Valentines Day slips up on us and has for several years now. A couple of weeks ago, after seeing a commercial on Valentines Day, David and I were talking about our plans for the holiday. Nothing… we've got nothing out of the ordinary at all planned today.
I had someone ask me what we were planning. I could tell they were expecting me to tell them about this over-the-top celebration in that we teach couples how to love and respect one another for a living. So I’m sure that when I said we were doing nothing out of the ordinary, it was disappointing. So to all those who are convinced that with all we do in our marriage and other couples relationships that we’d have a blow-out Valentine’s celebration…you know, the kind of thing that makes David Letterman’s Top-10 count down....nope, we've got nothing in the works like that at all.
I have to confess, we used to make it a very special day of gifts, togetherness and VERY high expectations and stress on both sides (especially David’s) trying to meet up to the standards of all the Hallmark and 1-800-Florist commercials. Then, we began a new way of living in our relationship with daily intentional celebrations of loving one another vs just once a year.
Granted having lost one another before by our own immature behaviors plus recently nearly loosing me through my health issues tends to make an impression on the mind and heart to remember that the person in front of you is vital to your heart and may not be there one day – either by their own decision if you continue to act like a 4 yr-old all the time; or by death. So, that is how we approach every day in our relationship…truly making each day Valentine’s Day for us. It may sound hokey to you but it really is how we live each day --- perfectly and imperfectly loving one another.
Having the perfect Valentine's Day everyday comes down to a few small steps for us:
► Remembering that the other is the most important thing to our hearts on earth
► Living with daily grace for one another in our relationship (sometimes minute by minute)
► Keeping No Record of Wrong…when our daily grace falls short and we need to step into forgiveness full on
► Doing our best to treat one another like a king and queen
► Working harder to remember that minute by minute grace thing when they fall short of treating us like a king or queen
► Find the best for the moment of the 50+ tools we teach in our training’s and workshops when we are frustrated, angry or hurt by the other. (The tools we used when we were restoring our relationship vs. today are different.) Here are a few of our favs today below:
■ 7: Saying 7 when our disagreement turns to anger or resentment
■ Low Resources: Saying low resources to remind the other when we are hungry, angry, lonely, tired or stressed so we don’t get sideways with one another
■ Tone: Saying tone when the tone of their voice is offensive
■ Stuffed Elephant Dyads: Putting out a stuffed elephant to let the other know when we need to share something happy, glad, sad or mad with the other
■ Picturing them when they are 4 yrs old: When we need to remind ourselves that they are a 4-yr old broken child when they are acting out. And asking ourselves how would we treat a 4-yr old broken child? (we keep pictures of ourselves when we are 4 yrs old out to remind us)
■ Initiation Game: Initiating loving and respectful things for one another without any expectations or score-keeping
■ Apologizing when we are wrong or have hurt the other
■ Making Love a “Verb” with one another
■ When you do ___, I feel ___ … script sharing when the other has hurt our feelings.
■ Taking the “D” word and actions off the table
■ And our favorite...an important tool that is our personal choice (use your filters if you need to) which we are learning is critical to our relationship, is keeping God first in our lives and marriage and staying connected in a great grace-filled church.
You see we do have to practice what we preach. And the tools above help us do just that. Just like you, it takes changing habits, behaviors, expectations and beliefs and I have to tell you that’s a very tough thing to do and I've never met a super man or woman that can do it on their own. We had to do that by attending training’s and workshops just like the ones we invite you to attend of ours.
The picture I chose for this article helps me to show you how we live with intentional loving and respecting one another...our very own ‘sea of roses’. It’s sure better than just getting or giving roses once a year (or when you/they did something wrong). Do we have a perfect life and marriage? – heck no, no one does and if they say they do, they are not being truthful. We have to put one foot in front of the other remembering our commitment to one another, our tools and asking for help when we need it….just like you would need to do.
David left me this note which I believe puts all that I've said in a different perspective:
“To cherish each second that we have been married I would have 862,272,000 seconds to cherish. To be glad for every minute you have been in my life, I would have 14,371,200 minutes of happiness. To know you better, I would have 239,520 hours to learn. To have each day to get closer to you, I would have 9,980 days available for intimacy. Seems like a whole lot of time. While a lot of that time was not spent in building the right relationship, for the last 8 years it has been changing to something beyond wonderful. I could not imagine my life without you beside me. You are the love of my life and someone I can not live without. I hope you have the best day imaginable for each and every second, minute and hour.”
Now when David says words like that - my friend it’s like rolling in a sea of roses to me. I encourage you to speak that kind of love in your mates life and heart. Don’t knock it ‘til you've tried it!
I’m tempted to say may you have happy Valentine’s Day always, but that just sounds so small scale now that you know something better is out there everyday vs. just on Valentine's Day doesn't it? So, I’ll just say … I hope you have the best ordinary day imaginable for each and every second, minute and hour.
Copyright © 2013 ADE & Associates, Inc.. All rights reserved
David & Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops, retreats and speaking for singles and couples on creating hope and joy in their relationships. For information or to register for their next available program contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect
David & Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops, retreats and speaking for singles and couples on creating hope and joy in their relationships. For information or to register for their next available program contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect
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