by Amy Ensminger
Ladies, understanding your mate’s needs for emotional intimacy isn't just about sex. Don’t get me wrong, most men want sex. But, just as a woman’s emotional intimacy evolves around what her mates does and doesn't do & says and doesn't say, a man’s emotional intimacy is created in the same way. Good news we've made it simple for you with just four categories!
To make it even easier for you, we've fashioned it in an acronym S.U.R.E. (Sex. Understanding. Respect. Effort.)
1. Let’s start with the obvious one. Having SEX creates emotional intimacy with your husband. It’s how they connect & communicate love to you and with you. It literally is his way of keeping romance alive in your relationship. For him to connect and feel loved is for you to sometimes initiate sex. He needs you to talk with him about sex. He needs for you to respond to his playfulness and desires. And he needs for you to be consistent about how often you have sex – it is love to him. Think of it this way – if you went 1 day, 1 week, 1 month or 1 year without him loving you how connected would you want to be in the relationship? This is very important -- don’t joke, shame or disrespect him because he has sexual needs. If you are tired or don’t feel well when he wants to have sex, tell him and then reschedule with him. Remember, he gets discourage when you don’t express your sexual passion for him, he feels unwanted and unloved when you don’t.
2. It’s not all about sex though, UNDERSTANDING your mate creates emotional intimacy with your mate as well. Understanding the needs, stresses and burdens of his job. Supporting him, EVEN when he is wrong (it reminds him you are on the same “team”). Understanding and appreciating his contributions to the relationship and family. Understanding his perspective -- remember…”not wrong, just different”. And, understanding his NEED for time with his hobbies.
- Side note to the guys: Enjoying your hobby is a time for pleasure or relaxation NOT as a comfort zone to disconnect from your relationship & family.
3. RESPECTING your mate creates emotional intimacy. That means defending & supporting him with your family and friends. Honoring him in front of the kids is very important. Always disagreeing with him in private and not correcting him on the little and big details (especially in public) shows him respect. After all, who cares if it was 1:00 or 1:30 or if the color was red or blue in the story! Ladies, this is big -- NEVER EVER use the word “divorce” or “I’m out of here” or any similar words like that (It’s a line in the sand and one that sometimes can’t be undone because of its shame and feeling of failure). It’s also about YOU admitting when you are wrong and apologizing whether he does or not. Also important for showing respect is not abusing him (or anyone) in any way.
4. Making an EFFORT in your relationship creates emotional intimacy. When you make an effort to take care of how you, the kids and your home look it shows him you care about him. We all grow older but letting you, the kids and the house go doesn’t create romance at all. Making an effort is also about keeping your small and large commitments. Oh and how he loves when you make an effort to applaud and cheer his efforts & successes…big time! Making the effort to tell him “Thank You” for the little things for instance when he does something you like and even the big things like providing for you and the family. Making the effort to appreciate him and his perspective, skills, knowledge, wisdom and advice creates emotional intimacy for him. Biggest comment in our training, she asks me for my advice and then doesn’t take it. Honor his position even when you don’t agree.
CHALLENGE:
Look at YOU and what you are and aren't doing to create emotional intimacy with your mate.
HOMEWORK:
Pick one of the categories (S.U.R.E.) above that you need to work on. Focus this week on at least one of the areas that you need to do the most work. If you want to be brave…ask your mate which one he would like for you to focus on!
SUGGESTION:
We talk about and learn tools for what a man and a woman need for emotional intimacy in our training. If this is an area where you struggle or you want to avoid struggling in be sure attend our next training. For info, other dates, testimonies or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.
Note to Alumni: IF you have already attended our training, but haven’t been through since we've added the SURE (for women) and 3-Ps (for men) let me encourage you to Refresh. It's powerful stuff!
About the Author
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
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