DO YOU STINK AT COMMUNICATING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?

 By Amy Ensminger

We teach a simple tool in our Couples Training that we didn't create.  “A tap B”.  We learned it from several other training’s we have attended.  Simply put, the first person to tap the other is “A” and they talk first.  The key is that while they are talking B does NOTHING but listen.  Then when its B’s turn, A does NOTHING but listen.  It’s a perfect tool we use to create safety and respectful communication in our training rooms. 

Although you might not want to yell “A tap B’ and then reach across the desk and tap your boss telling he/she “I’m A”, this process works very well in communicating respectfully with others.  In using this tool, it shows respect that each of you need and deserve in a conversation. When used properly it can also create safety in your relationship when it might otherwise go sideways in a conversation.

Let’s back up and go to the beginning.  I have a question for you…do you stink at communication in your relationships?  If you aren't sure these are a few tell-tell signs of sabotaging behaviors and habits in communication that you may be doing.  NOTICE:  All of these behaviors begin with “YOU”.  That’s because I want to focus on what you do/say not anyone else:

·        you interrupt them while their talking (I’m still working on this one!)

·        you say… “yes, yes, yes” or “yea, yea, yea” or “uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh” constantly while they talk

·        you nod your head like a bobbing head dog you see in the back of a car while they are talking

·        you don’t look at the person when they are talking (instead you watch  TV, cell phones, reading or video games)

·        you dominate or control the conversation

·        “You too”…when they say something you say … “well, you do/did it too” or “I only did it because you did it” (I used to be horrible about this!!!)

·        you communicate with them based upon how YOU need information/details vs. how they need information/details

·        you are a right-fighter – everything is about being right or wrong

·        your way or no way

·        you have your rebuttal ready before they even finish talking

·        you make the conversation all about you

·        you’re a bottomless pit and talk non stop

·        you maintain status quo as to not rock the boat

·        you are negative or pessimistic  in your conversation

·        your needy when you are with them in conversation

·        you make everything a joke or throw out zingers all the time

·        you don’t think before you speak and put your foot in your mouth

·        you are a bottomless pit

·        you avoid communicating with them all together

·        you exaggerate or lie in your conversations

·        you pretend everything is great (see the behavior listed above)

·        you have a sharp or edgy “Tone” in your conversation or voice

·        your passive and don’t participate in the conversation

·        you bring up the past all the time

·        you attack or are aggressive or critical

·        you stuff your voice vs. giving your thoughts, opinions & ideas

If you want to have different communication in your relationship(s), you have to create it.  YOU start. YOU lead. YOU inspire. So here are a few tips for YOU to create change in your communication:

Tip 1:  Make this all about … You

Start by changing or stopping the sabotaging behaviors you bring to the relationship that you identified above (are there some not on the list?).  If you don’t know how, get some help.  Go to our couples training; an individual life training; minister; or counselor.  Get an accountability partner.

Tip 2:  A tap B

After you look at your behaviors, talk to your mate about implementing the A tap B process in your relationship.  David and I did this when we got back together for a long time and still do sometimes when it is something that is really important.  We used a stuffed ‘elephant’ to let the other know we wanted to talk.  We kept it in the office and when one of us needed to talk, we put it out on the dining table (now we put it out in the master closet and sit in the closet talking for more intimacy).  When the elephant was out, the other knew that meant that we needed to talk about something that was important to them.

Tip 3:  Happy, Sad, Glad or Mad

When we first started out with the A vs. B, we had a high failure rate because we only pulled it out when we had something the other did that made us mad or hurt.  The key is to do the A/B dyads about happy, sad, glad or mad things.  That means I had to learn how to talk AND listen about good things or days, funny things that happened, how I was hurt by someone or something other than David and how I was upset with him.  If you only talk about the mad or bad --- the other person will avoid you, avoid the elephant and tune out or control the conversation.  It’s important to remember when you talk about the mad or bad to focus on how it made you FEEL vs. the anger.  If you do that, they will hear and respond better. 

Tip 4:  Who are you?

We also learned the next most valuable piece of communicating was understanding who one another really was.  In other words what their personalities were and how they differed from our own.  For example, I love details and David hates them.  When I was talking to David we noticed I used lots of details and information because I was ASSUMING that he wanted that information.  He was communicating with me with very little details or information ASSUMING that was what I wanted.  For our relationship, that way of communicating just wasn’t working.  So he came up with more details and I came up with less.  When we were “A” sharing about our hurts or anger we kept it short (no more than a sentence or two) so that we were heard by the other.  When you go into pages or paragraphs in a dyad, they will get overwhelmed and not hear what you need them to hear.

Tip 5: What did you say?

In the beginning and for a while we also repeated back to one another what the other said to practice and teach ourselves how to power listen.  Again, a fantastic reason to keep things short and sweet – they won’t be able to repeat back to you what was so important if you raddled off a paragraph or page about it. 

HOMEWORK:

Practice the tips above with your mate (or another relationship).  Don’t forget to use the tips below for “Power Listening”

Tips for Power Listening: 

1.      Ask them if they need you to just listen or fix what they are about to share with you 

2.      Be engaging and attentive...POWER listen!

3.      Resist distractions (turn cell, TV, computer - distractions OFF)

4.      Look at them in the eyes

5.      Keep your mind open

6.      Turn off YOUR agenda

7.      Don't be thinking about what you are going to say when they finish

8.      Don't justify, defend or excuse (no "but's or however's")

9.      Practice ACTIVE forgiveness and grace

10. Be flexible  

SUGGESTION: 

Put an “X” beside all the sabotaging behaviors above that you do.  If you are doing two or more, we teach you how to communicate with your mate in our Couples Training – in fact we spend a day and half just on communication!  Check out the next available training dates on our website.  Good news, you can refresh the training as often as you want until you get it down!

Copyright © 2010 ADE & Associates, Inc..  All rights reserved

David & Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops, retreats and speaking for singles and couples on creating hope and joy in relationships.   For information or to register for their next available program contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.