Learn How To Pick Your Battles!

When God graced Amy with life this year by miraculously surviving multiple heart attacks in 2011, it was easy for me to look back at the things that were important & unimportant in the scheme of things to our marriage.

Whether its finances, household chores, job & kid-related pressures, in-laws or health challenges, we realize the list of stressors to a relationship could fill a book. Combine those big problems with minor annoyances – snoring, unfinished to-do list, where the toothpaste is squeezed or how the toilet paper is rolled – and the average couple can find enough fuel to keep them bickering 24/7.

So the question is … just how much of your relationship do you throw away by complaining, bickering, fussing, fighting or stuffing it about something? Obviously major issues cannot & should not be avoided or stuffed, but the key is showing one another grace.

Who is responsible for giving grace in a relationship?
If you are in a relationship that is abusive, seek help. Since there is no abuse in mine it’s 100% all on me on how I react or act with Amy & vice versa. I am the one who has to GROW UP & give G-R-A-C-E whether she chooses to or not or even if she deserves it.

God forbid you were to loose your mate just as I almost lost Amy twice this past year. The goal is to have lived with many more happy memories than regrets over things that really don't matter in the big picture.

5 things that create an Arguments
•Interacting/Communicating when in low-resources (tired, hungry, angry, stressed)
•Keeping a record of your mate’s wrongs (unforgiveness)
•Expectations…they will disappoint you every time!
•Selfishness…everything isn’t ALWAYS about you.
•Hearing what you want to hear (not listening)

CHALLENGE: Look at areas in your relationship where YOU can grow up & give more grace.
HOMEWORK: When you are NOT at low resources, as a couple, create a safe “plan” on how to talk about hard things that gives more grace than bickering.

SUGGESTION: Learn more about “Low Resources”, “Power Listening”, “Safe Communicating" & "Forgiveness" at one of our trainings in 2012: January 21-22, April 14-15, July 14-15 or October 20-21. For more info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com

To talk with us, contact 800.229.9252 or info@creatingintimacyandrespect.com

Do You Have A Monkey Destroying Your Relationship?

"The Monkey's Fist" is an ancient parable, where Native tribes would catch monkeys by hollowing out coconuts, filling them with bait, then tethering them to trees to lure the monkeys. When the monkey reached into the small opening in the coconut, his hand fit, but once his fist was full of the bait, he couldn't retrieve it so the monkey was trapped.

The lesson for all of us is that the coconut was not the monkey's undoing, but rather his unwillingness to let go of the bait. A common bait for people/couples is clutching onto a behavior/habit that is unraveling their relationship. We hear a variety of reasons why they are unwilling to let go or to get help, and it never fails some months later, I read on FB or hear from them that their relationship is hanging on by a thread, they’re separating or even filing for divorce.

So why do we hang onto sabotaging behaviors?
Why do we let those behaviors trap us to the point it destroys our relationships, lives, families & faith? Generally it’s simple (& this may sting a bit) -- fear or pride. Then you add on to that fear or pride the distractions in our lives that can erupt those behaviors. When we become unwilling, stubborn, embarrassed or distraught about getting the help we need, we gripe, threaten, control, complain, become angry or sad, nag or whine.

Here are a few things to help you take the first courageous step create something different:

STEP 1: Acknowledge that you and your mate are not perfect & NEVER will be. You are like every other person & couple (including David & I) by having issues. The success & strength of people & couples are differentiated in their choices to be willing to set aside fear or pride & do something about it.

STEP 2: Determine if you long for… hope, trust, honesty, safety, peace, joy, love, respect, communication, connection, intimacy, forgiveness, happiness, & whatever else best describes that special, safe & warm place you long for in your relationship.
· If you long for these, skip to Step 4.
· If you long for safety, seek a Professional today.

STEP 3: Look at the behaviors that YOU (not your mate) do that are sabotaging, unraveling or destroying your relationship.
· If you don’t know what they are, skip to Step 4B.
· If you do know what they are go to Step 4

STEP 4: What can you do about those behaviors?

STEP 4A: Maybe you need a self-help book or CD? Or maybe you need to meet with a Professional (Mentor, Life Coach, Minister, & Counselor)? If you have behaviors that are unraveling or destroying rarely will a book or CD work. As for a Professional, if you are thinking you might need one at ALL, then you need one! (Our unique training is so effective that many Professionals refer their clients to us to jump-start sessions.)

STEP 4B: I would actually suggest you do this one first and nip it all in the bud by doing something many couples do… attend a Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples Training. There, you & your mate can safely & quickly identify your sabotaging behaviors, their “bates” & learn tools to stop them.

STEP 4C: Get involved with an accountability partner or group.

If you or your relationship is struggling right now because of sabotaging baits…behaviors, habits, actions or reactions…you're in a trap and need to release your grip. There's not a better time to let go of that bait & never has there been so many incredible resources for you – more than you could ever hold in your fists. All you have to do is just open your hands!

CHALLENGE: See Steps 1 through 3 above.

HOMEWORK: See Step 4 above.

SUGGESTION: See Step 4B & 4C above. Learn how to identify the sabotaging baits, habits, actions & reactions & learn how to create tools & skills to stop them. Register for one of our four 2012’s Couples Training at the DoubleTree @ Hilton Hotel, Irving, TX. Hurry & register before January 21-22’s class is full! For info or to register go to: www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com


To talk with us, contact 1.800.229.9252 or info@creatingintimacyandrespect.com.

