When to Apologize

by Amy Ensminger

You'd think that someone wouldn't have to tell you when to apologize. In many relationships that isn't the case because it depends on the healthiness of the relationship, the emotional development (maturity) of the people involved and the issue itself that caused the need for the apology.

For instance, today in David and my relationship, 9 out of 10 times, you wouldn't have to remind either of us to apologize to the other for something. Our relationship is very healthy; we are both mature and emotionally developed in our relationship; and there aren't too many issues today that we don't see and catch before it gets to the point an apology would even be necessary because we give one another DAILY grace.

That wasn't the case at ALL in 2004. Our relationship was very unhealthy, we were both undeveloped and immature in our relationship (as individuals as well) and we used issues and events to get back at one another in our "right-fight" battles (I'm right...no, I'm right). We were definitely a candidate for someone giving us tips, suggestions, ideas and tools on when to apologize and how to apologize. We just didn't know where to start or who to turn to and didn't make the effort to get help until it was too late. If we'd know just a fraction of what we teach in our couples trainings we wouldn't have spent so much money on divorce attorneys!

Here are just a few to remember...

* When you are impatient or unkind

* When you are cruel or hard-hearted

* When you are envious or prideful

* When you are rude or selfish

* When you get angry or pout

* When damage or break something of their

* When you ignore them

* When you blame or shame

* When you are unforgiving or hold a grudge

* When your attention is on TV, cell, computer, etc vs. them

* When you are confusing

* When you demand your own way

* When you flip out an "sorry" and don't sincerely mean you apologize

* When you are irritable or touchy

* When you keep score of when they do it right or wrong

* When you don't support or protect them in private or in public

* When you don't stand up for them in private or public

* When you are not genuine or you offend them

* When you don't trust or have faith in them

* When you lie or stretch the truth (same thing by the way)

* When you quit on them or the relationship

* When you are forgetful (small and large things)

* When you are unloving or disrespectful

SUGGESTION:

Take advantage of every opportunity you can sincerely apologize because it shows them you love and respect them. If you are someone who historically does not apologize in the relationship like I was or you have become a doormat always taking the blame with your "I'm sorry's", this is a personal challenge for you to pick at least three to start with. Whether you say it too much or not at all, you will experience a tremendous change if you begin sincerely apologizing. It tells the person you respect and love them even if you don't agree with them. Oh and btw, an apology without change or correction in the behavior grows into mistrust and falls on deaf ears after until action is taken. To avoid that, learn a new positive habit/action that creates change around what you are apologizing for. AND, if you are the one that still holds a grudge after the apology - you are doing just as much damage to the relationship (and yourself) by keeping a record of wrongs.

NOTE: Did you notice that most of the things on this list apply to apologizing to most anyone in your life?

HOMEWORK:

If you don't know where to start I do. In a safe place, we will teach you how to sincerely apologize to your mate. We will teach you how to communicate and listen to your mate. We will teach you how to break free of the prison of unforgiveness. We will teach you how to create new habits for loving and respecting your mate. We will teach men how to love their mate and women how to respect their mate. We will teach you how to create intimacy in your relationship and so much more. Read more at www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com