CREATING RESPECTFUL RELATIONSHIP BOUNDARIES

by Amy Ensminger

If there were ever a relationship where boundaries could get confusing, it is a marriage or committed relationship, where by design – they "become one flesh". 

Boundaries in general foster independence and marriage or a committed relationship fosters togetherness and agreement. That means riight off the bat, unless you are good at understanding and establishing boundaries it can be a state of confusion and confusion in relationships can lead to conflict.

There are obvious boundaries we talk about where you identify who takes care of the checkbook, mows the lawn, cleans the house, takes out the trash, puts the kids to bed or cooks the meals.   

Then there are the ones that we don't talk about.  They generally are the ones that include someone crossing a line and trying to control the other person’s feelings, attitudes, behaviors, desires, longings, choices and values. If someone tries to control these things about another person, ultimately, the relationship will fail. When these types of offenses happen there are two very clear types of boundary problems that come up:

►Problem #1: The individuals who can't SAY "yes or no"
►Problem #2: The individuals who can't HEAR "yes or no"

And by the way…when either of these problems is going on there can be no intimacy or respect in a relationship.

How you respond to your boundary being offended depends on how you normally responded to hurt or anger growing up and everyone is different on what their disappointment or hurt looks like based upon our childhood and past relationships. If someone is trying to control the other persons feelings, attitudes, behaviors, desires, longings, choices or values its because they are coloring those boundaries or understanding of them with their childhood experiences, offenses or hurts. When someone is doing this they are acting or reacting out of fear which looks controlling to their mate or even acting like a 4-year old throwing a tantrum.

Communication at its best becomes difficult when either of these behaviors is going on.  What you are saying or what you are hearing is glossed over with your childhood experiences.  Because of that, there is no way that your mate could ever understand the boundary you are trying to explain nor can you hear a boundary that is being explained.  See now how confusion and conflict come out of simple boundaries?

For example let’s talk about my relationship with David. When he crosses a boundary or disappoints me by not keeping commitments after we discussed a boundary we both act and react to it from our own childhood experiences. For me that means I most likely said it from a place of anger vs. hurt and responded to it from a position of feeling taken advantage of. Where David most likely heard it from a place of hurt vs. anger and responded to it from a position of wanting peace at all costs.  As you can see we are doomed from the beginning to have conflict with those point of views.

That’s of course assuming that I even communicated clearly about the boundary AND consequence to begin with OR didn't expect him to read my mind about any piece of it. Because of all of the confusion of he said/she said and he heard/she heard, most likely I got angry, shut down and crawled into my cave… all because both of us tilted our communication and listening with our childhood events.

In our case, you could ask WHO the greater offender was. The one who crossed the boundary or the one who didn't make the offense, boundary or consequence clear to begin with.  My vote is they both have responsibilities here but in this case I believe I would be the one most at fault. (Not to mention my childish behavior of getting angry, shutting down and crawling in my cave.)

Don't get me wrong, I do believe there are responsibilities and consequences when COMMUNICATED boundaries with choices are not honored. Throw rocks at me if you will, but I just believe in most cases miscommunicating the offense, boundary and consequence about something that’s important enough for you to establish a boundary can trump not hearing or understanding what you didn't communicate about well to begin with. 

In yours and our situation consequences are different in every offense based upon what you both talked about and understood when the boundary was originally established. That’s why clarity and understanding is so valuable before you end the conversation and agreement. 

It would be foolish of me to assume I've walked in either of your shoes enough to recommend what boundaries or consequences you need to be handing out in your relationship. What I can talk about is clarifying with you that a boundary is a choice and is NOT an ultimatum. Giving choices is vital and respectful with boundaries. One clear way to hear whether you are getting or giving a respectful boundary is to notice whether choices are being given. 

So, what do some of those choices and ultimatums look like?

• Ultimatums are spoken in anger. 
• Boundaries are truly about a respectful choice, spoken in love. 
• Ultimatums come from a desire for control and force. 
• Boundaries come from a place of power and strength.
• Ultimatums shut down options. 
• Boundaries open up choices.
• Ultimatums stop a conversation. 
• Boundaries start one.
• Ultimatums threaten with consequences. 
• Boundaries offer a chance to seek a solution.
• Ultimatums are rigid. 
• Boundaries are firm, yet resilient.
• Ultimatums often end a relationship. 
• Boundaries invite a relationship to change.

