This is Destroying Your Relationship(s)!

by Amy Ensminger. (Some excerpts about Pride from Rick Warren)

Conflict, Arguments, Confusion, Stress, Hurt Feelings,

Disappointment, Anger & Chaos.

There is ONE sabotaging behavior in common with all these -- pride. Particularly wounded pride. When pride is in full force, it tells us what we want to hear. It whispers in our ear and gives us little thoughts, suggestions and ideas. For instance when you're in the middle of an argument, you're angry or you're hurt - PRIDE starts whispering things in your ear like...

"You don't have to take this kind of stuff."

"I'm going to get even."

"Who do they think they are?"

"I'll show them."

"Defend yourself!"

"Don't be a door mat."

"Don't put up with this kind of stuff."

"I'll show them who's boss."

"That's it! I'm out of here."

"I can't believe they are saying/doing that."

"I want a divorce."

"I'm not taking this any more."

"How dare them say/do that to me!"

These are the type things PRIDE will not only say to you, but will make you believe they are true. I have a question. Which one 'stings' the most when you read through them? Which one's have you heard yourself say out loud or to yourself? That's your first priority is to identify your pride, then wise up to the tactics of how it acts/reacts so you can take some defensive action. Once you've identified it above, stop and ask yourself how was it sabotaging my relationship...

"How am I being prideful here?"

"What am I not willing to admit?"

"Why am I not willing to compromise?"

"What am I trying to hide?"

"What am I being stubborn about?"

"Why am I being selfish about that?"

"Why am I keeping that a secret?"

"Why am I not willing to do that?"

"Why am I only thinking of me and not the other person's needs, desires and attitudes?"

Great news -- pride is just a behavior! It is a behavior that was learned so it can be unlearned with work, discipline, dedication and accountability.

CHALLENGE:

1. Think of the last time you had an argument with your mate. How was YOUR pride involved (not your mates?)
2. Identify exactly how you were prideful and how it was sabotaging your relationship and share it with an accountability partner or buddy you can trust.
3. Now, what is something you can do different the next time -- just a SMALL step (don't try and eat the entire elephant at a time).
4. Memorize "Pride leads to conflict, be humble". Say this to yourself whenever you feel/hear yourself being prideful.
5. Now, apologize to your mate on how your pride hurt them and the relationship and ask for forgiveness.
6. If you aren't able to overcome this behavior attend our couples training, or seek a counselor or life coach.

HOMEWORK:

If you are in a pre-marital, marital or crisis relationship attend (OR refresh to deepen your understanding) our next couples training and learn the art of communication and resolving conflict. Learn how to identify & stop your sabotaging behaviors. Learn how to forgive and let go. Learn exactly what you and your mate need to feel loved & respected. Learn 50+ relationship tools & tips.

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

Suggestions for Creating Intimacy in Your Relationship

By David & Amy Ensminger

Whether you are in a committed relationship or have been married for 50 years, the sure-fire way to create intimacy is to do something together! They are not just for one mate to do – build intimacy with your mate by handling all the details of the one you are initiating for your relationship.

• Walk along the pond or beach together, holding hands.
• Read a great book together.
• Go on a picnic to an isolated place (field, beach, football field, parking lot).
• Watch your wedding video together.
• Enjoy a sunrise or sunset together.
• Laugh until it hurts, about a story from your past together.
• Listen to romantic music together, while sitting in the car.
• Share with one another your favorite wedding day memory.
• Write short love notes about what you are thankful for about your mate & lay them around the house & car
• Snuggle in front of the fire together.
• Watch your favorite movie together.
• Spend 2 hours together on the couch together w/no TV, phones, internet. Talk or don’t talk, just spend the time together reading to one another, talking or snuggling. No sex, just intimacy.
• Cook a meal together.
• Ask your mate to describe the perfect time with one another to get him/her in the mood & then do your best to create it!
• Help someone in need together.
• Have fun! Have a water fight…equal weapons; arsenal & access to water are a must. No competing, just fun.
• Build a wonderful new memory together.
• Pray over your mate (99% in our trainings say on their surveys that is what they want from their mate).
• Pack a romantic picnic of finger foods and feed to one another.
• Write a love letter or poem and give to your mate,
• Watch a romantic movie together … trust me on this guys!
• Go through your wedding album together,
• Ask your mate “What can I do this week to help you feel I love / respect you?” – And then do it!
• Put on your favorite song and dance together in your living room or out in the parking lot!
• Light candles in the living room and have a picnic. Share with your mate why you love them.
• Buy a used copy of “Love Talk Starters” on Amazon.com or Half Price Books and answer a few of the questions in the book together every night for 30 days

NOTE: Notice there are no kids, friends or family involved in these suggestions? These times to create and grow intimacy are just for the two of you together!

