Boundaries in a Relationship

by Amy Ensminger

If there were ever a relationship where boundaries could get confused, it is marriage, where by design - husband and wife "become one flesh". And boundaries foster separateness and marriage has as one of its goals the giving up of separateness. What a potential state of confusion!

Boundaries like who does the checkbook, mows the lawn, cleans the house, takes out the trash are the obvious things you think of about boundaries in a relationship. The ones that we don't talk about generally are the ones that include when someone crosses a line and tries to control the others feelings, attitudes, behaviors, desires, longings, choices and values. If someone tries to control these things about another person, ultimately, the relationship will fail. That's when you can see very clearly the two types of boundary problems.

►Problem #1: Those individuals who "can't say yes or no"

►Problem #2: Those individuals who "can't hear yes or no".

NOTE: If either problem #1 or #2 is going on there can be no intimacy or respect in a relationship.

When your boundaries are crossed you will feel and respond how you normally respond to hurt or anger. Everyone is different on what their disappointment or hurt looks like based upon our childhood and relationships.

For me - it's based upon both, which in our relationship there is no way David could ever know all those boundaries that were offended and then the problem becomes that I don't communicate with him about those offenses and how they made me feel so when he crosses one I respond as if he should have read my mind! So what happens then is when David crosses a boundary or disappoints me by not keeping a commitment (that I didn't even communicate about to begin with) I get angry or shut down and crawl into my cave.

In this case, you could ask WHO was the greater offender...the one who crossed the boundary or the one who reacted in a childish behavior! My vote in this case is the second one.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe there are consequences when COMMUNICATED boundaries with choices are not honored and in each situation and relationship that is different. It would be foolish of me to assume I walked in either of your shoes and recommend to you in a blog what consequences need to be for what in your relationship.

One way to hear a boundary is to notice whether you are being given a choice. A boundary is a choice and is NOT an ultimatum. So what do some of those look like:

• Ultimatums are spoken in anger. Boundaries are truly about a respectful choice, spoken in love.
• Ultimatums come from a desire for control and force. Boundaries come from a place of power and strength.
• Ultimatums shut down options. Boundaries open up choices.
• Ultimatums stop a conversation. Boundaries start one.
• Ultimatums threaten with consequences. Boundaries offer a chance to seek a solution.
• Ultimatums are rigid. Boundaries are firm, yet resilient.
• Ultimatums often end a relationship. Boundaries invite a relationship to change.

I'm sure you will agree, it seems to me that the real difference between the two is the intent of the person speaking!

HOMEWORK:

The first recommendation I would give you is to begin the small steps of identifying the offended boundaries from YOUR childhood and past relationships and note how they made you 'feel'. Look for a pattern of how you felt and how you reacted in these offenses and see if you are still doing that. Secondly, communicate (be vulnerable) with your mate what came up for you in that exercise to begin to open up the communicate lines about respectful boundaries with choices.

SUGGESTION:

Ask yourself these questions...

• Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
• What are legitimate boundaries?
• What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
• Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
• Are boundaries selfish?
• What do I do if someone keeps disrespecting my boundary?

To learn how to communicate and establish boundaries attend our Couples Training. For more info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.

Who is the couples training for:

Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples Training is for men and women couples who are in a committed, engaged, married, separated & divorced relationship and want to create a foundation of love, respect, hope & joy in their relationship. It is also for those who have already attended the training and want to "Refresh" the training to deepen your understanding of the tools.

"My best friend and I are now husband and wife. We now have the tools for better communication and bringing down the walls between us." ~ married

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

When to Apologize

by Amy Ensminger

You'd think that someone wouldn't have to tell you when to apologize. In many relationships that isn't the case because it depends on the healthiness of the relationship, the emotional development (maturity) of the people involved and the issue itself that caused the need for the apology.

For instance, today in David and my relationship, 9 out of 10 times, you wouldn't have to remind either of us to apologize to the other for something. Our relationship is very healthy; we are both mature and emotionally developed in our relationship; and there aren't too many issues today that we don't see and catch before it gets to the point an apology would even be necessary because we give one another DAILY grace.

That wasn't the case at ALL in 2004. Our relationship was very unhealthy, we were both undeveloped and immature in our relationship (as individuals as well) and we used issues and events to get back at one another in our "right-fight" battles (I'm right...no, I'm right). We were definitely a candidate for someone giving us tips, suggestions, ideas and tools on when to apologize and how to apologize. We just didn't know where to start or who to turn to and didn't make the effort to get help until it was too late. If we'd know just a fraction of what we teach in our couples trainings we wouldn't have spent so much money on divorce attorneys!

Here are just a few to remember...

* When you are impatient or unkind

* When you are cruel or hard-hearted

* When you are envious or prideful

* When you are rude or selfish

* When you get angry or pout

* When damage or break something of their

* When you ignore them

* When you blame or shame

* When you are unforgiving or hold a grudge

* When your attention is on TV, cell, computer, etc vs. them

* When you are confusing

* When you demand your own way

* When you flip out an "sorry" and don't sincerely mean you apologize

* When you are irritable or touchy

* When you keep score of when they do it right or wrong

* When you don't support or protect them in private or in public

* When you don't stand up for them in private or public

* When you are not genuine or you offend them

* When you don't trust or have faith in them

* When you lie or stretch the truth (same thing by the way)

* When you quit on them or the relationship

* When you are forgetful (small and large things)

* When you are unloving or disrespectful

SUGGESTION:

Take advantage of every opportunity you can sincerely apologize because it shows them you love and respect them. If you are someone who historically does not apologize in the relationship like I was or you have become a doormat always taking the blame with your "I'm sorry's", this is a personal challenge for you to pick at least three to start with. Whether you say it too much or not at all, you will experience a tremendous change if you begin sincerely apologizing. It tells the person you respect and love them even if you don't agree with them. Oh and btw, an apology without change or correction in the behavior grows into mistrust and falls on deaf ears after until action is taken. To avoid that, learn a new positive habit/action that creates change around what you are apologizing for. AND, if you are the one that still holds a grudge after the apology - you are doing just as much damage to the relationship (and yourself) by keeping a record of wrongs.

