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Two Horses
Just up the road from a country home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing.... Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him.
This alone is amazing. If you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to the horse's halter is a small bell. It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow.
As you stand and watch these two horses, you'll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and that the blind horse will listen for the bell and then slowly walk to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray. When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, it stops occasionally and looks back, making sure that the blind friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell. ~ Author Unknown
Our thoughts on the lesson from this story for relationships...
The lesson we can learn from these beautiful animals with our mates is to not throw one another away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. The lesson also is “shore one another up” and support our mate and even bring others into our lives to help us when we are in need. Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell and needing the support of our mate and other times we are the guide horse, who is strong and able to find our way so that we can help and ‘shore up’ our mate.
Please listen for your mates bell and it will encourage them to listen for yours.
Question for you: What are ways you can shore up your mate? What are ways they can shore up you?
NOTE: If you don't know what to do to "shore up" or encourage your mate, our couples training teaches you and your mate exactly what they need for encouragement and how to shore one another up. Check the calendar on our website for our next training available to the public.
1. Ask your mate... “What can we do to improve our relationship?”
2. Then ask... “What types of intimacy would you like to experience at a deeper level?” (share with one another and honor your mates answers because they may be different from yours!)
● Emotional ● Physical ● Recreational ● Spiritual ● Social ● Intellectual
Now, create a “plan” together:
Discuss what steps you each think you can take as a couple? (remember what you learned from the training..."not wrong, just different"!)
1. Emotional: What do you need most from me when you are having a bad day? 2. Physical: How often would you like to have sex? 3. Recreational: What activities or sports would be fun to do? 4. Spiritual: Should we set aside a daily quiet/devotional time? What does it look like when we are having that quiet/devotional time? 5. Social: What things would you like to plan with friends? 6. Intellectual: What types of books/articles would you like to talk about? 7. ALL: How often should we have a date night? 8. ALL: How should we plan getaway weekends?
Forgiveness is not passivity, it is power. It is the ability to withstand the temptation to dwell on or bring up hurts & history that are literally chains keeping you & your relationship in prison. - First you WILL it...
- Then you'll start to feel it.
- You start it today...
- Confirm it tomorrow.
- And, keep confirming it by faith...
- Until you walk it by sight.
Forgiveness is critical with your mate. "Active Forgiveness" provides peace, patience, kindness, joy, hope, forgiveness, honesty, trust, safety, intimacy & respect in a relationship. If you don’t know how or you need help in remembering learn how to give forgiveness in our next training. Amy teaches a powerful way of how she was able to forgive me in our couples training. For info on our next training date go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
When overwhelming stress and change comes that can distract or destroy a relationship...and unfortunately, it will -- it takes sheer determination to get through it with the goal that those changes will make you stronger and create something bigger and better! It takes an attitude that no matter what, as a couple we are going to win this battle. That we are going to go through this united and we are going to overcome it...TOGETHER! You win in a relationship when you get rid of the excuses & decide to be on each other’s team period. When you let NOTHING divide you. When you make the decision you are on the side team playing doubles and not singles in a tennis match, as a friend of mine once said. “It is in the quiet crucible of your personal private sufferings that your noblest dreams are born and God’s greatest gifts are given in compensation for what you’ve been through.” ~ Wintley Phipps
Learn tools that will help you 'divorce-proof' your relationship at our training. Check our website for the next training date @ www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
- Show affection to her – hold my hand, hug me in public or just sitting on the sofa, stroke my hair, rub my back, hold me
- Show affection without having sexual intentions
- Share your feelings with her
- Tell her about your day and challenges
- Ask her about her day and challenges WITHOUT fixing them
- Talk to her without harshness, guardedness or grunting
- Talk with her while not looking at the newspaper, computer, text messages or TV
- POWER Listen to her
- Be a gentlemen…open the doors, let her go first through a door, open the car door for her first, etc.
- Tell her how much you appreciate what she does in your relationship and for the family
- Admit when you are wrong and sincerely apologize (use the apology process we taught you in the training)
- Be the spiritual leader in our home (Men...this is the #1 most requested thing from believers and non-believers (women) in our couples training and with couples we coach)
- Don’t look at or comment about other women…including on the internet, walking down the street, in the restaurant
- Wear your wedding ring to show you are “taken”
- Don’t bring up the “D” word (Divorce) or anything that sounds like it EVER
- Verbally support & honor her in front of others -- even when she isn't around
- Praise her for what she does
- Ask for and value her opinion
- Talk with her in a LOVING tone
- Tell her you love her
- When trying to resolve problems do 3 things: Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly.
