Key Steps to Listening to Your Mate/Spouse

by Amy Ensminger

Power listening is a learned skill. That means you have to practice, practice, practice. That also means if you make a mistake in ‘listening’, you apologize to restore trust for the next time! Here are a few key items when your mate needs a voice and YOU to power listen (some items apply to all relationships as well).

1. IF you can’t talk at all when they want to, schedule another time that day to talk.

2. IF your time is limited when they want to talk, tell them how long you have to talk and schedule another time that day to talk longer.

3. IF you do either of 1 or 2 above tell them that what they have to say is important to you before you tell them how much time you have or reschedule

4. Be still and stop what you are doing and focus solely on them

5. If you are a ‘fixer’…ask them if what they want to talk about is something you need to listen to or ‘fix’.

6. Honor them by looking into their eyes when they are talking to you.

7. Connect with your mate – if they like to be touch, touch them on the arm or hold their hand. (If they don’t like to be touched as them if you can touch them)

8. Don’t be disrespectful. When they are talking, be quiet and do not interrupt.

9. Be the bigger person…If they are sharing something an offense you did - whether you did it or not…do not justify, defend or excuse your action or reaction. From their perspective you did it the behavior so acknowledge you hurt them, and then apologize.

10. If you do not understand what your mate is saying, say “I’m curious, can you tell me more about that”

11. Keep your arms and legs uncrossed so your body language says I want to hear you

12. Having a voice is important…repeat key points of what they said back to them so they know that you heard them

13. Nod your head every once in a while (not too much though!) so they feel you hear them

14. If what they had to say was hard for them, tell them thank you for trusting you and sharing them with you.

15. Be empathic. Try and put yourself in their place. It’s not a time to fix, criticize or argue.

16. Think about how you like to be treated when you need someone to hear you. Show them the same respect when you are listening to them.

HOMEWORK: 

 Ask your mate “What overwhelms you”? POWER LISTEN. Then ask, “What can I do to help”? POWER LISTEN.

SUGGESTION: 

If you don’t know how to listen or communicate with your mate, you want to learn more about how to communicate with your mate OR you and your mate always end up fighting when you talk, have I got an easy solution for you! In our couples training we teach mates how to communicate and listen to one another … in THEIR ‘love’ language. In their love language is key because you hear and speak differently than one another. Because you are two different people and sexes, you feel loved or respected by different words, actions and reactions. Be sure and sign up for our next available training. Read more at www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com or contact 800.229.9252.

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com