Boundaries in a Relationship

by Amy Ensminger

If there were ever a relationship where boundaries could get confused, it is marriage, where by design - husband and wife "become one flesh". And boundaries foster separateness and marriage has as one of its goals the giving up of separateness. What a potential state of confusion!

Boundaries like who does the checkbook, mows the lawn, cleans the house, takes out the trash are the obvious things you think of about boundaries in a relationship. The ones that we don't talk about generally are the ones that include when someone crosses a line and tries to control the others feelings, attitudes, behaviors, desires, longings, choices and values. If someone tries to control these things about another person, ultimately, the relationship will fail. That's when you can see very clearly the two types of boundary problems.

►Problem #1: Those individuals who "can't say yes or no"

►Problem #2: Those individuals who "can't hear yes or no".

NOTE: If either problem #1 or #2 is going on there can be no intimacy or respect in a relationship.

When your boundaries are crossed you will feel and respond how you normally respond to hurt or anger. Everyone is different on what their disappointment or hurt looks like based upon our childhood and relationships.

For me - it's based upon both, which in our relationship there is no way David could ever know all those boundaries that were offended and then the problem becomes that I don't communicate with him about those offenses and how they made me feel so when he crosses one I respond as if he should have read my mind! So what happens then is when David crosses a boundary or disappoints me by not keeping a commitment (that I didn't even communicate about to begin with) I get angry or shut down and crawl into my cave.

In this case, you could ask WHO was the greater offender...the one who crossed the boundary or the one who reacted in a childish behavior! My vote in this case is the second one.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe there are consequences when COMMUNICATED boundaries with choices are not honored and in each situation and relationship that is different. It would be foolish of me to assume I walked in either of your shoes and recommend to you in a blog what consequences need to be for what in your relationship.

One way to hear a boundary is to notice whether you are being given a choice. A boundary is a choice and is NOT an ultimatum. So what do some of those look like:

• Ultimatums are spoken in anger. Boundaries are truly about a respectful choice, spoken in love.
• Ultimatums come from a desire for control and force. Boundaries come from a place of power and strength.
• Ultimatums shut down options. Boundaries open up choices.
• Ultimatums stop a conversation. Boundaries start one.
• Ultimatums threaten with consequences. Boundaries offer a chance to seek a solution.
• Ultimatums are rigid. Boundaries are firm, yet resilient.
• Ultimatums often end a relationship. Boundaries invite a relationship to change.

I'm sure you will agree, it seems to me that the real difference between the two is the intent of the person speaking!

HOMEWORK:

The first recommendation I would give you is to begin the small steps of identifying the offended boundaries from YOUR childhood and past relationships and note how they made you 'feel'. Look for a pattern of how you felt and how you reacted in these offenses and see if you are still doing that. Secondly, communicate (be vulnerable) with your mate what came up for you in that exercise to begin to open up the communicate lines about respectful boundaries with choices.

SUGGESTION:

Ask yourself these questions...

• Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
• What are legitimate boundaries?
• What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
• Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
• Are boundaries selfish?
• What do I do if someone keeps disrespecting my boundary?

To learn how to communicate and establish boundaries attend our Couples Training. For more info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.

Who is the couples training for:

Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples Training is for men and women couples who are in a committed, engaged, married, separated & divorced relationship and want to create a foundation of love, respect, hope & joy in their relationship. It is also for those who have already attended the training and want to "Refresh" the training to deepen your understanding of the tools.

"My best friend and I are now husband and wife. We now have the tools for better communication and bringing down the walls between us." ~ married

About the Author

David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples.  For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com