- When she is talking ASK her if she just needs you to listen or fix it.
Homework idea: These are some of our suggestions. Have your mate tell you their top 5 on this list! To learn what your mate needs to feel loved check our website for the next training date @ www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
- Tell him “thank you” for going to work, protecting & providing for you (and the family)
- Don’t complain about the finances, his job or having to work
- Cheer his successes whether in business, dreams, a sport or hobby
- Praise his good decisions and support him in the poor ones
- Don’t continually "have a better idea"
- Talk to him in a LOVING tone
- Laugh at his jokes
- Compliment & honor him in front of others
- Disagree with him in private
- Let him do tasks his own way
- Ask him for his opinion & try to fulfill his suggestion
- Tell him you like him
- In problems, do 3 things: Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly.
- Let him fix things & applaud his solutions
- Thank him for his advice & knowledge
- Do things with him or watch him do them (I don't like to fish. I do go from time to time without complaining or nagging and hang out with David when he fishes -- he likes that!)
- Initiate sex with him
- Respond to his playfulness more often
- Support his decisions
- Don’t say the words, "I told you so"
- Encourage him to talk about his dreams (LISTEN without being critical of them!)
Homework idea: These are some of our suggestions, have your mate tell you the top 5 are for him. To learn what your mate needs to feel respected check our website for the next training date @ www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
• Talk w/them about realistic/unrealistic expectations (w/safety, like we taught you in our training)
• Shut OFF electronics & distractions & do what they want to do.
• Apologize when you do/say something that hurt/dishonored them (don’t forget the one you learned in our training)
• Discuss your hopes and dreams as a couple & then make plans to achieve them
• Work on understanding your mate’s point of view more than your own
• Accept your mate and their ideas for who they are – most likely they did that when you got married!
• INSPIRE change by changing how YOU act and react to your mate (and kids!)
• Initiate loving and respectful things for them (You can start with the “Love is a Verb” tool that we taught you in our training!)
• Appreciate your mate by saying “Thank You so much for...”, "I appreciate you doing that for me", "I can't tell you how much it means to me when you..."
• Exercise being quiet by power listening to your mate when they speak...even when you don't agree with them!
• ASK your mate if they want your opinion before giving it
• Do not demand your own way – be flexible in your ideas, thoughts, feelings
• Love always starts when you wake up in the morning with your actions, reactions and words
• If you are having a bad day, reassure your mate it isn't about them.
• Stop keeping “Score” of what your mate doesn't do for you instead start thinking about all the things you can do for them!
• Keep it short when you are talking with your mate…when you talk without taking a breath they don’t hear what’s important to you!
• Resolve an issue EVEN when it’s hard (use the tools we teach in our training!).
Check our website for the next training date @ www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
● Stop any of YOUR hurtful words, actions & reactions
● Don't talk when hungry, stressed, angry, tired or lonely (Remember when we talked about "Low Resources" in the training?)
● Encourage your mate with the little things...it will encourage them to do little & big things for you!
● Be quick to say you're sorry (Use the apology process we taught you)
● Say what you mean, but don't say it meanly!
● Honor your mate with your words, tone, looks, etc.
● Use their love language (What DOT are they from the training?)
Learn your mates "Love Language" at our next training. For info go to: www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
The distractions in our lives like finances, kids, jobs, moving, family drama and anything that can cause stress can erupt our sabotaging behaviors and keep us from staying focused on creating intimacy & respect in our relationship. Our commitment to change often last as long as we can see results, so one way to stay on task is by learning how to only focus on OUR own emotion & behaviors...not our mates. What homework do you need to give yourself that helps you focus on your actions and reactions?
For those who have attended our couples training the perfect tool for that is the 30-day homework on “Forgive, Serve, Persevere, Protect, Honor & Rekindle”. If you need another copy email us. If you just don't know where to start, register for our next training at: www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
- What's wrong with you?
- I wish you were more like ____________ (your mother/father or my mother/father, etc.)
- All you ever do is complain
- I can never please you
- You always do...
- You always say...
- You always do/say that wrong
- ANYTHING disrespectful or unloving!
- I can fix that for you if you'll just let me
- Hurry up and...
- We are always waiting on you to ...
- Jealousy or mistrusting statements
- I wish we'd never met
- I hate you
- Nagging, Pouting, Critical statements (or actions)
- NEVER be unwilling to apologize! (remember the apology process we teach in the training)
- I don't know if I even love you
- My dad/mom was right about you
- What did you expect?
- You got what you deserve
- You're lazy (stupid, crazy, an idiot…)
- You're irresponsible
- You're impossible
- I don't why I put up with you;
- I’m leaving;
- I’m out of here;
- I’m not doing this anymore
- Any other “D” word phrases!
