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by Amy Ensminger
● "What's wrong with you?"
● "I wish you were more like ____________"
● "All you ever do is complain
● "I can never please you"
● "What did you expect?"
● "You got what you deserve"
● "You're lazy (stupid, crazy, an idiot…)"
● "You're irresponsible"
● "You're impossible"
● "I don't why I put up with you"; "I’m leaving"; "I’m out of here"; "I’m not doing this anymore"…or any other “D” word phrases!
● "You NEVER do/say __________"
● "You always do/say __________"
● "You sound/act just like your mother/father!"
Remaining available 2013 Couples Training: April 26-28, July 26-28 or October 25-27. For more information, testimonies, cost and locations go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com or contact 800.229.9252
Copyright © 2010 ADE & Associates, Inc.. All rights reserved
David &
Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating Intimacy
& Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops, retreats and
speaking for singles and couples on creating hope and joy in relationships.
For information or to register for their next available program contact
800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.
By Amy Ensminger
Valentines Day slips up on us and has for several years now. A couple of weeks ago, after seeing a commercial on Valentines Day, David and I were talking about our plans for the holiday. Nothing… we've got nothing out of the ordinary at all planned today.
I had someone ask me what we were planning. I could tell they were expecting me to tell them about this over-the-top celebration in that we teach couples how to love and respect one another for a living. So I’m sure that when I said we were doing nothing out of the ordinary, it was disappointing. So to all those who are convinced that with all we do in our marriage and other couples relationships that we’d have a blow-out Valentine’s celebration…you know, the kind of thing that makes David Letterman’s Top-10 count down....nope, we've got nothing in the works like that at all.
I have to confess, we used to make it a very special day of gifts, togetherness and VERY high expectations and stress on both sides (especially David’s) trying to meet up to the standards of all the Hallmark and 1-800-Florist commercials. Then, we began a new way of living in our relationship with daily intentional celebrations of loving one another vs just once a year.
Granted having lost one another before by our own immature behaviors plus recently nearly loosing me through my health issues tends to make an impression on the mind and heart to remember that the person in front of you is vital to your heart and may not be there one day – either by their own decision if you continue to act like a 4 yr-old all the time; or by death. So, that is how we approach every day in our relationship…truly making each day Valentine’s Day for us. It may sound hokey to you but it really is how we live each day --- perfectly and imperfectly loving one another.
Having the perfect Valentine's Day everyday comes down to a few small steps for us:
► Remembering that the other is the most important thing to our hearts on earth
► Living with daily grace for one another in our relationship (sometimes minute by minute)
► Keeping No Record of Wrong…when our daily grace falls short and we need to step into forgiveness full on
► Doing our best to treat one another like a king and queen
► Working harder to remember that minute by minute grace thing when they fall short of treating us like a king or queen
► Find the best for the moment of the 50+ tools we teach in our training’s and workshops when we are frustrated, angry or hurt by the other. (The tools we used when we were restoring our relationship vs. today are different.) Here are a few of our favs today below:
■ 7: Saying 7 when our disagreement turns to anger or resentment
■ Low Resources: Saying low resources to remind the other when we are hungry, angry, lonely, tired or stressed so we don’t get sideways with one another
■ Tone: Saying tone when the tone of their voice is offensive
■ Stuffed Elephant Dyads: Putting out a stuffed elephant to let the other know when we need to share something happy, glad, sad or mad with the other
■ Picturing them when they are 4 yrs old: When we need to remind ourselves that they are a 4-yr old broken child when they are acting out. And asking ourselves how would we treat a 4-yr old broken child? (we keep pictures of ourselves when we are 4 yrs old out to remind us)
■ Initiation Game: Initiating loving and respectful things for one another without any expectations or score-keeping
■ Apologizing when we are wrong or have hurt the other
■ Making Love a “Verb” with one another
■ When you do ___, I feel ___ … script sharing when the other has hurt our feelings.
■ Taking the “D” word and actions off the table
■ And our favorite...an important tool that is our personal choice (use your filters if you need to) which we are learning is critical to our relationship, is keeping God first in our lives and marriage and staying connected in a great grace-filled church.
You see we do have to practice what we preach. And the tools above help us do just that. Just like you, it takes changing habits, behaviors, expectations and beliefs and I have to tell you that’s a very tough thing to do and I've never met a super man or woman that can do it on their own. We had to do that by attending training’s and workshops just like the ones we invite you to attend of ours.
The picture I chose for this article helps me to show you how we live with intentional loving and respecting one another...our very own ‘sea of roses’. It’s sure better than just getting or giving roses once a year (or when you/they did something wrong). Do we have a perfect life and marriage? – heck no, no one does and if they say they do, they are not being truthful. We have to put one foot in front of the other remembering our commitment to one another, our tools and asking for help when we need it….just like you would need to do.
David left me this note which I believe puts all that I've said in a different perspective:
“To cherish each second that we have been married I would have 862,272,000 seconds to cherish. To be glad for every minute you have been in my life, I would have 14,371,200 minutes of happiness. To know you better, I would have 239,520 hours to learn. To have each day to get closer to you, I would have 9,980 days available for intimacy. Seems like a whole lot of time. While a lot of that time was not spent in building the right relationship, for the last 8 years it has been changing to something beyond wonderful. I could not imagine my life without you beside me. You are the love of my life and someone I can not live without. I hope you have the best day imaginable for each and every second, minute and hour.”
