in your relationship. Don’t wait; reserve your seats today by registering at www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com! About the Author
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
How to have a love affair that last for a lifetime! David has a job that he wakes up early to go to. Each day he has a plan for his business, calculates his revenues and expenses. He meets with consultants, clients, peers and his employer. He works hard to sell his product to consumers and contractors. He works hard, makes sacrifices and pours himself into his job because he is determined to make it succeed. And does he merely sit back, relax and enjoy the fruit of hi
s labor? No! He works harder, while coming up with new ideas for improving sales, bettering customer relationship and increasing profits for his company. And if he didn't, his employer would fire him or his job would become passionless and a bore for him.
Remember this…“Whoever sows generously will also reap generously.” What can you do right now, this very minute to sow into your mate and relationship? What do you need to prioritize differently so your relationship becomes more rich and healthy? So that you have a love affair among all love affairs!That’s the same for a relationship. If the love affair we have today is to last a lifetime, it requires the same level of devotion and energy from both David and me. Both of us have to give 100%. We each must be available to the other when needed, fully present, ready to listen, to talk, and to act. Both of us must pour our heart and soul in it, making whatever sacrifice necessary to ensure its success. The payoff…our relationship is a rich, healthy, loving and respectful relationship that I have no doubt will last a lifetime. I have to say, we both are sowing into our relationship and reaping countless rewards because of it. Sound good? No, it isn't good...it's great because we both devote our time and energy to one another and our marriage and we put one another above work, children, family, friends, sports and hobbies...well everything (except God). What about you? What are you sowing in your relationship? What are you reaping in your relationship? What do you put as a priority above your mate? CHALLENGE: HOMEWORK: About the Author Why I Succeeded at Work but not at Home
I don't often share on our blog other authors articles. I just loved this one so much because I used to work 90 hours a week and come home with nothing left for my husband or family. Although it is written from a man for men, it DEFINITELY applies to men and women both who struggle with the balance between work and family.
Enjoy, Amy Ensminger  For the first ten years of our marriage, I had a reoccurring feeling. Sometimes the feeling was prompted by an argument between Trish and myself. Sometimes it was simply a comment that she made. Sometimes, if I’m honest, this feeling come from deep inside my heart, because I knew the
re was truth in it.
The feeling: I was a success at work- but not at home. At work, I had no problem hitting objectives. I had no problem leading. I felt capable and qualified. I not only knew what was expected of me, I often exceeded what was expected of me. At home, I felt what I did wasn’t enough. I wasn’t capable. I wasn’t qualified. I wasn’t successful. No matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough. This feeling was Trisha’s fault. She made me feel this way. She caused me to feel guilty. She had unrealistic expectations. That is how I felt. Things shifted for me in November 2005. I was working at P.F. Chang’s as a server. One night as I was closing my section, a table of several high school students had come in for dinner after their school dance. They were loud, rude, made a huge mess and hung out so long that I was one of the last servers to leave. After they left, I was on my hands and knees under their table sweeping up rice and crushed up fortune cookies with my hands into a dust pan. I stood up and looked on the table, and they had left me a $5 tip! I thought, “I am busting my butt cleaning up after these kids who could care less about me…when is the last time I have done this at home?” In that moment it hit me: I am successful at work and not at home because I give to my work what I am not willing to give at home. Most guys I know struggle with this. Here are few things we do at work that we don’t do at home. 1. We set goals. We have no problem setting sales goals; we set performance objectives; we dream about where our career will be a year from now. Yet when it comes to our marriage we often fail to set goals. We have no objectives. We stop dreaming. Setting goals at home is essential to success at home. 2. We give over and above what is required. We work overtime. We stay late. We go in early. We return email from our phone. We take calls to close the deal at dinner. We cut vacations short. We miss our kids’ games. We do this not always to make more money; but often to simply feel a sense of accomplishment. At home we are okay to give the minimum requirement. We do our share. We pull our weight. We check off our list. But no more. Success at home is found in going over and above what is required…not out of obligation but out of love. 3. We are willing to collaborate. When Trish and I were separated, I became aware of how willing I was to listen to any other person’s idea, and yet so quick to shoot her ideas down. I collaborated with others easily, but often demanded my ideas with my wife. Teamwork is as much a part of a successful marriage as it is a successful career. Often the marriage we desire isn't a matter of a major overhaul but a change in perspective. It isn't about changing a ton of big things, it is making minor adjustments. Maybe what makes you successful at work are the same things that will also help you be successful at home. About the Authors
Justin and Trisha Davis are bloggers, authors, and teachers in Nashville, TN where they reside with their three boys. Justin is currently campus and teaching pastor of Cross Point Community Church–recently named the 4th fastest growing church in the country. He is also co-founder of RefineUs Ministries.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
| ||||||
|
| ||||||
|
| ||||||
| | | | | ||
Our Mission
“We are committed to planting a seed of hope and joy in the hearts of relationships.”
David & Amy Ensminger