I'm sure you will agree it seems to me that the real difference between the two is the intent of the person speaking. Hopefully with this cheat-sheet you will begin to speak and hear differently about something as valuable as your relationship.

CHALLENGE:

When we first got back together after filing for divorce because of deep wounds and offenses, we established respectful boundaries with choices, not ultimatums. Today, because we've learned how to treat one another with love and respect and live with daily grace for one another, we don’t have a need for boundaries in our relationship. When your relationship is ready…I challenge you to try loving and living in your relationship without the need for boundaries. If it doesn't work for your relationship, you can always go back to living with respectful boundaries with choices.

HOMEWORK: 

1. I would recommend you begin the small step of identifying the offended boundaries from YOUR childhood (not your mates) and past relationships and note how they made you 'feel'. Look for a pattern of how you felt and how you reacted in these offenses and see if you are still doing that. 
2. Communicate (be vulnerable) with your mate what came up for you in that exercise to begin to open up the communicate lines about respectful boundaries with choices.

SUGGESTION: 

Ask yourself these questions...

• Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
• What are legitimate boundaries?
• What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
• Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
• Are boundaries selfish?
• What do I do if someone keeps disrespecting my boundary?

If you struggled answering any of these questions -- learn how to communicate, resolve conflict and establish boundaries respectfully by attending one of our four Couples Training in 2013. 

• Our next available Couples Training is January 25-27 or April 26-28, Irving, TX
• Our next available 1-Day Workshop for Singles & Couples is February 23 on “Improving Communication in Your Relationships”, Carrollton, TX
• For more info or to register contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com

Copyright © 2011 ADE & Associates, Inc.  All rights reserved.

David & Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops, retreats and speaking for singles and couples about creating hope and joy in relationships.   For information or to register for their next available program contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com

Who Is Supposed To Apologize This Time?

By Amy Ensminger

It can be agonizing; sitting there in a tense house, room or car, w-a-i-t-i-n-g for an apology that you feel is owed to you. After a while, you have to ask yourself – ‘exactly how long do I want to sit here, feeling hurt, miserable and getting angrier by the minute’... or what we call being in a "Crazy Cycle"

Waiting for an apology or admission of wrong that we think is OWED to us can be lonely, sad and frustrating. It's easy to fall into right-fighting, score-keeping, self-pity or anger if we don't get off that crazy cycle.  The ironic thing is, your mate is doing the same thing wherever they are. Then what was something that simply hurt your feeling begins to turn to resentment, which turns to anger (whether you have an outburst of anger or stuff it), which can destroy a relationship.  At this point, it also means that you don’t have to just resolve the original thing that hurt your feelings, now you have to resolve all the other crazy cycle steps that went on as well.

For most couples whether it's minutes, hours, weeks, years the time ultimately comes when one of you breaks the silence and you both finally escape from the prison you've both (and everyone around, including your kids) been living in.  Sadly, with most couples, the silence was broken without true reconciliation of all the feelings, hurt and anger that you've both just endured.

If you have found yourself in the situation of the "waiting it out" game, it’s the perfect picture of both of you in a right-fight and score-keeping game with a mega dose of selfishness and pride sitting flat dab in the middle of it. [OUCH – yes I did just say that!]

Although in the beginning it’s VERY hard to break those sabotaging behaviors of right-fighting, score-keeping, selfishness and pride, if you truly love your mate it ultimately isn't important of who is more wrong or who offended whom first. The most important thing is that BOTH of you want to love and respect one another enough that you want to mend the damage that’s been done and make peace.

When David and I get our feelings hurt by the other about something (and we do), we've learned the value of not waiting it out.  We've learned that there is always something we individually did or said wrong like pouting, anger outburst, withdrawing, right-fighting, score-keeping, resentment, controlling, judging, being critical...and so on.  Please don’t wait. Start today by being the more mature person (whether they are or not) and sincerely apologize.  The sooner you get past the crazy cycle game of finger-pointing and pouting, the sooner you’ll get to the making up!

