by Amy Ensminger
Communication is one of the biggest issues in relationships. If you are in any relationship right now where the communication is bad, it didn’t start over night because communication issues and styles are created over time and over years. It helps to understand how YOU (let’s not focus on anyone but you right now!) communicate and listen.
1. If you are
Communication is one of the biggest issues in relationships. If you are in any relationship right now where the communication is bad, it didn’t start over night because communication issues and styles are created over time and over years. It helps to understand how YOU (let’s not focus on anyone but you right now!) communicate and listen.
1. If you are
intent on giving and hearing only your opinion or thoughts expressed and no one else it destroys the opportunity for someone else to have a voice. This approach creates a relationship of ‘authority’ vs. intimacy based on disrespect, fear and anger from the other person. This is an indication that you are driven from fear of being taken advantage of or maybe feeling like a failure
2. If you are intent on being and hearing you and what you are doing is right it destroys the other person’s love for you. This approach creates a relationship of avoidance and resentment of you. This is an indication that you are driven from a fear of being wrong or maybe feeling stupid.
3. If you are intent on being the listener only and stuffing your own voice (while complaining to yourself how you don’t have a voice) it prevents the relationship from growing. This approach creates resentment and loneliness because they really do want to hear your voice. (Unfortunately, when you finally speak out it generally comes out sideways with an angry tone.) This is an indication that you are driven from a fear of conflict or maybe feeling unworthy.
4. If you are intent on talking and chattering without taking a breath all the time and the topic is always about “me, me and more me” it destroys communication because it doesn’t allow the other person a opportunity to participate in the conversation. This approach creates a ‘tuning-out’ issue (disconnection) in the relationship because they want to avoid the non-stop, 10-hour me-a-thon’s! This is an indication that you are driven from a fear of being left out or maybe feeling unloved.
Brace yourself for this newsflash…ALL of these approaches are selfish and needy and driven from YOUR fear. So ask yourself, what am I afraid of? How often is my attention elsewhere when my mate is talking? What am I focusing on? How am I acting or reacting? Here are a few tips:
•Notice what you are focusing on when they are talking.
•Do you hear that “fear” I talked about above? Notice if there are any feelings or thoughts of feeling disrespected or stupid; feeling anxious or wounded; thoughts of wanting to say “me too” go through your head from the very beginning of the conversation? If so, first realize that is about YOUR fear and remind yourself that ‘you both are on the same side in the tennis match’ (as Mark Rogers would say) so you can hear them.
•Ask yourself…how can I be more present for him/her? What do they need to see, hear, feel and touch right now so that they feel heard … and safe with me while their talking.
•As they speak…focus on the sound of THEIR voice (not the one in your head). Notice their tone, pace, volume, perception and true meaning.
•Look at them in the eye at all times with an open body. Uncross your arms, legs and never roll your eyes, grunt or sigh.
•Listen when they speak which means – DO NOT SPEAK when they are talking, which includes speaking in your head as well!
•Stop what you are doing – put down the phone or computer, stop reading, watching TV or focusing with the kids.
•As a couple, when you listen, let your favorite memory of the two of you talking together flood your mind and heart (if it hasn’t been recent, remember when you first met how you could talk with them for hours)
•If you are on the phone when they are talking, close your eyes and picture them
•If they are angry, picture them as a 4 year wounded child literally in your mind. How would you talk with, answer, respond to a 4 year wounded child? Respond to them in that way so it creates safety and so that you don’t react in fear yourself.
•Be respectful with your response. Acknowledge what they say – “Thank you for telling me that” or “I can see that is important to you, thank you for telling me”. If you don’t agree with them simply say “Thank you for telling me that, I promise to think about it”
•As a couple purchase a small stuffed elephant. Put it out somewhere when you need to talk about something happy, glad, sad or mad (not always mad or they’ll avoid the elephant). It’s also great to use indicate who is speaker and the listener.
•Keep your conversation intentional. Don’t spend hours talking about something. You wear folks out and most people’s attention span of hearing what you are needing them hear is very short!
