So how did this fight get started anyway?

by Amy Ensminger

Have you ever said or thought “I can’t believe I did that!”; “Where did that come from?”; “That’s just not like me!”? It’s called The Fog of War which is something that happens in the midst of battle – everything seems chaotic & nothing makes any sense.

In the fog of war people do, say & think things that are completely out of character for them & usually was done when one or both of you were at low resources.

The source of these actions & our battles is neither our mate, nor our spouse, nor our marriage…it’s what is in our OWN hearts – entirely, totally, exclusively, without exception. Simply put, whatever shows up in my words or actions (bad or good) isn’t around me or outside of me, it comes from one place: my heart. These things said or done that do damage of any kind to our mate can be complex and long-lasting. In essence, we really do reap what we sow, & our battles have actual consequences. They are not war-games, but can be war itself. They are crafty, alluring and they betray us.

What does this mean for our relationship?

It means that no matter how defeated we feel in the battle, right slap-dab in the middle of it all can be GRACE! Grace comes in all forms…forgiveness, mercy, flexibility, charity, kindness, caring, favor, honor, prayer & decency…not just for our mate, but for ourselves as well and…it’s for the giving & the taking! As we personally have learned, it means there are no lost causes or hopeless situations for people or relationships. If you truly love & respect yourself & your mate, we believe the steps to asking for forgiveness & changing those sabotaging behaviors & habits needs to begin immediately to stop the bleeding! For it is our responses to the damage that determine the outcome of any given battle. Better said, it’s not the end of a battle, but the beginning of restoration. Each day is a day of new mercy & power to confess, love, forgive & restore. Isn't that just the most hope & joy-filled thing ever for any relationship!

Challenge: 

Look at where you can apply more grace BEFORE the battle begins?

Homework:

Individually come up with 3 simple steps you can take to begin changing YOUR sabotaging behaviors & habits & share them with an accountability partner. If it’s something you haven’t shared with your mate - be vulnerable and share it with them. Vulnerability is a good thing!

Suggestion:

Learn how to identify & stop sabotaging behaviors & habits, learn how to give and accept GRACE for yourself & your relationship, understand what “low resources” and over 50+ tools/tips in our next Couples Training. For info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

When to Apologize

by Amy Ensminger

You'd think that someone wouldn't have to tell you when to apologize. In many relationships that isn't the case because it depends on the healthiness of the relationship, the emotional development (maturity) of the people involved and the issue itself that caused the need for the apology.

For instance, today in David and my relationship, 9 out of 10 times, you wouldn't have to remind either of us to apologize to the other for something. Our relationship is very healthy; we are both mature and emotionally developed in our relationship; and there aren't too many issues today that we don't see and catch before it gets to the point an apology would even be necessary because we give one another DAILY grace.

That wasn't the case at ALL in 2004. Our relationship was very unhealthy, we were both undeveloped and immature in our relationship (as individuals as well) and we used issues and events to get back at one another in our "right-fight" battles (I'm right...no, I'm right). We were definitely a candidate for someone giving us tips, suggestions, ideas and tools on when to apologize and how to apologize. We just didn't know where to start or who to turn to and didn't make the effort to get help until it was too late. If we'd know just a fraction of what we teach in our couples trainings we wouldn't have spent so much money on divorce attorneys!

Here are just a few to remember...

* When you are impatient or unkind

* When you are cruel or hard-hearted

* When you are envious or prideful

* When you are rude or selfish

* When you get angry or pout

* When damage or break something of their

* When you ignore them

* When you blame or shame

* When you are unforgiving or hold a grudge

* When your attention is on TV, cell, computer, etc vs. them

* When you are confusing

* When you demand your own way

* When you flip out an "sorry" and don't sincerely mean you apologize

* When you are irritable or touchy

* When you keep score of when they do it right or wrong

* When you don't support or protect them in private or in public

* When you don't stand up for them in private or public

* When you are not genuine or you offend them

* When you don't trust or have faith in them

* When you lie or stretch the truth (same thing by the way)

* When you quit on them or the relationship

* When you are forgetful (small and large things)

* When you are unloving or disrespectful

SUGGESTION:

Take advantage of every opportunity you can sincerely apologize because it shows them you love and respect them. If you are someone who historically does not apologize in the relationship like I was or you have become a doormat always taking the blame with your "I'm sorry's", this is a personal challenge for you to pick at least three to start with. Whether you say it too much or not at all, you will experience a tremendous change if you begin sincerely apologizing. It tells the person you respect and love them even if you don't agree with them. Oh and btw, an apology without change or correction in the behavior grows into mistrust and falls on deaf ears after until action is taken. To avoid that, learn a new positive habit/action that creates change around what you are apologizing for. AND, if you are the one that still holds a grudge after the apology - you are doing just as much damage to the relationship (and yourself) by keeping a record of wrongs.

NOTE: Did you notice that most of the things on this list apply to apologizing to most anyone in your life?

HOMEWORK:

If you don't know where to start I do. In a safe place, we will teach you how to sincerely apologize to your mate. We will teach you how to communicate and listen to your mate. We will teach you how to break free of the prison of unforgiveness. We will teach you how to create new habits for loving and respecting your mate. We will teach men how to love their mate and women how to respect their mate. We will teach you how to create intimacy in your relationship and so much more. Read more at www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

This is Destroying Your Relationship(s)!

by Amy Ensminger. (Some excerpts about Pride from Rick Warren)

Conflict, Arguments, Confusion, Stress, Hurt Feelings,

Disappointment, Anger & Chaos.

There is ONE sabotaging behavior in common with all these -- pride. Particularly wounded pride. When pride is in full force, it tells us what we want to hear. It whispers in our ear and gives us little thoughts, suggestions and ideas. For instance when you're in the middle of an argument, you're angry or you're hurt - PRIDE starts whispering things in your ear like...

