By Amy Ensminger
It can be agonizing; sitting there in a tense house, room or car,
w-a-i-t-i-n-g for an apology that you feel is owed to you. After a while, you have to
ask yourself – ‘exactly how long do I want to sit here, feeling hurt, miserable
and getting angrier by the minute’... or what we call being in a "Crazy
Cycle"
Waiting for an apology or admission of wrong that we think is OWED to us
can be lonely, sad and frustrating. It's easy to fall into right-fighting, score-keeping,
self-pity or anger if we don't get off that crazy cycle. The ironic thing is, your mate is doing the
same thing wherever they are. Then what was something that simply hurt your
feeling begins to turn to resentment, which turns to anger (whether you have an
outburst of anger or stuff it), which can destroy a relationship. At this point, it also means that you don’t have to just
resolve the original thing that hurt your feelings, now you have to resolve
all the other crazy cycle steps that went on as well.
For most couples whether it's minutes, hours, weeks, years the time
ultimately comes when one of you breaks the silence and you both finally escape
from the prison you've both (and everyone around, including your kids) been living
in. Sadly, with most couples, the silence
was broken without true reconciliation of all the feelings, hurt and anger that
you've both just endured.
If you have found yourself in the situation of the "waiting it out" game, it’s the perfect picture of both of you in a right-fight and
score-keeping game with a mega dose of selfishness and pride sitting flat dab
in the middle of it. [OUCH – yes I did just say that!]
Although in the beginning it’s VERY hard to break those sabotaging
behaviors of right-fighting, score-keeping, selfishness and pride, if you truly
love your mate it ultimately isn't important of who is more wrong or who
offended whom first. The most important thing is that BOTH of you want to love
and respect one another enough that you want to mend the damage that’s been
done and make peace.
When David and I get our feelings hurt by the other about something (and
we do), we've learned the value of not waiting it out. We've learned that there is always something
we individually did or said wrong like pouting, anger outburst, withdrawing,
right-fighting, score-keeping, resentment, controlling, judging, being
critical...and so on. Please don’t wait.
Start today by being the more mature person (whether they are or not) and
sincerely apologize. The sooner
you get past the crazy cycle game of finger-pointing and pouting, the sooner
you’ll get to the making up!
CHALLENGE:
We want to encourage YOU to be the first to apologize and start using
the Apology Process below. After flat-lining twice in 2012, David & I are
able to imagine very easily life without one another. Ask yourself these questions:
■What can you do to
help remind yourself to apologize when you are wrong?
■What can you do to remind you that your mate is too precious for right-fight’s or selfishness?
■Is what you are holding out for until your mate apologizes first, really worth it?
■What can you do to remind you that your mate is too precious for right-fight’s or selfishness?
■Is what you are holding out for until your mate apologizes first, really worth it?
SUGGESTION:
►Couples: To learn how to
communicate, resolve conflict respectfully, understand & establish
boundaries, identify and stop relationship sabotaging behaviors that are
destroying your relationship and to break free from unforgiveness, anger &
resentment, attend our January 25-27 Couples Training.
►Singles & Couples: If you
are single, couple or can’t get your mate to attend the Couples Training, on
February 23 we will be offering a 1-Day Workshop on “Improving Communication in
your Relationships”
For info or to register for either the Training or Workshop go to
www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com. Register today,
Limited Seating.
HOMEWORK:
To make your apologies easier, use the 5 steps of the Apology Process we
teach in our training:
1. Confession
2. Apologize
3. Reconciliation
4. Ask Forgiveness
5. Recommit to the Relationship
(To learn how to communicate, resolve conflict respectfully and use the Apology Process with ease attend our Couples Training)
Copyright © 2010 ADE & Associates.
All rights reserved
David & Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for
Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops,
retreats and speaking for singles and couples about creating hope and joy in
relationships. For information or to
register for their next available program contact 800.229.9252 or go to
www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.
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