What is the "Magic Button" to having a great relationship?

By Amy Ensminger

Every adult is reminded this time of year about the new resolutions that will suddenly change their life because they pushed a “Magic Button” on January 1st. Somehow we forget about the need for a plan, effort, discipline, compromise – just to name a few - that will come with that resolution. Sadly, very few see the resolutions through to the end because we approach the resolution with such a haphazard “Magic Button” way vs. creating a plan of how to make change. 

When David and I pushed the “Magic Button” to get back together after filing for divorce, we were quite naive about what we thought the journey of restoration would look like. We initially believed that making the decision and saying it so would make it so. The grave mistake we made was that we didn't have a plan of learning different to be different. 

Looking back that was a lot of pressure that we put on ourselves. With our relationship resolution in 2004, we fantasized that suddenly we were going to be different, get back together and be the couple we’d always longed for. Obviously we did get back together, we did become different people and we are the couple that we’d always longed for. The only word missing in my description is “suddenly”…nothing we have journeyed through in our restoration has been sudden … or easy for that matter. 

We had to make the three commitments and two decisions:

1. First Commitment: We had to commit to being patient because we’d just spent the last 19 years growing apart and tearing one another down. We had to be patient with one another AND with the process of restoring our broken relationship. 

2. Second Commitment: We had to commit to waking up every morning and asking ourselves “what is it that I can do today that would please him/her”. We call that Love is a Verb in our Couples Training and we teach the couples how to learn and do the little things that makes the other happy as well as the value of doing them. [What we’ve noticed because we teach 50+ tools is that some couples walk away from our training believing this is the ONE tool that will change their relationship. For those couples who do this every day – their ‘suddenly’ comes a lot faster to the restoration of their relationship. They tell us they have a love for their mate more than they ever have.]

3. Third Commitment: We had to commit to waking up every morning and asking ourselves “what is it that I can change about ME so I can please him/her”. Learning new ways to change was the easy part it was the applying that was the hard part, especially when we felt the other was wrong and we were right. Hence the first commitment…being patient with one another and ourselves. 

4. Decision One: Don’t quit. Even when it gets hard. Even when it felt like familiar ugly ground again living as roommates and hurting one another. Divorce, quitting or running of any kind was not allowed to be a part of our vocabulary or thoughts. Period. We’ve learned that when we didn’t give ourselves an out, we didn’t look for one when it got intense!

5. Decision Two: Get help individually and as a couple. We had proven that we couldn’t make a marriage work with one another and in a previous marriage. Our plan was to find something or someone that would help us. We opted on the individual AND couples training and still refresh each year.

CHALLENGE: 

Review any “Magic Buttons” you have with your resolutions and decisions and make sure you have create a plan to succeed to go with them.

HOMEWORK: 

With your mate, craft the commitments and decisions that you need in your relationship. To learn how to have an amazing relationship with great communication, intimacy & respect attend our next available Couples Training on January 25-27, 2013 in Irving, TX. It’s for committed, engaged, married, separated & divorced couples who are both willing to participate. 

• For info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com or 800.229.9252.

SUGGESTION:.

For couples living in the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex, join David & Amy Ensminger for a FREE monthly “Marriage by Design Couples Class” held at Heartland Church beginning January 10, 2013 from 7pm-9pm. 

• For information go to: Marriage by Design Couples Class

• To register for class go to: Couples Class or Childcare Registration

Copyright © 2006 ADE & Associates.  All rights reserved

David & Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops, retreats and speaking for singles and couples about creating hope and joy in relationships.   For information or to register for their next available program contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.