Wrongdoing and trials expose what is in our hearts, whether the offense comes from our mate or even when we refuse to forgive ourselves. When we are offended by our mates or anyone else for that matter, we react in two ways – the offense or trial either makes our heart bitter or stronger.
When trials come in a relationship, if you get to the 'stronger' side of the offense, your hearts become stronger creating deeper roots that stabilize your future together. If you fail the test and slip into bitterness, you will become resentful of your mate, which causes you to pull away from them and can lead to not just bitterness and resentfulness, but being judgmental, critical and cynical as well.
Obviously, failing the test will also cause great harm that destroys the intimacy in your relationship. If one or both of you are “runners” (if you don’t know what I mean by “runners”, feel free to ask me or attend one of our Couples Training's), it not only destroys the intimacy it can destroy your relationship because pride and fear takes over and you quit, give up or run. The truth is unforgiveness THRIVES when we are “runners”.
That's where forgiveness comes in. I was reminded this week in a group taught by John Crews that mercy, grace and forgiveness begin with humbleness and humbleness begins with letting go of pride and arrogance. I agree it is definitely step one in learning how to forgiven your mate.
• Step 1: Learn, teach and change yourself (not your mate) to be humble getting rid of pride and arrogance not just in your relationship, but in your life. It can be done, but your going to need to get some help and accountability because it’s a tough behavior to create change in. It can be done though one step at a time.
I also was reminded in that group that there is a difference in just forgiving and forgiving from your heart. I agree with that as well. I have read and heard hundreds of processes about forgiveness that actually work from a head level every time. Then slowly but surely resentment begins to creep back in with pride leading the way…all because we didn't truly forgive from our hearts. Until it comes from our hearts, it’s just that --- a process.
• Step 2: Give and Receive Forgiveness from your heart (not your head)
The key is to not let bitterness or resentment set. If you’re struggling with either, it means pride or arrogance got a foot hold and you’ll have to start back with Step 1.
And I know this because…
As a daughter, sister, parent, spouse and with friends as well as with total strangers, I have been confronted with many things that require me to give and receive mercy, grace and forgiveness. I have worked (and continue to work) very hard to do what I’ve needed to do so that I can look at myself in the mirror without bitterness, anger or even unforgiveness, whether it was as the offender or the offended. And of course, I have to do a “check” on whether I have any pride or arrogance around any of it as well.
I realized this week while listening to John Crews in that group, that I was hanging onto unforgiveness as a mother from when someone did great harm to my child. I kept hearing while John was talking…“How can I expect mercy when I am not merciful myself”? Especially since they don’t even know that I am hanging onto it and am bitter towards them.
I’ve never seen unforgiveness healthy in any way, shape or form in my life or anyone else’s. It’s ugly and unattractive no matter who you are. I know that I have poor health right now and this week I’ve been wandering just how much of that is from hanging onto offenses that I have buried deep in my heart and don’t even remember them until I have the courage to really look at grace, mercy and unforgiveness for me and others. Not any more. I am choosing to take a step and work on that...actually I’m going to eat a bit more of that elephant because I know how harmful unforgiveness is to me (and my relationships). No one-step here, I’m going all the way back to Step 1…and get this bitterness out of me before it does even more damage.
The funny thing is unless I hadn’t continued to do things to stretch and grow by attending this group; I don’t know that I would have seen this in my heart for a very long time. It’s easy for us to remember the trials and unforgiveness that is fresh or when the person is in front of us every day. It’s more difficult to see the things that are killing your heart (and relationships) from long ago or out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. I believe that if you are hanging onto them just as I did this one, they are doing the same amount of damage to your mind, body, soul & heart, as my heart attacks did to me. Same thing really…heart disease of the body or heart disease of the mind.
For me, I was hanging onto just because it seems to be easier than dealing with it or because “I’m right and they are wrong”. Sound familiar? Whatever the reason it’s just sad. Sad for me. Sad for you and sad for anyone that chooses that way of living with bitterness, anger and might I add pride and arrogance in their heart.
No more…I chose on Wednesday night to let go of those chains and give mercy to those people for their offense years ago and grace to myself for hanging on to it. Will this journey of forgiveness be easy for me to give to these people? About as easy as it is for pigs to fly. BUT, my heart, life and joy are worth it. And I know it will also give that same life to my relationship with David, because I know that bitterness for others always seeps its way into relationship somewhere if I’d look hard enough. Yep, tough road ahead.
SUGGESTION:
Learn how to break free from the prison of unforgiveness and attend our Next Available Couples Training: April 26-28 or July 26-28. Limited Seating. For more info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect
HOMEWORK:
The Process of Forgiving Your Mate
These first three questions help you get in touch with YOUR feelings, emotions, concerns, and reactions (NOT your mates). They also help you focus on what exactly it is that is causing your hurt.
1. What happened?
What was the offense that continues to bother you? Be specific and give as much detail as you can. (You might want to actually write it out in a private journal.)
2. How did I feel?
What were my emotions: Disappointment? Hurt? Do you feel angry or resentful? Did it cause you to be lonely or maybe even a bit depressed?
3. How did I react?
Did you get angry? Pout? Refuse to talk about it? Pull inward and disconnect? Watch TV? Go to the computer or video games? Go shopping? Eat?
The next three questions move toward reconciliation. They involve some very spiritual-sounding words: confession, forgiveness, repentance. They will bring you toward reconciliation and forgiveness.
1. Confession: What was your part in the conflict or trial?
2. Forgiveness: What do you need to forgive your mate for and is there something you need to ask forgiveness for in this conflict or trial?
3. Repentance: What will you do about it?
SCRIPT FOR YOURSELF:
- “I need to forgive myself for___.”
- “I need to ask forgiveness with my Mate for ___.”
- “I forgive my mate for ___.”
(Remember, you can still feel pain and hurt. Yet in faith, you choose to forgive your Mate. Once you make this choice, often the positive feelings will come later.)
Copyright © 2012 ADE & Associates, Inc. All rights reserved
David & Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides couples training's, workshops and retreats. They are also available to speak at your next event. For information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect
No comments:
Post a Comment