- You never do/say __________
- You always do/say _________
- You sound/act just like your mother/father!
- Abusive words of ANY kind!
- I blame you for that
Remember when you first got together? You just couldn't get enough time with one another. Re-create boundaries by reserving time for your mate & not giving in to the distractions of life. That may mean - Turning down a committee you'd love to serve on;
- Stop coaching a little league team;
- Missing out on a night out with the girls or guys;
- Spend less time on a hobby;
- Pushing away from your computer, TV, texting or iphone;
- Stop going to the gym that extra hour or day;
- Less shopping with your friends;
- Not playing fantasy football or a video game;
- Not let our kids talk us into something we really don't HAVE to do.
It may mean that you have to start turning down the good, great and fun ... or even time-wasters that choke out intimacy with our mate. So what are some other time-wasters that can get in the way of creating intimacy with your mate? If you don't know how to create this type of intimacy with your mate or you just can't seem to get your mate to understand how important it is to you, come to our next couples training. For info go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.
"When we marry, we want to find the right person, but we rarely think about being the right person." ~ Emerson Eggerichs
Do you want to learn how to become the right person for your mate? Regardless of where you are in your relationship the tips & tools you will learn in our couples training will help you create communication tools & skills, identify what is sabotaging your relationship AND teach you how to stop it as well as help you break free from the prison of baggage & unforgiveness. It will help you learn what the "right person" is for your mate! Check our website for the next training dates @ www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
• I'm so proud of you
• If I had to do it all over, I'd marry you again
• I missed you today
• I've been thinking about you all day
• I'm so lucky to have married a man like you
• What can I do for you today?
• You are so strong
• Thank you for working so hard for our family
• The best part of my day is when you come home
• Great job. I respect you so much!
Learn what YOUR mate longs to hear you say at our next training. For info: www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
- Don't talk about things if either of you are tired, sick, or angry, stressed,
- Talk without name calling or attacking your mate
- Explain yourself, without defending, justifying or excusing yourself
- Listen more than you speak
- Value what you hear from your mate.
- Don’t talk about the past (remember the ‘bucket’ from our training!)
- Stick to the issue that caused the conflict
- If it gets heated, use the “code” word you learned in our training
- Are you running a tape?..."Who or What does this remind me of?"
- Refrain from judging your mate's motives or issue
- Use the ‘elephant’ we taught you to use to have a voice ... remember whoever put out the elephant is "A"
- Use the A vs. B dyads to help you listen and avoid arguing
- Avoid saying 'you always' and 'you never'
- NO abuse of any kind (physical, emotional, verbal, etc)
Do you struggle resolving conflict? Do you struggle with having a voice? Do you struggle with your mate understanding what you are saying? If so, our training is perfect for helping you with each of these issues. For info, dates, costs, testimonies and to register go to: www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com or contact us at 800.229.9252
Statistics tell us that many couples are so "in love" when they get engaged and married that they don't realize that the level of emotions will die down like the flames in a fireplace. Sound like it would never happen to you? It does with 38.2 divorces per hour of every hour in a business day in Texas alone. Although we don’t feel like it at the time, constant work is required to keep the blaze of emotional intimacy going and some couples forget to tend these flames. They can’t believe at the time that they will get too busy; distracted; go in different directions; fall into comfort zones; life, health or finances gets stressful; or they negligent each other. When this happens, the pressures of life fall over their fire for loving and respecting one another like a wet blanket. Before you know it, all that's left are dying embers and a couple who no longer connects, loves or respects one another at all in any way. The thing we must remember is that dying embers when urgently and properly tended to can be rekindled into a blaze that yields both heat and light. Some simple steps of rekindling that fire or making sure it doesn't die out are: - Stop taking your spouse for granted…say “thank you” and appreciate what they do or say
- Initiate without keeping score or complaining, things that will make your mate happy
- Make time for romance
- Start "dating" again (trading out turns to plan for the date so one mate doesn’t have to do all the work)
- Start holding hands again
- Kiss in the kitchen
- Have FUN together (trading out turns on what each mate’s idea of fun is)
- Hug and hold your mate
- Affirm your mate with loving and respectful words in private and in public
- Take time to share and talk over dinner
- Plan a Weekend getaway (without the kids)
Don’t wait until your flame flickers and begins to die out! Start today and speak and show love and respect to your mate again with at least one of these simple steps. It often doesn't take much to rekindle the fire if the burning embers are still there. Create a great day with your mate! David & Amy Ensminger
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