CHALLENGE:

We want to encourage YOU to be the first to apologize and start using the Apology Process below. After flat-lining twice in 2012, David & I are able to imagine very easily life without one another.  Ask yourself these questions:

■What can you do to help remind yourself to apologize when you are wrong? 
■What can you do to remind you that your mate is too precious for right-fight’s or selfishness?
■Is what you are holding out for until your mate apologizes first, really worth it?

SUGGESTION:

►Couples:  To learn how to communicate, resolve conflict respectfully, understand & establish boundaries, identify and stop relationship sabotaging behaviors that are destroying your relationship and to break free from unforgiveness, anger & resentment, attend our January 25-27 Couples Training.

►Singles & Couples:  If you are single, couple or can’t get your mate to attend the Couples Training, on February 23 we will be offering a 1-Day Workshop on “Improving Communication in your Relationships” 

For info or to register for either the Training or Workshop go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com. Register today, Limited Seating.

HOMEWORK:

To make your apologies easier, use the 5 steps of the Apology Process we teach in our training:

1. Confession

2. Apologize

3. Reconciliation 

4. Ask Forgiveness

5. Recommit to the Relationship

(To learn how to communicate, resolve conflict respectfully and use the Apology Process with ease attend our Couples Training)

Copyright © 2010 ADE & Associates.  All rights reserved

David & Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops, retreats and speaking for singles and couples about creating hope and joy in relationships.   For information or to register for their next available program contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.

What is the "Magic Button" to having a great relationship?

By Amy Ensminger

Every adult is reminded this time of year about the new resolutions that will suddenly change their life because they pushed a “Magic Button” on January 1st. Somehow we forget about the need for a plan, effort, discipline, compromise – just to name a few - that will come with that resolution. Sadly, very few see the resolutions through to the end because we approach the resolution with such a haphazard “Magic Button” way vs. creating a plan of how to make change. 

When David and I pushed the “Magic Button” to get back together after filing for divorce, we were quite naive about what we thought the journey of restoration would look like. We initially believed that making the decision and saying it so would make it so. The grave mistake we made was that we didn't have a plan of learning different to be different. 

Looking back that was a lot of pressure that we put on ourselves. With our relationship resolution in 2004, we fantasized that suddenly we were going to be different, get back together and be the couple we’d always longed for. Obviously we did get back together, we did become different people and we are the couple that we’d always longed for. The only word missing in my description is “suddenly”…nothing we have journeyed through in our restoration has been sudden … or easy for that matter. 

We had to make the three commitments and two decisions:

1. First Commitment: We had to commit to being patient because we’d just spent the last 19 years growing apart and tearing one another down. We had to be patient with one another AND with the process of restoring our broken relationship. 

2. Second Commitment: We had to commit to waking up every morning and asking ourselves “what is it that I can do today that would please him/her”. We call that Love is a Verb in our Couples Training and we teach the couples how to learn and do the little things that makes the other happy as well as the value of doing them. [What we’ve noticed because we teach 50+ tools is that some couples walk away from our training believing this is the ONE tool that will change their relationship. For those couples who do this every day – their ‘suddenly’ comes a lot faster to the restoration of their relationship. They tell us they have a love for their mate more than they ever have.]

3. Third Commitment: We had to commit to waking up every morning and asking ourselves “what is it that I can change about ME so I can please him/her”. Learning new ways to change was the easy part it was the applying that was the hard part, especially when we felt the other was wrong and we were right. Hence the first commitment…being patient with one another and ourselves. 

4. Decision One: Don’t quit. Even when it gets hard. Even when it felt like familiar ugly ground again living as roommates and hurting one another. Divorce, quitting or running of any kind was not allowed to be a part of our vocabulary or thoughts. Period. We’ve learned that when we didn’t give ourselves an out, we didn’t look for one when it got intense!

5. Decision Two: Get help individually and as a couple. We had proven that we couldn’t make a marriage work with one another and in a previous marriage. Our plan was to find something or someone that would help us. We opted on the individual AND couples training and still refresh each year.

CHALLENGE: 

Review any “Magic Buttons” you have with your resolutions and decisions and make sure you have create a plan to succeed to go with them.

