How to Forgive Offenses and Offenders

by Amy Ensminger

I am asked all the time how I forgave David for having an affair. Pretty sticky sentence to start out with, don't you think? Fasten your seat belt because forgiveness can be a very serious and intimate topic and one I never thought I’d be talking about at all, much less publicly. We both talk about it publicly to provide hope, just as someone did for us. Through our courage, we pay it forward to others. Just as forwarding, sharing this article on your FB or emailing it to someone in your life who has been hurt, will take courage.

Forgiveness or the lack of is an individual thing I've learned. Unforgiveness as I’ve experienced personally is in our lives through hurts from our current and past relationships, parents, kids, friends, siblings, employers, events … you name it. In our couples trainings one of the ways I share how I was able to forgive David is by sharing my own testimony of how I was an offender as well. Before you get worked up – NEITHER of us believes that my offenses justify his affair, nor do I believe it was my fault he had an affair, so let’s move on past that. One of the many tools that I use to forgive is believing in the universal word ‘sin’ that the Webster’s dictionary defines as any reprehensible or regrettable action, behavior, lapse, etc.; great fault or offense.

In my life (and in our relationship), I believe “sin is sin”, because no one is perfect. If I am not able to forgive then how can I expect others to forgive me or be hurt when they don’t? All of us, including me deserve a second chance, with boundaries and accountability, until trust is restored.

In all the couples we’ve helped who are struggling with unforgiveness there is always a few stragglers who hear what we didn’t say because they don’t like hearing it any other way than that which supports the guilt, shame, fear and anger they want to hurl on their mate. They missed our message completely about the power of grace with boundaries and accountability, until trust is restored. One interpretation is offended that we would even compare the two offenses and want to continue having their mate walk around with a dead chicken around their necks. The other heard that we said it was OK to continue having an affair and that there was nothing wrong with it because of their mate’s offenses. Each manipulates what we said to justify their actions/reactions and it breaks my heart for them and their mate because that was and is not our message, it is however, their prison that they will continue to live in until they break free of it.

If you don’t know how to give or receive forgiveness it literally sucks the air out of your relationship. It teaches those around you to be fearful, untrusting and disconnect from you emotionally, physically, spiritually and intimately. It’s not the serious offenses that we see destroy relationships; it’s the inflexibility to forgive.

CHALLENGE:
Take the dead chicken off of your mate’s neck OR renew a covenant relationship with your mate. Ask for forgiveness for both and seek how you can make amends. It will give both of you the chance to step out of the prison that you are stuck in.

HOMEWORK:
Forgiveness is a serious topic, especially if there has been a major offense. If you are not able to forgive your mate (yet), when you are in a private place, take your mates hands and THANK THEM for the times when they have shown you patience or forgiven you over the length of your relationship. THEN, share with one another about the times when you held hands when you first dated and how it felt.

SUGGESTION:
It’s simple. RUN don’t walk to our next training to learn how to give and receive forgiveness in your current and past offenses, offenders and baggage that will destroy your relationship. For info go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com