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by Amy Ensminger
Communication is one of the biggest issues in relationships. If you are in any relationship right now where the communication is bad, it didn’t start over night because communication issues and styles are created over time and over years. It helps to understand how YOU (let’s not focus on anyone but you right now!) communicate and listen.
1. If you are
intent on giving and hearing only your opinion or thoughts expressed and no one else it destroys the opportunity for someone else to have a voice. This approach creates a relationship of ‘authority’ vs. intimacy based on disrespect, fear and anger from the other person. This is an indication that you are driven from fear of being taken advantage of or maybe feeling like a failure
2. If you are intent on being and hearing you and what you are doing is right it destroys the other person’s love for you. This approach creates a relationship of avoidance and resentment of you. This is an indication that you are driven from a fear of being wrong or maybe feeling stupid.
3. If you are intent on being the listener only and stuffing your own voice (while complaining to yourself how you don’t have a voice) it prevents the relationship from growing. This approach creates resentment and loneliness because they really do want to hear your voice. (Unfortunately, when you finally speak out it generally comes out sideways with an angry tone.) This is an indication that you are driven from a fear of conflict or maybe feeling unworthy.
4. If you are intent on talking and chattering without taking a breath all the time and the topic is always about “me, me and more me” it destroys communication because it doesn’t allow the other person a opportunity to participate in the conversation. This approach creates a ‘tuning-out’ issue (disconnection) in the relationship because they want to avoid the non-stop, 10-hour me-a-thon’s! This is an indication that you are driven from a fear of being left out or maybe feeling unloved.
Brace yourself for this newsflash…ALL of these approaches are selfish and needy and driven from YOUR fear. So ask yourself, what am I afraid of? How often is my attention elsewhere when my mate is talking? What am I focusing on? How am I acting or reacting? Here are a few tips:
•Notice what you are focusing on when they are talking.
•Do you hear that “fear” I talked about above? Notice if there are any feelings or thoughts of feeling disrespected or stupid; feeling anxious or wounded; thoughts of wanting to say “me too” go through your head from the very beginning of the conversation? If so, first realize that is about YOUR fear and remind yourself that ‘you both are on the same side in the tennis match’ (as Mark Rogers would say) so you can hear them.
•Ask yourself…how can I be more present for him/her? What do they need to see, hear, feel and touch right now so that they feel heard … and safe with me while their talking.
•As they speak…focus on the sound of THEIR voice (not the one in your head). Notice their tone, pace, volume, perception and true meaning.
•Look at them in the eye at all times with an open body. Uncross your arms, legs and never roll your eyes, grunt or sigh.
•Listen when they speak which means – DO NOT SPEAK when they are talking, which includes speaking in your head as well!
•Stop what you are doing – put down the phone or computer, stop reading, watching TV or focusing with the kids.
•As a couple, when you listen, let your favorite memory of the two of you talking together flood your mind and heart (if it hasn’t been recent, remember when you first met how you could talk with them for hours)
•If you are on the phone when they are talking, close your eyes and picture them
•If they are angry, picture them as a 4 year wounded child literally in your mind. How would you talk with, answer, respond to a 4 year wounded child? Respond to them in that way so it creates safety and so that you don’t react in fear yourself.
•Be respectful with your response. Acknowledge what they say – “Thank you for telling me that” or “I can see that is important to you, thank you for telling me”. If you don’t agree with them simply say “Thank you for telling me that, I promise to think about it”
•As a couple purchase a small stuffed elephant. Put it out somewhere when you need to talk about something happy, glad, sad or mad (not always mad or they’ll avoid the elephant). It’s also great to use indicate who is speaker and the listener.
•Keep your conversation intentional. Don’t spend hours talking about something. You wear folks out and most people’s attention span of hearing what you are needing them hear is very short!
•Be courteous...When you are wrong say 'I'm sorry' and be grateful by saying 'thank you'.
HOMEWORK:
No matter where you are in your relationship don’t risk sabotaging it by lack of knowledge or pride. Take the guesswork out of your relationship by learning how to communicate and be heard as well as learning what your mate needs from you so they can communicate and feel heard by attending our Couples Training. For more information or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of
Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and
1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more
information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
by Amy Ensminger
• Be patient to your mate
• Be kind to your mate
• Be loving to your mate
• Don’t be envious of your mate
• Don’t be rude with your mate
• Don’t be selfish with your mate
• Don’t fly off the handle with your mate
• Protect your mate
• Trust your mate
• Be hopeful in your relationship
• Pursue your mate
• Don’t quit or run in your relationship
• Honor your commitment of loving your mate…“till death do us part”
HOMEWORK:
Use this as a checklist and see how many things you can check off as things you do or practice on a regular basis. On those things you are unable to check off, consider trying one of them each week and then observe the changes in your relationship!
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of
Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and
1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more
information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
by Amy Ensminger
■ When either of you are leaving for work or starting a project
■ When either of you are solving issues with your kids
■ In front of others (resolving conflict in front of kids is good from time to time if it is done in a healthy way. It allows them to see how it’s done!)
