So how did this fight get started anyway?

by Amy Ensminger

Have you ever said or thought “I can’t believe I did that!”; “Where did that come from?”; “That’s just not like me!”? It’s called The Fog of War which is something that happens in the midst of battle – everything seems chaotic & nothing makes any sense.

In the fog of war people do, say & think things that are completely out of character for them & usually was done when one or both of you were at low resources.

The source of these actions & our battles is neither our mate, nor our spouse, nor our marriage…it’s what is in our OWN hearts – entirely, totally, exclusively, without exception. Simply put, whatever shows up in my words or actions (bad or good) isn’t around me or outside of me, it comes from one place: my heart. These things said or done that do damage of any kind to our mate can be complex and long-lasting. In essence, we really do reap what we sow, & our battles have actual consequences. They are not war-games, but can be war itself. They are crafty, alluring and they betray us.

What does this mean for our relationship?

It means that no matter how defeated we feel in the battle, right slap-dab in the middle of it all can be GRACE! Grace comes in all forms…forgiveness, mercy, flexibility, charity, kindness, caring, favor, honor, prayer & decency…not just for our mate, but for ourselves as well and…it’s for the giving & the taking! As we personally have learned, it means there are no lost causes or hopeless situations for people or relationships. If you truly love & respect yourself & your mate, we believe the steps to asking for forgiveness & changing those sabotaging behaviors & habits needs to begin immediately to stop the bleeding! For it is our responses to the damage that determine the outcome of any given battle. Better said, it’s not the end of a battle, but the beginning of restoration. Each day is a day of new mercy & power to confess, love, forgive & restore. Isn't that just the most hope & joy-filled thing ever for any relationship!

Challenge: 

Look at where you can apply more grace BEFORE the battle begins?

Homework:

Individually come up with 3 simple steps you can take to begin changing YOUR sabotaging behaviors & habits & share them with an accountability partner. If it’s something you haven’t shared with your mate - be vulnerable and share it with them. Vulnerability is a good thing!

Suggestion:

Learn how to identify & stop sabotaging behaviors & habits, learn how to give and accept GRACE for yourself & your relationship, understand what “low resources” and over 50+ tools/tips in our next Couples Training. For info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

This is Destroying Your Relationship(s)!

by Amy Ensminger. (Some excerpts about Pride from Rick Warren)

Conflict, Arguments, Confusion, Stress, Hurt Feelings,

Disappointment, Anger & Chaos.

There is ONE sabotaging behavior in common with all these -- pride. Particularly wounded pride. When pride is in full force, it tells us what we want to hear. It whispers in our ear and gives us little thoughts, suggestions and ideas. For instance when you're in the middle of an argument, you're angry or you're hurt - PRIDE starts whispering things in your ear like...

"You don't have to take this kind of stuff."

"I'm going to get even."

"Who do they think they are?"

"I'll show them."

"Defend yourself!"

"Don't be a door mat."

"Don't put up with this kind of stuff."

"I'll show them who's boss."

"That's it! I'm out of here."

"I can't believe they are saying/doing that."

"I want a divorce."

"I'm not taking this any more."

"How dare them say/do that to me!"

These are the type things PRIDE will not only say to you, but will make you believe they are true. I have a question. Which one 'stings' the most when you read through them? Which one's have you heard yourself say out loud or to yourself? That's your first priority is to identify your pride, then wise up to the tactics of how it acts/reacts so you can take some defensive action. Once you've identified it above, stop and ask yourself how was it sabotaging my relationship...

"How am I being prideful here?"

"What am I not willing to admit?"

"Why am I not willing to compromise?"

"What am I trying to hide?"

"What am I being stubborn about?"

"Why am I being selfish about that?"

"Why am I keeping that a secret?"

"Why am I not willing to do that?"

"Why am I only thinking of me and not the other person's needs, desires and attitudes?"

Great news -- pride is just a behavior! It is a behavior that was learned so it can be unlearned with work, discipline, dedication and accountability.

CHALLENGE:

1. Think of the last time you had an argument with your mate. How was YOUR pride involved (not your mates?)
2. Identify exactly how you were prideful and how it was sabotaging your relationship and share it with an accountability partner or buddy you can trust.
3. Now, what is something you can do different the next time -- just a SMALL step (don't try and eat the entire elephant at a time).
4. Memorize "Pride leads to conflict, be humble". Say this to yourself whenever you feel/hear yourself being prideful.
5. Now, apologize to your mate on how your pride hurt them and the relationship and ask for forgiveness.
6. If you aren't able to overcome this behavior attend our couples training, or seek a counselor or life coach.

HOMEWORK:

If you are in a pre-marital, marital or crisis relationship attend (OR refresh to deepen your understanding) our next couples training and learn the art of communication and resolving conflict. Learn how to identify & stop your sabotaging behaviors. Learn how to forgive and let go. Learn exactly what you and your mate need to feel loved & respected. Learn 50+ relationship tools & tips.

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com