As a child, David grew up in what I like to call a “Leave it to Beaver” home. You know what I mean, the kind of home that lives behind the white picket fence where you don’t see or hear conflict to often, if at all. I grew up …well; let’s just say it wasn’t anything like that and conflict was commonplace in my world.
Despite our different upbringings, we entered into marriage 27 years ago this October with the same percep
tion: conflict should be avoided at all cost. SO, when we found ourselves annoyed, frustrated or irritated with one another we’d gain our individual control by either “withdrawing” or “fight to win” (right-fights). When that obviously didn’t work we retreated to our neutral corners and ultimately began to live as perfect roommates.
I liken the conflict that was in our relationship to the cockroaches in our first house. Because we had so many Oak trees around the house they would come out of the wood work (no pun intended), especially at night. At first, we thought if we ignored the problem, it would just go away, but then conflict and cockroaches are both hearty critters!
When the distance in our relationship reached a boiling point after 19 years of marriage, because we were the best “Great Pretenders” out there, we didn’t seek advice or help. After all we were both strong and intelligent people, and surely we can figure this out! Plus, we didn’t want anyone else to know we didn’t have it all together. If only we hadn’t let our pride get in the way, we would have learned that conflict is common in relationships and would have avoided all the pain of separating and filing for a divorce.
Disagreeing we later learned isn’t an unhealthy choice in an intimate relationship. And after getting back together the following year, we began to figure out that when we disagree, and we do disagree, we don’t have to go to our corners – or worse, become perfect roommates. Instead, we use the tools that we created (which we now teach in our Couples Training’s) to come out of the pit we were in. With practice we’ve learned using these tools constructively and respectfully does make perfect!
It’s funny, sometimes I see couples walking hand and hand and I’ll think, wow, they really must be in love. And I stop to remember, any two people can gaze into each other’s eyes on any given day. The key is can they argue constructively and respectfully? That’s how you know you have a love that will stand the test of time! And because we use our tools every time…I can say, a love like mine and David’s.
Some Healthy Rules for Fighting Fair:
• Stay Calm (Use a Code Word before it gets disrespectful or heated. We use “7”)
• Address One Conflict At a Time
• Avoid Accusations
• Don’t Generalize
• Don’t Hit Below The Belt
• Don’t Stockpile the Pain
• Commit To Resolution & Reconciliation
• Apologize & Forgive
• Enlist the Help of a Counselor, Minister or Mediator (or our Couples Training)
Tips for Fighting Fair:
1. Remember not forgiving can cause more harm to yourself and the relationship. Holding a grudge is letting someone else live in your head rent free!
2. Remember to not withdraw or fight to win.
3. Do not use words like “never” or “always”
4. Do not yell, scream or use a threatening tone.
5. Pride comes before a fall. Do not let your pride get in the way of reaching out for help or advice.
CHALLENGE:
I liken the conflict that was in our relationship to the cockroaches in our first house. Because we had so many Oak trees around the house they would come out of the wood work (no pun intended), especially at night. At first, we thought if we ignored the problem, it would just go away, but then conflict and cockroaches are both hearty critters!
When the distance in our relationship reached a boiling point after 19 years of marriage, because we were the best “Great Pretenders” out there, we didn’t seek advice or help. After all we were both strong and intelligent people, and surely we can figure this out! Plus, we didn’t want anyone else to know we didn’t have it all together. If only we hadn’t let our pride get in the way, we would have learned that conflict is common in relationships and would have avoided all the pain of separating and filing for a divorce.
Disagreeing we later learned isn’t an unhealthy choice in an intimate relationship. And after getting back together the following year, we began to figure out that when we disagree, and we do disagree, we don’t have to go to our corners – or worse, become perfect roommates. Instead, we use the tools that we created (which we now teach in our Couples Training’s) to come out of the pit we were in. With practice we’ve learned using these tools constructively and respectfully does make perfect!
It’s funny, sometimes I see couples walking hand and hand and I’ll think, wow, they really must be in love. And I stop to remember, any two people can gaze into each other’s eyes on any given day. The key is can they argue constructively and respectfully? That’s how you know you have a love that will stand the test of time! And because we use our tools every time…I can say, a love like mine and David’s.
Some Healthy Rules for Fighting Fair:
• Stay Calm (Use a Code Word before it gets disrespectful or heated. We use “7”)
• Address One Conflict At a Time
• Avoid Accusations
• Don’t Generalize
• Don’t Hit Below The Belt
• Don’t Stockpile the Pain
• Commit To Resolution & Reconciliation
• Apologize & Forgive
• Enlist the Help of a Counselor, Minister or Mediator (or our Couples Training)
Tips for Fighting Fair:
1. Remember not forgiving can cause more harm to yourself and the relationship. Holding a grudge is letting someone else live in your head rent free!
2. Remember to not withdraw or fight to win.
3. Do not use words like “never” or “always”
4. Do not yell, scream or use a threatening tone.
5. Pride comes before a fall. Do not let your pride get in the way of reaching out for help or advice.
CHALLENGE:
Learn the tools that work for David and I on Communicating (vs. withdrawing or winning); Resolving Conflict and Reconciliation at our Couples Training or our 1-Day Workshop on "Resolving Conflict". Limited seating available. For info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
About the Author
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of
Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and
1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more
information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
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