This is Destroying Your Relationship(s)!

by Amy Ensminger. (Some excerpts about Pride from Rick Warren)

Conflict, Arguments, Confusion, Stress, Hurt Feelings,

Disappointment, Anger & Chaos.

There is ONE sabotaging behavior in common with all these -- pride. Particularly wounded pride. When pride is in full force, it tells us what we want to hear. It whispers in our ear and gives us little thoughts, suggestions and ideas. For instance when you're in the middle of an argument, you're angry or you're hurt - PRIDE starts whispering things in your ear like...

"You don't have to take this kind of stuff."

"I'm going to get even."

"Who do they think they are?"

"I'll show them."

"Defend yourself!"

"Don't be a door mat."

"Don't put up with this kind of stuff."

"I'll show them who's boss."

"That's it! I'm out of here."

"I can't believe they are saying/doing that."

"I want a divorce."

"I'm not taking this any more."

"How dare them say/do that to me!"

These are the type things PRIDE will not only say to you, but will make you believe they are true. I have a question. Which one 'stings' the most when you read through them? Which one's have you heard yourself say out loud or to yourself? That's your first priority is to identify your pride, then wise up to the tactics of how it acts/reacts so you can take some defensive action. Once you've identified it above, stop and ask yourself how was it sabotaging my relationship...

"How am I being prideful here?"

"What am I not willing to admit?"

"Why am I not willing to compromise?"

"What am I trying to hide?"

"What am I being stubborn about?"

"Why am I being selfish about that?"

"Why am I keeping that a secret?"

"Why am I not willing to do that?"

"Why am I only thinking of me and not the other person's needs, desires and attitudes?"

Great news -- pride is just a behavior! It is a behavior that was learned so it can be unlearned with work, discipline, dedication and accountability.

CHALLENGE:

1. Think of the last time you had an argument with your mate. How was YOUR pride involved (not your mates?)
2. Identify exactly how you were prideful and how it was sabotaging your relationship and share it with an accountability partner or buddy you can trust.
3. Now, what is something you can do different the next time -- just a SMALL step (don't try and eat the entire elephant at a time).
4. Memorize "Pride leads to conflict, be humble". Say this to yourself whenever you feel/hear yourself being prideful.
5. Now, apologize to your mate on how your pride hurt them and the relationship and ask for forgiveness.
6. If you aren't able to overcome this behavior attend our couples training, or seek a counselor or life coach.

HOMEWORK:

If you are in a pre-marital, marital or crisis relationship attend (OR refresh to deepen your understanding) our next couples training and learn the art of communication and resolving conflict. Learn how to identify & stop your sabotaging behaviors. Learn how to forgive and let go. Learn exactly what you and your mate need to feel loved & respected. Learn 50+ relationship tools & tips.

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

How to Forgive Offenses and Offenders

by Amy Ensminger

I am asked all the time how I forgave David for having an affair. Pretty sticky sentence to start out with, don't you think? Fasten your seat belt because forgiveness can be a very serious and intimate topic and one I never thought I’d be talking about at all, much less publicly. We both talk about it publicly to provide hope, just as someone did for us. Through our courage, we pay it forward to others. Just as forwarding, sharing this article on your FB or emailing it to someone in your life who has been hurt, will take courage.

Forgiveness or the lack of is an individual thing I've learned. Unforgiveness as I’ve experienced personally is in our lives through hurts from our current and past relationships, parents, kids, friends, siblings, employers, events … you name it. In our couples trainings one of the ways I share how I was able to forgive David is by sharing my own testimony of how I was an offender as well. Before you get worked up – NEITHER of us believes that my offenses justify his affair, nor do I believe it was my fault he had an affair, so let’s move on past that. One of the many tools that I use to forgive is believing in the universal word ‘sin’ that the Webster’s dictionary defines as any reprehensible or regrettable action, behavior, lapse, etc.; great fault or offense.

In my life (and in our relationship), I believe “sin is sin”, because no one is perfect. If I am not able to forgive then how can I expect others to forgive me or be hurt when they don’t? All of us, including me deserve a second chance, with boundaries and accountability, until trust is restored.