CHALLENGE:

Come up with your own list. You don’t always need money to do something together. Do your best at coming up with things that require little or no money.

HOMEWORK: 

Do at least one of the above a week and watch as intimacy grows in your relationship!

SUGGESTION: 

Want to do something to create intimacy that will really work & works FAST!!! Attend a Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples Training!  For info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

Do You Have A Monkey Destroying Your Relationship?

"The Monkey's Fist" is an ancient parable, where Native tribes would catch monkeys by hollowing out coconuts, filling them with bait, then tethering them to trees to lure the monkeys. When the monkey reached into the small opening in the coconut, his hand fit, but once his fist was full of the bait, he couldn't retrieve it so the monkey was trapped.

The lesson for all of us is that the coconut was not the monkey's undoing, but rather his unwillingness to let go of the bait. A common bait for people/couples is clutching onto a behavior/habit that is unraveling their relationship. We hear a variety of reasons why they are unwilling to let go or to get help, and it never fails some months later, I read on FB or hear from them that their relationship is hanging on by a thread, they’re separating or even filing for divorce.

So why do we hang onto sabotaging behaviors?
Why do we let those behaviors trap us to the point it destroys our relationships, lives, families & faith? Generally it’s simple (& this may sting a bit) -- fear or pride. Then you add on to that fear or pride the distractions in our lives that can erupt those behaviors. When we become unwilling, stubborn, embarrassed or distraught about getting the help we need, we gripe, threaten, control, complain, become angry or sad, nag or whine.

Here are a few things to help you take the first courageous step create something different:

STEP 1: Acknowledge that you and your mate are not perfect & NEVER will be. You are like every other person & couple (including David & I) by having issues. The success & strength of people & couples are differentiated in their choices to be willing to set aside fear or pride & do something about it.

STEP 2: Determine if you long for… hope, trust, honesty, safety, peace, joy, love, respect, communication, connection, intimacy, forgiveness, happiness, & whatever else best describes that special, safe & warm place you long for in your relationship.
· If you long for these, skip to Step 4.
· If you long for safety, seek a Professional today.

STEP 3: Look at the behaviors that YOU (not your mate) do that are sabotaging, unraveling or destroying your relationship.
· If you don’t know what they are, skip to Step 4B.
· If you do know what they are go to Step 4

STEP 4: What can you do about those behaviors?

STEP 4A: Maybe you need a self-help book or CD? Or maybe you need to meet with a Professional (Mentor, Life Coach, Minister, & Counselor)? If you have behaviors that are unraveling or destroying rarely will a book or CD work. As for a Professional, if you are thinking you might need one at ALL, then you need one! (Our unique training is so effective that many Professionals refer their clients to us to jump-start sessions.)

STEP 4B: I would actually suggest you do this one first and nip it all in the bud by doing something many couples do… attend a Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples Training. There, you & your mate can safely & quickly identify your sabotaging behaviors, their “bates” & learn tools to stop them.

STEP 4C: Get involved with an accountability partner or group.

If you or your relationship is struggling right now because of sabotaging baits…behaviors, habits, actions or reactions…you're in a trap and need to release your grip. There's not a better time to let go of that bait & never has there been so many incredible resources for you – more than you could ever hold in your fists. All you have to do is just open your hands!

CHALLENGE: See Steps 1 through 3 above.

HOMEWORK: See Step 4 above.

SUGGESTION: See Step 4B & 4C above. Learn how to identify the sabotaging baits, habits, actions & reactions & learn how to create tools & skills to stop them. Register for one of our four 2012’s Couples Training at the DoubleTree @ Hilton Hotel, Irving, TX. Hurry & register before January 21-22’s class is full! For info or to register go to: www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com


To talk with us, contact 1.800.229.9252 or info@creatingintimacyandrespect.com.