NOTE: Did you notice that most of the things on this list apply to apologizing to most anyone in your life?

HOMEWORK:

If you don't know where to start I do. In a safe place, we will teach you how to sincerely apologize to your mate. We will teach you how to communicate and listen to your mate. We will teach you how to break free of the prison of unforgiveness. We will teach you how to create new habits for loving and respecting your mate. We will teach men how to love their mate and women how to respect their mate. We will teach you how to create intimacy in your relationship and so much more. Read more at www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

Key Steps to Listening to Your Mate/Spouse

by Amy Ensminger

Power listening is a learned skill. That means you have to practice, practice, practice. That also means if you make a mistake in ‘listening’, you apologize to restore trust for the next time! Here are a few key items when your mate needs a voice and YOU to power listen (some items apply to all relationships as well).

1. IF you can’t talk at all when they want to, schedule another time that day to talk.

2. IF your time is limited when they want to talk, tell them how long you have to talk and schedule another time that day to talk longer.

3. IF you do either of 1 or 2 above tell them that what they have to say is important to you before you tell them how much time you have or reschedule

4. Be still and stop what you are doing and focus solely on them

5. If you are a ‘fixer’…ask them if what they want to talk about is something you need to listen to or ‘fix’.

6. Honor them by looking into their eyes when they are talking to you.

7. Connect with your mate – if they like to be touch, touch them on the arm or hold their hand. (If they don’t like to be touched as them if you can touch them)

8. Don’t be disrespectful. When they are talking, be quiet and do not interrupt.

9. Be the bigger person…If they are sharing something an offense you did - whether you did it or not…do not justify, defend or excuse your action or reaction. From their perspective you did it the behavior so acknowledge you hurt them, and then apologize.

10. If you do not understand what your mate is saying, say “I’m curious, can you tell me more about that”

11. Keep your arms and legs uncrossed so your body language says I want to hear you

12. Having a voice is important…repeat key points of what they said back to them so they know that you heard them

13. Nod your head every once in a while (not too much though!) so they feel you hear them

14. If what they had to say was hard for them, tell them thank you for trusting you and sharing them with you.

15. Be empathic. Try and put yourself in their place. It’s not a time to fix, criticize or argue.

16. Think about how you like to be treated when you need someone to hear you. Show them the same respect when you are listening to them.

HOMEWORK: 

 Ask your mate “What overwhelms you”? POWER LISTEN. Then ask, “What can I do to help”? POWER LISTEN.

SUGGESTION: 

If you don’t know how to listen or communicate with your mate, you want to learn more about how to communicate with your mate OR you and your mate always end up fighting when you talk, have I got an easy solution for you! In our couples training we teach mates how to communicate and listen to one another … in THEIR ‘love’ language. In their love language is key because you hear and speak differently than one another. Because you are two different people and sexes, you feel loved or respected by different words, actions and reactions. Be sure and sign up for our next available training. Read more at www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com or contact 800.229.9252.

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

Pre-marital & Newlywed Couples

In a fast paced world of short cuts and instant gratification, Pre-Marital or Newlywed Training is a critical step — yet it's the step that most couples skip. Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples Training will allow you and your mate the opportunity to create a solid advantage on how to divorce-proof your marriage.

topics we'll cover

• Discover one another’s needs to feel love/respected

• Communicating with one another

• Red flags that destroy love & respect

• Working through conflict

• Marriage tools and skills

• Learn how to give and receive forgiveness

“I know now WHAT will sabotage my relationship and HOW to stop it. I can use the valuable tools I learned to connect with my fiancee and use my voice to communicate in his love language and mine.” ~ engaged

“I learned that we are not the only couple going through trails. Knowing my self-sabotaging behaviors and how they are affecting my marriage along with the tools to change them is freeing!!” ~ married 2 years

Read more at www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com or contact 800.229.9252

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

What does Love & Respect Look Like in a Relationship?

by Amy Ensminger

1. FORGIVE: Forgiving one another for the small & large offenses helps each of you feel accepted by & connected to the other

2. SERVE: Commit to discovering & meeting each other’s deepest needs so that you feel understood & honored by one another

3. PERSEVERE: Support, encourage & comfort each other through the triumphs & trials of life

4. PROTECT: Guarding your mate’s heart, feelings and life builds safety & security for your relationship

5. HONOR: Continually look for ways to enjoy each other emotionally, physically & spiritually so that you feel cherished & captivated by each other.

6. REKINDLE: Never be satisfied with status quo by keeping your relationship fresh & growing to strengthen your commitment to each other & keeping your love vibrant.

HOMEWORK:

Pick which one you are doing well? Now which one are YOU (not your mate) falling short on in your relationship? Look for ways to learn; study; & continually look for ways to apply that one in your relationship. Look for gender specific people that can mentor you or hold you accountable with it. IF you don’t know how to do this or want specific ways on how to do it, when to do, etc. (including ways to recover with your mate when you mess up), register for our next Couples Training.

SUGGESTION:

If you are stuck or struggling with any of these run….don’t walk, to our next couples training before it destroys your joy and your relationship. For information or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com