So how did this fight get started anyway?

by Amy Ensminger

Have you ever said or thought “I can’t believe I did that!”; “Where did that come from?”; “That’s just not like me!”? It’s called The Fog of War which is something that happens in the midst of battle – everything seems chaotic & nothing makes any sense.

In the fog of war people do, say & think things that are completely out of character for them & usually was done when one or both of you were at low resources.

The source of these actions & our battles is neither our mate, nor our spouse, nor our marriage…it’s what is in our OWN hearts – entirely, totally, exclusively, without exception. Simply put, whatever shows up in my words or actions (bad or good) isn’t around me or outside of me, it comes from one place: my heart. These things said or done that do damage of any kind to our mate can be complex and long-lasting. In essence, we really do reap what we sow, & our battles have actual consequences. They are not war-games, but can be war itself. They are crafty, alluring and they betray us.

What does this mean for our relationship?

It means that no matter how defeated we feel in the battle, right slap-dab in the middle of it all can be GRACE! Grace comes in all forms…forgiveness, mercy, flexibility, charity, kindness, caring, favor, honor, prayer & decency…not just for our mate, but for ourselves as well and…it’s for the giving & the taking! As we personally have learned, it means there are no lost causes or hopeless situations for people or relationships. If you truly love & respect yourself & your mate, we believe the steps to asking for forgiveness & changing those sabotaging behaviors & habits needs to begin immediately to stop the bleeding! For it is our responses to the damage that determine the outcome of any given battle. Better said, it’s not the end of a battle, but the beginning of restoration. Each day is a day of new mercy & power to confess, love, forgive & restore. Isn't that just the most hope & joy-filled thing ever for any relationship!

Challenge: 

Look at where you can apply more grace BEFORE the battle begins?

Homework:

Individually come up with 3 simple steps you can take to begin changing YOUR sabotaging behaviors & habits & share them with an accountability partner. If it’s something you haven’t shared with your mate - be vulnerable and share it with them. Vulnerability is a good thing!

Suggestion:

Learn how to identify & stop sabotaging behaviors & habits, learn how to give and accept GRACE for yourself & your relationship, understand what “low resources” and over 50+ tools/tips in our next Couples Training. For info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

When to Apologize

by Amy Ensminger

You'd think that someone wouldn't have to tell you when to apologize. In many relationships that isn't the case because it depends on the healthiness of the relationship, the emotional development (maturity) of the people involved and the issue itself that caused the need for the apology.

For instance, today in David and my relationship, 9 out of 10 times, you wouldn't have to remind either of us to apologize to the other for something. Our relationship is very healthy; we are both mature and emotionally developed in our relationship; and there aren't too many issues today that we don't see and catch before it gets to the point an apology would even be necessary because we give one another DAILY grace.

That wasn't the case at ALL in 2004. Our relationship was very unhealthy, we were both undeveloped and immature in our relationship (as individuals as well) and we used issues and events to get back at one another in our "right-fight" battles (I'm right...no, I'm right). We were definitely a candidate for someone giving us tips, suggestions, ideas and tools on when to apologize and how to apologize. We just didn't know where to start or who to turn to and didn't make the effort to get help until it was too late. If we'd know just a fraction of what we teach in our couples trainings we wouldn't have spent so much money on divorce attorneys!

Here are just a few to remember...

* When you are impatient or unkind

* When you are cruel or hard-hearted

* When you are envious or prideful

* When you are rude or selfish

* When you get angry or pout

* When damage or break something of their

* When you ignore them

* When you blame or shame

* When you are unforgiving or hold a grudge

* When your attention is on TV, cell, computer, etc vs. them

* When you are confusing

* When you demand your own way

* When you flip out an "sorry" and don't sincerely mean you apologize

* When you are irritable or touchy

* When you keep score of when they do it right or wrong

* When you don't support or protect them in private or in public

* When you don't stand up for them in private or public

* When you are not genuine or you offend them

* When you don't trust or have faith in them

* When you lie or stretch the truth (same thing by the way)

* When you quit on them or the relationship

* When you are forgetful (small and large things)

* When you are unloving or disrespectful

SUGGESTION:

Take advantage of every opportunity you can sincerely apologize because it shows them you love and respect them. If you are someone who historically does not apologize in the relationship like I was or you have become a doormat always taking the blame with your "I'm sorry's", this is a personal challenge for you to pick at least three to start with. Whether you say it too much or not at all, you will experience a tremendous change if you begin sincerely apologizing. It tells the person you respect and love them even if you don't agree with them. Oh and btw, an apology without change or correction in the behavior grows into mistrust and falls on deaf ears after until action is taken. To avoid that, learn a new positive habit/action that creates change around what you are apologizing for. AND, if you are the one that still holds a grudge after the apology - you are doing just as much damage to the relationship (and yourself) by keeping a record of wrongs.

NOTE: Did you notice that most of the things on this list apply to apologizing to most anyone in your life?

HOMEWORK:

If you don't know where to start I do. In a safe place, we will teach you how to sincerely apologize to your mate. We will teach you how to communicate and listen to your mate. We will teach you how to break free of the prison of unforgiveness. We will teach you how to create new habits for loving and respecting your mate. We will teach men how to love their mate and women how to respect their mate. We will teach you how to create intimacy in your relationship and so much more. Read more at www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

Learn How To Pick Your Battles!

When God graced Amy with life this year by miraculously surviving multiple heart attacks in 2011, it was easy for me to look back at the things that were important & unimportant in the scheme of things to our marriage.

Whether its finances, household chores, job & kid-related pressures, in-laws or health challenges, we realize the list of stressors to a relationship could fill a book. Combine those big problems with minor annoyances – snoring, unfinished to-do list, where the toothpaste is squeezed or how the toilet paper is rolled – and the average couple can find enough fuel to keep them bickering 24/7.

So the question is … just how much of your relationship do you throw away by complaining, bickering, fussing, fighting or stuffing it about something? Obviously major issues cannot & should not be avoided or stuffed, but the key is showing one another grace.

Who is responsible for giving grace in a relationship?
If you are in a relationship that is abusive, seek help. Since there is no abuse in mine it’s 100% all on me on how I react or act with Amy & vice versa. I am the one who has to GROW UP & give G-R-A-C-E whether she chooses to or not or even if she deserves it.

God forbid you were to loose your mate just as I almost lost Amy twice this past year. The goal is to have lived with many more happy memories than regrets over things that really don't matter in the big picture.

5 things that create an Arguments
•Interacting/Communicating when in low-resources (tired, hungry, angry, stressed)
•Keeping a record of your mate’s wrongs (unforgiveness)
•Expectations…they will disappoint you every time!
•Selfishness…everything isn’t ALWAYS about you.
•Hearing what you want to hear (not listening)

CHALLENGE: Look at areas in your relationship where YOU can grow up & give more grace.
HOMEWORK: When you are NOT at low resources, as a couple, create a safe “plan” on how to talk about hard things that gives more grace than bickering.

SUGGESTION: Learn more about “Low Resources”, “Power Listening”, “Safe Communicating" & "Forgiveness" at one of our trainings in 2012: January 21-22, April 14-15, July 14-15 or October 20-21. For more info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com

To talk with us, contact 800.229.9252 or info@creatingintimacyandrespect.com