■ When either of you have just gotten home and stepped into the door
■ When either of you are at low resources (HALTS: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Sick or
Stressed)
■ Just before you go to sleep
■ Before during intimacy or sex
■ On the way to church
Of course there are other times when you KNOW that it’s not appropriate because of the situation and that is the time to use compassion and grace and wait until the timing is better. If you don’t have the first clue on how to resolve conflict in a healthy way either because it is a new relationship, or you never learned how in your marriage or maybe your relationship is struggling, in our 2.5 day Couples Training we teach couples simple tools on how to communicate their needs and desires, resolve conflict and set boundaries in our Couples Training. For info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of
Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and
1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more
information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
 by Amy Ensminger
1. Talk about your needs vs. desires
2. Implement “behavior change request” with “consequences”
3. Learn how to compromise
4. STOP unrealistic expectations (See # 1)
5. Understand the difference between hoping, demanding & asking for something
6. Remember no one can read your mind – if you didn't talk about your needs & desires, you can’t expect it (See # 1)
7. Learn the art of contentment & joy
8. Be accepting of others and situations (See # 7)
9. Be emotionally present with your mate & others
10. Engage in conversations
11. Be approachable & accessible to your mate & others
12. Keep your word: Make sure your mate & others can count on you
13. Check yourself: In this situation, are you being too critical or judgmental?
(For #1 through #13 you learn more information & tools by attending our Couples Training)
SUGGESTION & HOMEWORK:
The simple rule of minimizing disappointment is to be responsible and accountable to one person…that’s YOU and your expectations and behaviors that cause disappointments! The above is a great way to minimize disappointment in your relationship if you and your mate follow these basic guidelines! The absolute best thing that I know of that you and your mate can do if you struggle with disappointments, unrealistic expectations OR you want to know how to avoid this pitfall in your relationship is to attend our next Couples Training on October 19-21, 2012. It's the perfect fast-track to success in creating hope and joy in your relationship. Don’t wait; reserve your seats today by registering at www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com!
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
by Amy Ensminger
David has a job that he wakes up early to go to. Each day he has a plan for his business, calculates his revenues and expenses. He meets with consultants, clients, peers and his employer. He works hard to sell his product to consumers and contractors. He works hard, makes sacrifices and pours himself into his job because he is determined to make it succeed.
And does he merely sit back, relax and enjoy the fruit of hi
s labor? No! He works harder, while coming up with new ideas for improving sales, bettering customer relationship and increasing profits for his company. And if he didn't, his employer would fire him or his job would become passionless and a bore for him.
That’s the same for a relationship. If the love affair we have today is to last a lifetime, it requires the same level of devotion and energy from both David and me. Both of us have to give 100%. We each must be available to the other when needed, fully present, ready to listen, to talk, and to act. Both of us must pour our heart and soul in it, making whatever sacrifice necessary to ensure its success.
The payoff…our relationship is a rich, healthy, loving and respectful relationship that I have no doubt will last a lifetime. I have to say, we both are sowing into our relationship and reaping countless rewards because of it. Sound good? No, it isn't good...it's great because we both devote our time and energy to one another and our marriage and we put one another above work, children, family, friends, sports and hobbies...well everything (except God). What about you? What are you sowing in your relationship? What are you reaping in your relationship? What do you put as a priority above your mate?
CHALLENGE:
Remember this…“Whoever sows generously will also reap generously.” What can you do right now, this very minute to sow into your mate and relationship? What do you need to prioritize differently so your relationship becomes more rich and healthy? So that you have a love affair among all love affairs!
HOMEWORK:
Do you want a love affair that last a lifetime? You only get out of a relationship what you put into it. If you struggle making your relationship a priority or communicating, resolving conflict, understanding boundaries, forgiveness, respect, intimacy, eliminating relationship destructive behaviors and more I have a solution for you. Give your mate the gift of creating intimacy and respect in your relationship to a level you never thought possible by attending our next Couples Training. For info or to register contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
I don't often share on our blog other authors articles. I just loved this one so much because I used to work 90 hours a week and come home with nothing left for my husband or family. Although it is written from a man for men, it DEFINITELY applies to men and women both who struggle with the balance between work and family.
Enjoy,
Amy Ensminger
The below article is written by Justin Davis For the first ten years of our marriage, I had a reoccurring feeling. Sometimes the feeling was prompted by an argument between Trish and myself. Sometimes it was simply a comment that she made. Sometimes, if I’m honest, this feeling come from deep inside my heart, because I knew the
re was truth in it.
The feeling: I was a success at work- but not at home.
At work, I had no problem hitting objectives. I had no problem leading. I felt capable and qualified. I not only knew what was expected of me, I often exceeded what was expected of me.
At home, I felt what I did wasn’t enough. I wasn’t capable. I wasn’t qualified. I wasn’t successful. No matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough. This feeling was Trisha’s fault. She made me feel this way. She caused me to feel guilty. She had unrealistic expectations. That is how I felt.
Things shifted for me in November 2005.