Encouraging Our Mates

Two Horses

Just up the road from a country home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing.... Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him.

This alone is amazing. If you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to the horse's halter is a small bell. It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow.

As you stand and watch these two horses, you'll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and that the blind horse will listen for the bell and then slowly walk to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray. When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, it stops occasionally and looks back, making sure that the blind friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell. ~ Author Unknown

Our thoughts on the lesson from this story for relationships...

The lesson we can learn from these beautiful animals with our mates is to not throw one another away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. The lesson also is “shore one another up” and support our mate and even bring others into our lives to help us when we are in need. Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell and needing the support of our mate and other times we are the guide horse, who is strong and able to find our way so that we can help and ‘shore up’ our mate.

Please listen for your mates bell and it will encourage them to listen for yours.

Question for you: What are ways you can shore up your mate? What are ways they can shore up you?

NOTE: If you don't know what to do to "shore up" or encourage your mate, our couples training teaches you and your mate exactly what they need for encouragement and how to shore one another up. Check the calendar on our website for our next training available to the public.

Learn how to create intimacy as a couple

1. Ask your mate... “What can we do to improve our relationship?”

2. Then ask... “What types of intimacy would you like to experience at a deeper level?” (share with one another and honor your mates answers because they may be different from yours!)

● Emotional

● Physical

● Recreational

● Spiritual

● Social

● Intellectual

Now, create a “plan” together:

Discuss what steps you each think you can take as a couple? (remember what you learned from the training..."not wrong, just different"!)

1. Emotional: What do you need most from me when you are having a bad day?

2. Physical: How often would you like to have sex?

3. Recreational: What activities or sports would be fun to do?

4. Spiritual: Should we set aside a daily quiet/devotional time? What does it look like when we are having that quiet/devotional time?

5. Social: What things would you like to plan with friends?

6. Intellectual: What types of books/articles would you like to talk about?

7. ALL: How often should we have a date night?

8. ALL: How should we plan getaway weekends?

If you want to learn how to create intimacy in just a short weekend, go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com and register for October 8-9th’s training!

Forgiveness 101

Forgiveness is not passivity, it is power. It is the ability to withstand the temptation to dwell on or bring up hurts & history that are literally chains keeping you & your relationship in prison.

1. First you WILL it...
2. Then you'll start to feel it.
3. You start it today...
4. Confirm it tomorrow.
5. And, keep confirming it by faith...
6. Until you walk it by sight.

Forgiveness is critical with your mate. "Active Forgiveness" provides peace, patience, kindness, joy, hope, forgiveness, honesty, trust, safety, intimacy & respect in a relationship.

If you don’t know how or you need help in remembering learn how to give forgiveness in our next training. Amy teaches a powerful way of how she was able to forgive me in our couples training. For info on our next training date go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com

How to "Divorce-Proof" your Relationship

When overwhelming stress and change comes that can distract or destroy a relationship...and unfortunately, it will -- it takes sheer determination to get through it with the goal that those changes will make you stronger and create something bigger and better!

It takes an attitude that no matter what, as a couple we are going to win this battle. That we are going to go through this united and we are going to overcome it...TOGETHER! You win in a relationship when you get rid of the excuses & decide to be on each other’s team period. When you let NOTHING divide you. When you make the decision you are on the side team playing doubles and not singles in a tennis match, as a friend of mine once said.

“It is in the quiet crucible of your personal private sufferings that your noblest dreams are born and God’s greatest gifts are given in compensation for what you’ve been through.” ~ Wintley Phipps

Learn tools that will help you 'divorce-proof' your relationship at our training. Check our website for the next training date @ www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com

Ways to show LOVE to your Mate

• Show affection to her – hold my hand, hug me in public or just sitting on the sofa, stroke my hair, rub my back, hold me
• Show affection without having sexual intentions
• Share your feelings with her
• Tell her about your day and challenges
• Ask her about her day and challenges WITHOUT fixing them
• Talk to her without harshness, guardedness or grunting
• Talk with her while not looking at the newspaper, computer, text messages or TV
• POWER Listen to her
• Be a gentlemen…open the doors, let her go first through a door, open the car door for her first, etc.
• Tell her how much you appreciate what she does in your relationship and for the family
• Admit when you are wrong and sincerely apologize (use the apology process we taught you in the training)
• Be the spiritual leader in our home (Men...this is the #1 most requested thing from believers and non-believers (women) in our couples training and with couples we coach)
• Don’t look at or comment about other women…including on the internet, walking down the street, in the restaurant
• Wear your wedding ring to show you are “taken”
• Don’t bring up the “D” word (Divorce) or anything that sounds like it EVER
• Verbally support & honor her in front of others -- even when she isn't around
• Praise her for what she does
• Ask for and value her opinion
• Talk with her in a LOVING tone
• Tell her you love her
• When trying to resolve problems do 3 things: Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly.
• When she is talking ASK her if she just needs you to listen or fix it.

Homework idea: These are some of our suggestions. Have your mate tell you their top 5 on this list!

To learn what your mate needs to feel loved check our website for the next training date @ www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com