When to Apologize

by Amy Ensminger

You'd think that someone wouldn't have to tell you when to apologize. In many relationships that isn't the case because it depends on the healthiness of the relationship, the emotional development (maturity) of the people involved and the issue itself that caused the need for the apology.

For instance, today in David and my relationship, 9 out of 10 times, you wouldn't have to remind either of us to apologize to the other for something. Our relationship is very healthy; we are both mature and emotionally developed in our relationship; and there aren't too many issues today that we don't see and catch before it gets to the point an apology would even be necessary because we give one another DAILY grace.

That wasn't the case at ALL in 2004. Our relationship was very unhealthy, we were both undeveloped and immature in our relationship (as individuals as well) and we used issues and events to get back at one another in our "right-fight" battles (I'm right...no, I'm right). We were definitely a candidate for someone giving us tips, suggestions, ideas and tools on when to apologize and how to apologize. We just didn't know where to start or who to turn to and didn't make the effort to get help until it was too late. If we'd know just a fraction of what we teach in our couples trainings we wouldn't have spent so much money on divorce attorneys!

Here are just a few to remember...

* When you are impatient or unkind

* When you are cruel or hard-hearted

* When you are envious or prideful

* When you are rude or selfish

* When you get angry or pout

* When damage or break something of their

* When you ignore them

* When you blame or shame

* When you are unforgiving or hold a grudge

* When your attention is on TV, cell, computer, etc vs. them

* When you are confusing

* When you demand your own way

* When you flip out an "sorry" and don't sincerely mean you apologize

* When you are irritable or touchy

* When you keep score of when they do it right or wrong

* When you don't support or protect them in private or in public

* When you don't stand up for them in private or public

* When you are not genuine or you offend them

* When you don't trust or have faith in them

* When you lie or stretch the truth (same thing by the way)

* When you quit on them or the relationship

* When you are forgetful (small and large things)

* When you are unloving or disrespectful

SUGGESTION:

Take advantage of every opportunity you can sincerely apologize because it shows them you love and respect them. If you are someone who historically does not apologize in the relationship like I was or you have become a doormat always taking the blame with your "I'm sorry's", this is a personal challenge for you to pick at least three to start with. Whether you say it too much or not at all, you will experience a tremendous change if you begin sincerely apologizing. It tells the person you respect and love them even if you don't agree with them. Oh and btw, an apology without change or correction in the behavior grows into mistrust and falls on deaf ears after until action is taken. To avoid that, learn a new positive habit/action that creates change around what you are apologizing for. AND, if you are the one that still holds a grudge after the apology - you are doing just as much damage to the relationship (and yourself) by keeping a record of wrongs.

NOTE: Did you notice that most of the things on this list apply to apologizing to most anyone in your life?

HOMEWORK:

If you don't know where to start I do. In a safe place, we will teach you how to sincerely apologize to your mate. We will teach you how to communicate and listen to your mate. We will teach you how to break free of the prison of unforgiveness. We will teach you how to create new habits for loving and respecting your mate. We will teach men how to love their mate and women how to respect their mate. We will teach you how to create intimacy in your relationship and so much more. Read more at www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

How to Create Intimacy with a Man

by Amy Ensminger

Ladies, understanding your mate’s needs for emotional intimacy isn't just about sex. Don’t get me wrong, most men want sex. But, just as a woman’s emotional intimacy evolves around what her mates does and doesn't do & says and doesn't say, a man’s emotional intimacy is created in the same way. Good news we've made it simple for you with just four categories!

To make it even easier for you, we've fashioned it in an acronym S.U.R.E. (Sex. Understanding. Respect. Effort.)

1. Let’s start with the obvious one. Having SEX creates emotional intimacy with your husband. It’s how they connect & communicate love to you and with you. It literally is his way of keeping romance alive in your relationship. For him to connect and feel loved is for you to sometimes initiate sex. He needs you to talk with him about sex. He needs for you to respond to his playfulness and desires. And he needs for you to be consistent about how often you have sex – it is love to him. Think of it this way – if you went 1 day, 1 week, 1 month or 1 year without him loving you how connected would you want to be in the relationship? This is very important -- don’t joke, shame or disrespect him because he has sexual needs. If you are tired or don’t feel well when he wants to have sex, tell him and then reschedule with him. Remember, he gets discourage when you don’t express your sexual passion for him, he feels unwanted and unloved when you don’t.

2. It’s not all about sex though, UNDERSTANDING your mate creates emotional intimacy with your mate as well. Understanding the needs, stresses and burdens of his job. Supporting him, EVEN when he is wrong (it reminds him you are on the same “team”). Understanding and appreciating his contributions to the relationship and family. Understanding his perspective -- remember…”not wrong, just different”. And, understanding his NEED for time with his hobbies.

• Side note to the guys: Enjoying your hobby is a time for pleasure or relaxation NOT as a comfort zone to disconnect from your relationship & family.

3. RESPECTING your mate creates emotional intimacy. That means defending & supporting him with your family and friends. Honoring him in front of the kids is very important. Always disagreeing with him in private and not correcting him on the little and big details (especially in public) shows him respect. After all, who cares if it was 1:00 or 1:30 or if the color was red or blue in the story! Ladies, this is big -- NEVER EVER use the word “divorce” or “I’m out of here” or any similar words like that (It’s a line in the sand and one that sometimes can’t be undone because of its shame and feeling of failure). It’s also about YOU admitting when you are wrong and apologizing whether he does or not. Also important for showing respect is not abusing him (or anyone) in any way.

4. Making an EFFORT in your relationship creates emotional intimacy. When you make an effort to take care of how you, the kids and your home look it shows him you care about him. We all grow older but letting you, the kids and the house go doesn’t create romance at all. Making an effort is also about keeping your small and large commitments. Oh and how he loves when you make an effort to applaud and cheer his efforts & successes…big time! Making the effort to tell him “Thank You” for the little things for instance when he does something you like and even the big things like providing for you and the family. Making the effort to appreciate him and his perspective, skills, knowledge, wisdom and advice creates emotional intimacy for him. Biggest comment in our training, she asks me for my advice and then doesn’t take it. Honor his position even when you don’t agree.

CHALLENGE: 

Look at YOU and what you are and aren't doing to create emotional intimacy with your mate.

HOMEWORK: 

Pick one of the categories (S.U.R.E.) above that you need to work on. Focus this week on at least one of the areas that you need to do the most work. If you want to be brave…ask your mate which one he would like for you to focus on!

SUGGESTION:

We talk about and learn tools for what a man and a woman need for emotional intimacy in our training. If this is an area where you struggle or you want to avoid struggling in be sure attend our next training.  For info, other dates, testimonies or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.

Note to Alumni: IF you have already attended our training, but haven’t been through since we've added the SURE (for women) and 3-Ps (for men) let me encourage you to Refresh. It's powerful stuff!

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com