I was working at P.F. Chang’s as a server. One night as I was closing my section, a table of several high school students had come in for dinner after their school dance. They were loud, rude, made a huge mess and hung out so long that I was one of the last servers to leave. After they left, I was on my hands and knees under their table sweeping up rice and crushed up fortune cookies with my hands into a dust pan. I stood up and looked on the table, and they had left me a $5 tip! I thought, “I am busting my butt cleaning up after these kids who could care less about me…when is the last time I have done this at home?”
In that moment it hit me: I am successful at work and not at home because I give to my work what I am not willing to give at home.
Most guys I know struggle with this. Here are few things we do at work that we don’t do at home.
1. We set goals.
We have no problem setting sales goals; we set performance objectives; we dream about where our career will be a year from now. Yet when it comes to our marriage we often fail to set goals. We have no objectives. We stop dreaming. Setting goals at home is essential to success at home.
2. We give over and above what is required.
We work overtime. We stay late. We go in early. We return email from our phone. We take calls to close the deal at dinner. We cut vacations short. We miss our kids’ games. We do this not always to make more money; but often to simply feel a sense of accomplishment. At home we are okay to give the minimum requirement. We do our share. We pull our weight. We check off our list. But no more. Success at home is found in going over and above what is required…not out of obligation but out of love.
3. We are willing to collaborate.
When Trish and I were separated, I became aware of how willing I was to listen to any other person’s idea, and yet so quick to shoot her ideas down. I collaborated with others easily, but often demanded my ideas with my wife. Teamwork is as much a part of a successful marriage as it is a successful career.
Often the marriage we desire isn't a matter of a major overhaul but a change in perspective. It isn't about changing a ton of big things, it is making minor adjustments.
Maybe what makes you successful at work are the same things that will also help you be successful at home.
About the Authors
Justin and Trisha Davis are bloggers, authors, and teachers in Nashville, TN where they reside with their three boys. Justin is currently campus and teaching pastor of Cross Point Community Church–recently named the 4th fastest growing church in the country. He is also co-founder of RefineUs Ministries.
by Amy Ensminger
My best girl friend (BFF for those under 30) for almost 30
years is Jaye Newman. I love her dearly
and would do anything for her and I know she’d do the same for me. We don’t always see things the same, agree,
dress the same and have very different personalities. However, I can say that I respect her opinion
and she respects mine when it comes down to it.
If you’ll notice her ‘title’ is qualified…she is my best GIRL friend
because my BEST FRIEND is David. I love him dearly and we are of one
spirit. Although it wasn't always that
way, he is definitely my “soul mate”.
I believe that’s the strength of a great marriage. You and your mate can and should be best of
friends and soul mates. Although in the first 19 years of our marriage I
wouldn’t have called David and I soul mates; I can say that the last 8 years of
our marriage we have been. I learned
that being soul mates isn’t that difficult once you understand what being a
best friend with your mate is really about.
In the beginning of learning how to be David’s soul mate, since I
had/have great love and respect for Jaye, I would ask myself – now would I
say/do that with Jaye? (And when my patience wears thin today, I still ask
myself that) Having that genuine friendship with her made a clearer measuring
stick of what respect, love, transparency and intimacy look like. I simply took
one day at a time, following the example of the great friendship I have with
Jaye and with each step I took it became much easier!
David and I had to learn how to do this and for me since I
was and can be a big ‘ole head case, it didn't come naturally. It was SO tempting to want to pick up beliefs,
comfort zones as well as pains and hurts from the past. We had to learn to nurture
the friendship component of our marriage by doing what best friends do:
- talking,
- having fun together,
- treating each
other well,
- helping one another,
- standing up for each other,
- encouraging one
another,
- being patient and compassionate with one another,
- trust and honor one
another,
- being respectful of them with others,
- being kind to one another,
- listening to one another and
- forgiving one another
– you know the things you
already do with your best friend or maybe even a total stranger! Today, we have cemented our friendship with a
solemn vow and taken the sacred covenant of marriage very seriously. I've got to tell you, I recommend highly
being best friends and soul mates with your mate (for life) --- it’s the
coolest thing!
SUGGESTION:
The next chance you get, take your mate by the hand and say “You know you really are my closet friend in
the whole world.” Tell them why they
are your closet friends and express how much your friendship means to you. And once in a while, on no particular
occasion, surprise your mate with a gift to celebrate and commemorate your
friendship…not a gift that you’d buy for you, but one for them that THEY will
enjoy. Take the time and honor your
friendship.
NOTE: If you need a great book to
start finding out more about your best friend, let me recommend “Love Talk Starters” by Dr. Les &
Leslie Parrott. Start with the one’s
that are gentle with your relationship in the beginning then when you both are
ready go to the harder ones.
HOMEWORK:
If you don’t know where to start in becoming soul
mates let me suggest you learn how to communicate with one another on a very
intimate level that will allow you to create hope and joy in an authentic
way. Give your best friend to be the
greatest gift you can by giving them…”Creating Intimacy & Respect Couples
Training”.
About the Author
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
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