•Be courteous...When you are wrong say 'I'm sorry' and be grateful by saying 'thank you'.
HOMEWORK:
No matter where you are in your relationship don’t risk sabotaging it by lack of knowledge or pride. Take the guesswork out of your relationship by learning how to communicate and be heard as well as learning what your mate needs from you so they can communicate and feel heard by attending our Couples Training. For more information or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.
2. If you are intent on being and hearing you and what you are doing is right it destroys the other person’s love for you. This approach creates a relationship of avoidance and resentment of you. This is an indication that you are driven from a fear of being wrong or maybe feeling stupid.
3. If you are intent on being the listener only and stuffing your own voice (while complaining to yourself how you don’t have a voice) it prevents the relationship from growing. This approach creates resentment and loneliness because they really do want to hear your voice. (Unfortunately, when you finally speak out it generally comes out sideways with an angry tone.) This is an indication that you are driven from a fear of conflict or maybe feeling unworthy.
4. If you are intent on talking and chattering without taking a breath all the time and the topic is always about “me, me and more me” it destroys communication because it doesn’t allow the other person a opportunity to participate in the conversation. This approach creates a ‘tuning-out’ issue (disconnection) in the relationship because they want to avoid the non-stop, 10-hour me-a-thon’s! This is an indication that you are driven from a fear of being left out or maybe feeling unloved.
Brace yourself for this newsflash…ALL of these approaches are selfish and needy and driven from YOUR fear. So ask yourself, what am I afraid of? How often is my attention elsewhere when my mate is talking? What am I focusing on? How am I acting or reacting? Here are a few tips:
•Notice what you are focusing on when they are talking.
•Do you hear that “fear” I talked about above? Notice if there are any feelings or thoughts of feeling disrespected or stupid; feeling anxious or wounded; thoughts of wanting to say “me too” go through your head from the very beginning of the conversation? If so, first realize that is about YOUR fear and remind yourself that ‘you both are on the same side in the tennis match’ (as Mark Rogers would say) so you can hear them.
•Ask yourself…how can I be more present for him/her? What do they need to see, hear, feel and touch right now so that they feel heard … and safe with me while their talking.
•As they speak…focus on the sound of THEIR voice (not the one in your head). Notice their tone, pace, volume, perception and true meaning.
•Look at them in the eye at all times with an open body. Uncross your arms, legs and never roll your eyes, grunt or sigh.
•Listen when they speak which means – DO NOT SPEAK when they are talking, which includes speaking in your head as well!
•Stop what you are doing – put down the phone or computer, stop reading, watching TV or focusing with the kids.
•As a couple, when you listen, let your favorite memory of the two of you talking together flood your mind and heart (if it hasn’t been recent, remember when you first met how you could talk with them for hours)
•If you are on the phone when they are talking, close your eyes and picture them
•If they are angry, picture them as a 4 year wounded child literally in your mind. How would you talk with, answer, respond to a 4 year wounded child? Respond to them in that way so it creates safety and so that you don’t react in fear yourself.
•Be respectful with your response. Acknowledge what they say – “Thank you for telling me that” or “I can see that is important to you, thank you for telling me”. If you don’t agree with them simply say “Thank you for telling me that, I promise to think about it”
•As a couple purchase a small stuffed elephant. Put it out somewhere when you need to talk about something happy, glad, sad or mad (not always mad or they’ll avoid the elephant). It’s also great to use indicate who is speaker and the listener.
•Keep your conversation intentional. Don’t spend hours talking about something. You wear folks out and most people’s attention span of hearing what you are needing them hear is very short!
•Be courteous...When you are wrong say 'I'm sorry' and be grateful by saying 'thank you'.
HOMEWORK:
No matter where you are in your relationship don’t risk sabotaging it by lack of knowledge or pride. Take the guesswork out of your relationship by learning how to communicate and be heard as well as learning what your mate needs from you so they can communicate and feel heard by attending our Couples Training. For more information or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.
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