"You don't have to take this kind of stuff."

"I'm going to get even."

"Who do they think they are?"

"I'll show them."

"Defend yourself!"

"Don't be a door mat."

"Don't put up with this kind of stuff."

"I'll show them who's boss."

"That's it! I'm out of here."

"I can't believe they are saying/doing that."

"I want a divorce."

"I'm not taking this any more."

"How dare them say/do that to me!"

These are the type things PRIDE will not only say to you, but will make you believe they are true. I have a question. Which one 'stings' the most when you read through them? Which one's have you heard yourself say out loud or to yourself? That's your first priority is to identify your pride, then wise up to the tactics of how it acts/reacts so you can take some defensive action. Once you've identified it above, stop and ask yourself how was it sabotaging my relationship...

"How am I being prideful here?"

"What am I not willing to admit?"

"Why am I not willing to compromise?"

"What am I trying to hide?"

"What am I being stubborn about?"

"Why am I being selfish about that?"

"Why am I keeping that a secret?"

"Why am I not willing to do that?"

"Why am I only thinking of me and not the other person's needs, desires and attitudes?"

Great news -- pride is just a behavior! It is a behavior that was learned so it can be unlearned with work, discipline, dedication and accountability.

CHALLENGE:

1. Think of the last time you had an argument with your mate. How was YOUR pride involved (not your mates?)
2. Identify exactly how you were prideful and how it was sabotaging your relationship and share it with an accountability partner or buddy you can trust.
3. Now, what is something you can do different the next time -- just a SMALL step (don't try and eat the entire elephant at a time).
4. Memorize "Pride leads to conflict, be humble". Say this to yourself whenever you feel/hear yourself being prideful.
5. Now, apologize to your mate on how your pride hurt them and the relationship and ask for forgiveness.
6. If you aren't able to overcome this behavior attend our couples training, or seek a counselor or life coach.

HOMEWORK:

If you are in a pre-marital, marital or crisis relationship attend (OR refresh to deepen your understanding) our next couples training and learn the art of communication and resolving conflict. Learn how to identify & stop your sabotaging behaviors. Learn how to forgive and let go. Learn exactly what you and your mate need to feel loved & respected. Learn 50+ relationship tools & tips.

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

Do You Have A Monkey Destroying Your Relationship?

"The Monkey's Fist" is an ancient parable, where Native tribes would catch monkeys by hollowing out coconuts, filling them with bait, then tethering them to trees to lure the monkeys. When the monkey reached into the small opening in the coconut, his hand fit, but once his fist was full of the bait, he couldn't retrieve it so the monkey was trapped.

The lesson for all of us is that the coconut was not the monkey's undoing, but rather his unwillingness to let go of the bait. A common bait for people/couples is clutching onto a behavior/habit that is unraveling their relationship. We hear a variety of reasons why they are unwilling to let go or to get help, and it never fails some months later, I read on FB or hear from them that their relationship is hanging on by a thread, they’re separating or even filing for divorce.

So why do we hang onto sabotaging behaviors?
Why do we let those behaviors trap us to the point it destroys our relationships, lives, families & faith? Generally it’s simple (& this may sting a bit) -- fear or pride. Then you add on to that fear or pride the distractions in our lives that can erupt those behaviors. When we become unwilling, stubborn, embarrassed or distraught about getting the help we need, we gripe, threaten, control, complain, become angry or sad, nag or whine.

Here are a few things to help you take the first courageous step create something different:

STEP 1: Acknowledge that you and your mate are not perfect & NEVER will be. You are like every other person & couple (including David & I) by having issues. The success & strength of people & couples are differentiated in their choices to be willing to set aside fear or pride & do something about it.

STEP 2: Determine if you long for… hope, trust, honesty, safety, peace, joy, love, respect, communication, connection, intimacy, forgiveness, happiness, & whatever else best describes that special, safe & warm place you long for in your relationship.
· If you long for these, skip to Step 4.
· If you long for safety, seek a Professional today.

STEP 3: Look at the behaviors that YOU (not your mate) do that are sabotaging, unraveling or destroying your relationship.
· If you don’t know what they are, skip to Step 4B.
· If you do know what they are go to Step 4

STEP 4: What can you do about those behaviors?

STEP 4A: Maybe you need a self-help book or CD? Or maybe you need to meet with a Professional (Mentor, Life Coach, Minister, & Counselor)? If you have behaviors that are unraveling or destroying rarely will a book or CD work. As for a Professional, if you are thinking you might need one at ALL, then you need one! (Our unique training is so effective that many Professionals refer their clients to us to jump-start sessions.)

STEP 4B: I would actually suggest you do this one first and nip it all in the bud by doing something many couples do… attend a Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples Training. There, you & your mate can safely & quickly identify your sabotaging behaviors, their “bates” & learn tools to stop them.

STEP 4C: Get involved with an accountability partner or group.

If you or your relationship is struggling right now because of sabotaging baits…behaviors, habits, actions or reactions…you're in a trap and need to release your grip. There's not a better time to let go of that bait & never has there been so many incredible resources for you – more than you could ever hold in your fists. All you have to do is just open your hands!

CHALLENGE: See Steps 1 through 3 above.

HOMEWORK: See Step 4 above.

SUGGESTION: See Step 4B & 4C above. Learn how to identify the sabotaging baits, habits, actions & reactions & learn how to create tools & skills to stop them. Register for one of our four 2012’s Couples Training at the DoubleTree @ Hilton Hotel, Irving, TX. Hurry & register before January 21-22’s class is full! For info or to register go to: www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com


To talk with us, contact 1.800.229.9252 or info@creatingintimacyandrespect.com.