HOMEWORK: 

With your mate, craft the commitments and decisions that you need in your relationship. To learn how to have an amazing relationship with great communication, intimacy & respect attend our next available Couples Training on January 25-27, 2013 in Irving, TX. It’s for committed, engaged, married, separated & divorced couples who are both willing to participate. 

• For info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com or 800.229.9252.

SUGGESTION:.

For couples living in the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex, join David & Amy Ensminger for a FREE monthly “Marriage by Design Couples Class” held at Heartland Church beginning January 10, 2013 from 7pm-9pm. 

• For information go to: Marriage by Design Couples Class

• To register for class go to: Couples Class or Childcare Registration

Copyright © 2006 ADE & Associates.  All rights reserved

David & Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops, retreats and speaking for singles and couples about creating hope and joy in relationships.   For information or to register for their next available program contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.

Are You a Ticking Time Bomb?

by Amy Ensminger

I know first hand that anger is deceitful and cunning – it is in fact a sabotaging behavior that can destroy whatever is in it's path.  

I've learned there are a few guarantees about anger:  

1. It tries to convince you that your angry outburst is caused by someone else’s behavior (which of course it is not) 
2. Anger will represent an escalation of control and abuse in any relationship.  

Just as we believe that the outburst of anger is inappropriate for our children or grandchildren on the playground, it is certainly inappropriate in our lives as well.  If you were not taught how to avoid getting angry for the sake of your relationships (with your mate, children, boss, peer, friend and even yourself), you need to learn to avoid it now to protect those very relationships from destruction.  

If you have said at least once before in response to getting help for your anger..."I don't know how to stop loosing control and getting angry",  I have great news.  I have been in your shoes with relationships falling apart all around me and know first hand that when you are ready to learn how to stop it, you can.  Below are a few steps I recommend, BUT if anger is truly a destructive behavior of yours, join me in being courageous enough to do something about it!

Step 1.  Acknowledge the fact that you, and only you determine if you will have an angry outbursts.  

(No one can “make” you angry)

Step 2.  Identify instances of your angry outbursts and their effects 

(Including your own actions and reactions, feelings and emotions)

Step 3.  Understand why your angry outbursts take place.

(If it is resentment or unforgiveness we have a powerful process in the Couples Training to help you break free from the prison of unforgiveness and resentment)

Step 4.  Try to avoid the conditions that make angry outbursts difficult to control.

(If you know certain situations or environments create opportunities for your anger to spill-out, don't do it)

Step 5.  Train yourself to control your temper when you cannot avoid frustrating situations.

(We teach you about situations that set you up along with “code words” and tips to help you train yourself to avoid these situations in the Couples Training)

Step 6.  Measure your progress for yours and others safety.

(If you are not making progress.  Attend one of our workshops or training's or get one-on-one help through individual life management training's, counseling or anger management classes.  We have several we can recommend)

Think of yours and others emotional and physical safety.  Because it is a behavior you can change/stop, you should have ZERO tolerance for your angry outbursts, and BTW, so should your mate!

CHALLENGE: 

If you are on the receiving end of any abusive angry outbursts and are in danger, seek shelter.  If you or your loved one creates change and makes progress in overcoming anger applaud the change at every turn!

HOMEWORK: 

Make a list of your arsenal of weapons (verbal, physical & threats of anger). 

• What do you tend to do/say when you have an angry outburst?  
• How do you act or react?
• Include the day, date, time, and circumstances, along with a description of each angry outburst.

SUGGESTION: 

Learn how to create tools to stop sabotaging behaviors, including anger, resentment and unforgiveness at one of our four 2013’s Couples Training:  Hurry & register before January 25-27’s class is full!  For info or to register go to:  Couples Training Info & Costs or call 800.229.9252

Stuffing it or Spewing It Suggestions:

If you are single or in a relationship, we provide a 1-day workshop just for you to learn how to stop stuffing it or spewing it.  For info or to register go to:  1-Day Workshop Info & Pricing

Copyright © 2010 ADE & Associates.  All rights reserved

David & Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops, retreats and speaking for singles and couples about creating hope and joy in relationships.   For information or to register for their next available program contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.