In all the couples we’ve helped who are struggling with unforgiveness there is always a few stragglers who hear what we didn’t say because they don’t like hearing it any other way than that which supports the guilt, shame, fear and anger they want to hurl on their mate. They missed our message completely about the power of grace with boundaries and accountability, until trust is restored. One interpretation is offended that we would even compare the two offenses and want to continue having their mate walk around with a dead chicken around their necks. The other heard that we said it was OK to continue having an affair and that there was nothing wrong with it because of their mate’s offenses. Each manipulates what we said to justify their actions/reactions and it breaks my heart for them and their mate because that was and is not our message, it is however, their prison that they will continue to live in until they break free of it.

If you don’t know how to give or receive forgiveness it literally sucks the air out of your relationship. It teaches those around you to be fearful, untrusting and disconnect from you emotionally, physically, spiritually and intimately. It’s not the serious offenses that we see destroy relationships; it’s the inflexibility to forgive.

CHALLENGE:
Take the dead chicken off of your mate’s neck OR renew a covenant relationship with your mate. Ask for forgiveness for both and seek how you can make amends. It will give both of you the chance to step out of the prison that you are stuck in.

HOMEWORK:
Forgiveness is a serious topic, especially if there has been a major offense. If you are not able to forgive your mate (yet), when you are in a private place, take your mates hands and THANK THEM for the times when they have shown you patience or forgiven you over the length of your relationship. THEN, share with one another about the times when you held hands when you first dated and how it felt.

SUGGESTION:
It’s simple. RUN don’t walk to our next training to learn how to give and receive forgiveness in your current and past offenses, offenders and baggage that will destroy your relationship. For info go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

Overcoming Fears in Your Relationships

by Amy Ensminger

Dan Dean talked about this topic recently and it was great! I have taken some liberties and adapted it to couples.

So often we don’t acknowledge to our mate what we “need” because of fear. Quite frankly, we are afraid our mate will reject us, our imperfections will be exposed or we will get hurt again. For all of us, there is something in our human nature that causes us to want to hide vs. being real with our mate (or any relationship). Not being real surfaces through our sabotaging behaviors (actions, reactions, emotions, thoughts) and spills right into our relationship.

Roadblocks that cause sabotaging behaviors

►Fear of Exposure. We fear that our mate will know we aren’t perfect. We are convinced and afraid they will see or hear that we make mistakes, have failures & weaknesses. We wear masks; tell lies; or cover up what is really going on. We focus on being right instead of happy. Cost to your relationship: Intimacy & Respect

►Fear of rejection. We fear that our mate will not love or accept us for what or who we are. That our mate (or someone else) will believe we aren’t good enough. We wear masks, are image driven and give the “10 o’clock news” when we share our feelings. We avoid intimacy all together. Cost to your relationship: Intimacy & Respect

►Fear of being hurt again. We stop trusting our mate and close our hearts off with them because of past hurts. We justify to them and ourselves why we have the walls that we’ve built up. We remind ourselves of all the reasons why we can’t trust them because we just won’t go through that kind of hurt or pain again. We are determined to NEVERRRRRRR let anyone do that to us again. We tell half truths, crawl in our custom made caves and hide and don’t share how we really feel with our mate. Cost to your relationship: Intimacy

The key to overcoming all these roadblocks is to be transparent, authentic and real with your mate, especially in the tough times. The worst possible thing you can do in your relationship is to hide or stuff your true feelings of – hurt; pain; feeling unworthy, unloved or not good enough. Feeling stupid or like a failure. We need to get below the anger or rage and share with them why we feel hurt and pain.

CHALLENGE: 

Every single one of us need a safe place in our relationship to fall. To create that YOU have to take the first step of being transparent and real with your mate.

HOMEWORK: 

The biggest tool David & I use for sharing our feelings and having a voice is an elephant. When one of us is happy, glad, sad or mad, we put out the elephant on the dining table. If I put out the elephant, that means I need to talk with David and his job is to listen (not defend, justify or fix what I’m talking about). When he puts out the elephant, my job is to listen as well. Remember, if just put out the elephant on the mad stuff vs. the happy, glad & sad stuff – they will avoid the elephant!

