Who Is Supposed To Apologize This Time?

By Amy Ensminger

It can be agonizing; sitting there in a tense house, room or car, w-a-i-t-i-n-g for an apology that you feel is owed to you. After a while, you have to ask yourself – ‘exactly how long do I want to sit here, feeling hurt, miserable and getting angrier by the minute’... or what we call being in a "Crazy Cycle"

Waiting for an apology or admission of wrong that we think is OWED to us can be lonely, sad and frustrating. It's easy to fall into right-fighting, score-keeping, self-pity or anger if we don't get off that crazy cycle.  The ironic thing is, your mate is doing the same thing wherever they are. Then what was something that simply hurt your feeling begins to turn to resentment, which turns to anger (whether you have an outburst of anger or stuff it), which can destroy a relationship.  At this point, it also means that you don’t have to just resolve the original thing that hurt your feelings, now you have to resolve all the other crazy cycle steps that went on as well.

For most couples whether it's minutes, hours, weeks, years the time ultimately comes when one of you breaks the silence and you both finally escape from the prison you've both (and everyone around, including your kids) been living in.  Sadly, with most couples, the silence was broken without true reconciliation of all the feelings, hurt and anger that you've both just endured.

If you have found yourself in the situation of the "waiting it out" game, it’s the perfect picture of both of you in a right-fight and score-keeping game with a mega dose of selfishness and pride sitting flat dab in the middle of it. [OUCH – yes I did just say that!]

Although in the beginning it’s VERY hard to break those sabotaging behaviors of right-fighting, score-keeping, selfishness and pride, if you truly love your mate it ultimately isn't important of who is more wrong or who offended whom first. The most important thing is that BOTH of you want to love and respect one another enough that you want to mend the damage that’s been done and make peace.

When David and I get our feelings hurt by the other about something (and we do), we've learned the value of not waiting it out.  We've learned that there is always something we individually did or said wrong like pouting, anger outburst, withdrawing, right-fighting, score-keeping, resentment, controlling, judging, being critical...and so on.  Please don’t wait. Start today by being the more mature person (whether they are or not) and sincerely apologize.  The sooner you get past the crazy cycle game of finger-pointing and pouting, the sooner you’ll get to the making up!

CHALLENGE:

We want to encourage YOU to be the first to apologize and start using the Apology Process below. After flat-lining twice in 2012, David & I are able to imagine very easily life without one another.  Ask yourself these questions:

■What can you do to help remind yourself to apologize when you are wrong? 
■What can you do to remind you that your mate is too precious for right-fight’s or selfishness?
■Is what you are holding out for until your mate apologizes first, really worth it?

SUGGESTION:

►Couples:  To learn how to communicate, resolve conflict respectfully, understand & establish boundaries, identify and stop relationship sabotaging behaviors that are destroying your relationship and to break free from unforgiveness, anger & resentment, attend our January 25-27 Couples Training.

►Singles & Couples:  If you are single, couple or can’t get your mate to attend the Couples Training, on February 23 we will be offering a 1-Day Workshop on “Improving Communication in your Relationships” 

For info or to register for either the Training or Workshop go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com. Register today, Limited Seating.

HOMEWORK:

To make your apologies easier, use the 5 steps of the Apology Process we teach in our training:

1. Confession

2. Apologize

3. Reconciliation 

4. Ask Forgiveness

5. Recommit to the Relationship

(To learn how to communicate, resolve conflict respectfully and use the Apology Process with ease attend our Couples Training)

Copyright © 2010 ADE & Associates.  All rights reserved

David & Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops, retreats and speaking for singles and couples about creating hope and joy in relationships.   For information or to register for their next available program contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.