Learn How To Pick Your Battles!

When God graced Amy with life this year by miraculously surviving multiple heart attacks in 2011, it was easy for me to look back at the things that were important & unimportant in the scheme of things to our marriage.

Whether its finances, household chores, job & kid-related pressures, in-laws or health challenges, we realize the list of stressors to a relationship could fill a book. Combine those big problems with minor annoyances – snoring, unfinished to-do list, where the toothpaste is squeezed or how the toilet paper is rolled – and the average couple can find enough fuel to keep them bickering 24/7.

So the question is … just how much of your relationship do you throw away by complaining, bickering, fussing, fighting or stuffing it about something? Obviously major issues cannot & should not be avoided or stuffed, but the key is showing one another grace.

Who is responsible for giving grace in a relationship?
If you are in a relationship that is abusive, seek help. Since there is no abuse in mine it’s 100% all on me on how I react or act with Amy & vice versa. I am the one who has to GROW UP & give G-R-A-C-E whether she chooses to or not or even if she deserves it.

God forbid you were to loose your mate just as I almost lost Amy twice this past year. The goal is to have lived with many more happy memories than regrets over things that really don't matter in the big picture.

5 things that create an Arguments
•Interacting/Communicating when in low-resources (tired, hungry, angry, stressed)
•Keeping a record of your mate’s wrongs (unforgiveness)
•Expectations…they will disappoint you every time!
•Selfishness…everything isn’t ALWAYS about you.
•Hearing what you want to hear (not listening)

CHALLENGE: Look at areas in your relationship where YOU can grow up & give more grace.
HOMEWORK: When you are NOT at low resources, as a couple, create a safe “plan” on how to talk about hard things that gives more grace than bickering.

SUGGESTION: Learn more about “Low Resources”, “Power Listening”, “Safe Communicating" & "Forgiveness" at one of our trainings in 2012: January 21-22, April 14-15, July 14-15 or October 20-21. For more info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com

To talk with us, contact 800.229.9252 or info@creatingintimacyandrespect.com

Do You Have A Monkey Destroying Your Relationship?

"The Monkey's Fist" is an ancient parable, where Native tribes would catch monkeys by hollowing out coconuts, filling them with bait, then tethering them to trees to lure the monkeys. When the monkey reached into the small opening in the coconut, his hand fit, but once his fist was full of the bait, he couldn't retrieve it so the monkey was trapped.

The lesson for all of us is that the coconut was not the monkey's undoing, but rather his unwillingness to let go of the bait. A common bait for people/couples is clutching onto a behavior/habit that is unraveling their relationship. We hear a variety of reasons why they are unwilling to let go or to get help, and it never fails some months later, I read on FB or hear from them that their relationship is hanging on by a thread, they’re separating or even filing for divorce.

So why do we hang onto sabotaging behaviors?
Why do we let those behaviors trap us to the point it destroys our relationships, lives, families & faith? Generally it’s simple (& this may sting a bit) -- fear or pride. Then you add on to that fear or pride the distractions in our lives that can erupt those behaviors. When we become unwilling, stubborn, embarrassed or distraught about getting the help we need, we gripe, threaten, control, complain, become angry or sad, nag or whine.

Here are a few things to help you take the first courageous step create something different:

STEP 1: Acknowledge that you and your mate are not perfect & NEVER will be. You are like every other person & couple (including David & I) by having issues. The success & strength of people & couples are differentiated in their choices to be willing to set aside fear or pride & do something about it.

STEP 2: Determine if you long for… hope, trust, honesty, safety, peace, joy, love, respect, communication, connection, intimacy, forgiveness, happiness, & whatever else best describes that special, safe & warm place you long for in your relationship.
· If you long for these, skip to Step 4.
· If you long for safety, seek a Professional today.

STEP 3: Look at the behaviors that YOU (not your mate) do that are sabotaging, unraveling or destroying your relationship.
· If you don’t know what they are, skip to Step 4B.
· If you do know what they are go to Step 4

STEP 4: What can you do about those behaviors?

STEP 4A: Maybe you need a self-help book or CD? Or maybe you need to meet with a Professional (Mentor, Life Coach, Minister, & Counselor)? If you have behaviors that are unraveling or destroying rarely will a book or CD work. As for a Professional, if you are thinking you might need one at ALL, then you need one! (Our unique training is so effective that many Professionals refer their clients to us to jump-start sessions.)

STEP 4B: I would actually suggest you do this one first and nip it all in the bud by doing something many couples do… attend a Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples Training. There, you & your mate can safely & quickly identify your sabotaging behaviors, their “bates” & learn tools to stop them.

STEP 4C: Get involved with an accountability partner or group.

If you or your relationship is struggling right now because of sabotaging baits…behaviors, habits, actions or reactions…you're in a trap and need to release your grip. There's not a better time to let go of that bait & never has there been so many incredible resources for you – more than you could ever hold in your fists. All you have to do is just open your hands!

CHALLENGE: See Steps 1 through 3 above.

HOMEWORK: See Step 4 above.

SUGGESTION: See Step 4B & 4C above. Learn how to identify the sabotaging baits, habits, actions & reactions & learn how to create tools & skills to stop them. Register for one of our four 2012’s Couples Training at the DoubleTree @ Hilton Hotel, Irving, TX. Hurry & register before January 21-22’s class is full! For info or to register go to: www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com


To talk with us, contact 1.800.229.9252 or info@creatingintimacyandrespect.com.