SUGGESTION: 

Learn how to use the elephant in a safe way that works - along with over 50+ tools in our next couples training . Seating is limited and available to committed & engaged couples; married couples who are stuck or want to enhance their relationship, couples who are separated or divorced and both willing to attend OR couples who have already attended our training and want to refresh the tools and training. For info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

How to Create Intimacy with a Man

by Amy Ensminger

Ladies, understanding your mate’s needs for emotional intimacy isn't just about sex. Don’t get me wrong, most men want sex. But, just as a woman’s emotional intimacy evolves around what her mates does and doesn't do & says and doesn't say, a man’s emotional intimacy is created in the same way. Good news we've made it simple for you with just four categories!

To make it even easier for you, we've fashioned it in an acronym S.U.R.E. (Sex. Understanding. Respect. Effort.)

1. Let’s start with the obvious one. Having SEX creates emotional intimacy with your husband. It’s how they connect & communicate love to you and with you. It literally is his way of keeping romance alive in your relationship. For him to connect and feel loved is for you to sometimes initiate sex. He needs you to talk with him about sex. He needs for you to respond to his playfulness and desires. And he needs for you to be consistent about how often you have sex – it is love to him. Think of it this way – if you went 1 day, 1 week, 1 month or 1 year without him loving you how connected would you want to be in the relationship? This is very important -- don’t joke, shame or disrespect him because he has sexual needs. If you are tired or don’t feel well when he wants to have sex, tell him and then reschedule with him. Remember, he gets discourage when you don’t express your sexual passion for him, he feels unwanted and unloved when you don’t.

2. It’s not all about sex though, UNDERSTANDING your mate creates emotional intimacy with your mate as well. Understanding the needs, stresses and burdens of his job. Supporting him, EVEN when he is wrong (it reminds him you are on the same “team”). Understanding and appreciating his contributions to the relationship and family. Understanding his perspective -- remember…”not wrong, just different”. And, understanding his NEED for time with his hobbies.

• Side note to the guys: Enjoying your hobby is a time for pleasure or relaxation NOT as a comfort zone to disconnect from your relationship & family.

3. RESPECTING your mate creates emotional intimacy. That means defending & supporting him with your family and friends. Honoring him in front of the kids is very important. Always disagreeing with him in private and not correcting him on the little and big details (especially in public) shows him respect. After all, who cares if it was 1:00 or 1:30 or if the color was red or blue in the story! Ladies, this is big -- NEVER EVER use the word “divorce” or “I’m out of here” or any similar words like that (It’s a line in the sand and one that sometimes can’t be undone because of its shame and feeling of failure). It’s also about YOU admitting when you are wrong and apologizing whether he does or not. Also important for showing respect is not abusing him (or anyone) in any way.

4. Making an EFFORT in your relationship creates emotional intimacy. When you make an effort to take care of how you, the kids and your home look it shows him you care about him. We all grow older but letting you, the kids and the house go doesn’t create romance at all. Making an effort is also about keeping your small and large commitments. Oh and how he loves when you make an effort to applaud and cheer his efforts & successes…big time! Making the effort to tell him “Thank You” for the little things for instance when he does something you like and even the big things like providing for you and the family. Making the effort to appreciate him and his perspective, skills, knowledge, wisdom and advice creates emotional intimacy for him. Biggest comment in our training, she asks me for my advice and then doesn’t take it. Honor his position even when you don’t agree.

CHALLENGE: 

Look at YOU and what you are and aren't doing to create emotional intimacy with your mate.

HOMEWORK: 

Pick one of the categories (S.U.R.E.) above that you need to work on. Focus this week on at least one of the areas that you need to do the most work. If you want to be brave…ask your mate which one he would like for you to focus on!

SUGGESTION:

We talk about and learn tools for what a man and a woman need for emotional intimacy in our training. If this is an area where you struggle or you want to avoid struggling in be sure attend our next training.  For info, other dates, testimonies or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.

Note to Alumni: IF you have already attended our training, but haven’t been through since we've added the SURE (for women) and 3-Ps (for men) let me encourage you to Refresh. It's powerful stuff!

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com