Now when David says words like that - my friend it’s like rolling in a sea of roses to me. I encourage you to speak that kind of love in your mates life and heart. Don’t knock it ‘til you've tried it!
I’m tempted to say may you have happy Valentine’s Day always, but that just sounds so small scale now that you know something better is out there everyday vs. just on Valentine's Day doesn't it? So, I’ll just say … I hope you have the best ordinary day imaginable for each and every second, minute and hour.
Copyright © 2013 ADE & Associates, Inc.. All rights reservedDavid & Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops, retreats and speaking for singles and couples on creating hope and joy in their relationships. For information or to register for their next available program contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
by Amy EnsmingerWrongdoing and trials expose what is in our hearts, whether the offense comes from our mate or even when we refuse to forgive ourselves. When we are offended by our mates or anyone else for that matter, we react in two ways – the offense or trial either makes our heart bitter or stronger.
When trials come in a relationship, if you get to the 'stronger' side of the offense, your hearts become stronger creating deeper roots that stabilize your future together. If you fail the test and slip into bitterness, you will become resentful of your mate, which causes you to pull away from them and can lead to not just bitterness and resentfulness, but being judgmental, critical and cynical as well.
Obviously, failing the test will also cause great harm that destroys the intimacy in your relationship. If one or both of you are “runners” (if you don’t know what I mean by “runners”, feel free to ask me or attend one of our Couples Training's), it not only destroys the intimacy it can destroy your relationship because pride and fear takes over and you quit, give up or run. The truth is unforgiveness THRIVES when we are “runners”.
That's where forgiveness comes in. I was reminded this week in a group taught by John Crews that mercy, grace and forgiveness begin with humbleness and humbleness begins with letting go of pride and arrogance. I agree it is definitely step one in learning how to forgiven your mate.
• Step 1: Learn, teach and change yourself (not your mate) to be humble getting rid of pride and arrogance not just in your relationship, but in your life. It can be done, but your going to need to get some help and accountability because it’s a tough behavior to create change in. It can be done though one step at a time.
I also was reminded in that group that there is a difference in just forgiving and forgiving from your heart. I agree with that as well. I have read and heard hundreds of processes about forgiveness that actually work from a head level every time. Then slowly but surely resentment begins to creep back in with pride leading the way…all because we didn't truly forgive from our hearts. Until it comes from our hearts, it’s just that --- a process.
• Step 2: Give and Receive Forgiveness from your heart (not your head)
The key is to not let bitterness or resentment set. If you’re struggling with either, it means pride or arrogance got a foot hold and you’ll have to start back with Step 1.
And I know this because…
As a daughter, sister, parent, spouse and with friends as well as with total strangers, I have been confronted with many things that require me to give and receive mercy, grace and forgiveness. I have worked (and continue to work) very hard to do what I’ve needed to do so that I can look at myself in the mirror without bitterness, anger or even unforgiveness, whether it was as the offender or the offended. And of course, I have to do a “check” on whether I have any pride or arrogance around any of it as well.
I realized this week while listening to John Crews in that group, that I was hanging onto unforgiveness as a mother from when someone did great harm to my child. I kept hearing while John was talking…“How can I expect mercy when I am not merciful myself”? Especially since they don’t even know that I am hanging onto it and am bitter towards them.
I’ve never seen unforgiveness healthy in any way, shape or form in my life or anyone else’s. It’s ugly and unattractive no matter who you are. I know that I have poor health right now and this week I’ve been wandering just how much of that is from hanging onto offenses that I have buried deep in my heart and don’t even remember them until I have the courage to really look at grace, mercy and unforgiveness for me and others. Not any more. I am choosing to take a step and work on that...actually I’m going to eat a bit more of that elephant because I know how harmful unforgiveness is to me (and my relationships). No one-step here, I’m going all the way back to Step 1…and get this bitterness out of me before it does even more damage.
The funny thing is unless I hadn’t continued to do things to stretch and grow by attending this group; I don’t know that I would have seen this in my heart for a very long time. It’s easy for us to remember the trials and unforgiveness that is fresh or when the person is in front of us every day. It’s more difficult to see the things that are killing your heart (and relationships) from long ago or out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. I believe that if you are hanging onto them just as I did this one, they are doing the same amount of damage to your mind, body, soul & heart, as my heart attacks did to me. Same thing really…heart disease of the body or heart disease of the mind.
For me, I was hanging onto just because it seems to be easier than dealing with it or because “I’m right and they are wrong”. Sound familiar? Whatever the reason it’s just sad. Sad for me. Sad for you and sad for anyone that chooses that way of living with bitterness, anger and might I add pride and arrogance in their heart.
No more…I chose on Wednesday night to let go of those chains and give mercy to those people for their offense years ago and grace to myself for hanging on to it. Will this journey of forgiveness be easy for me to give to these people? About as easy as it is for pigs to fly. BUT, my heart, life and joy are worth it. And I know it will also give that same life to my relationship with David, because I know that bitterness for others always seeps its way into relationship somewhere if I’d look hard enough. Yep, tough road ahead.
SUGGESTION:
Learn how to break free from the prison of unforgiveness and attend our Next Available Couples Training: April 26-28 or July 26-28. Limited Seating. For more info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.
HOMEWORK:
The Process of Forgiving Your Mate
These first three questions help you get in touch with YOUR feelings, emotions, concerns, and reactions (NOT your mates). They also help you focus on what exactly it is that is causing your hurt.
1. What happened?
What was the offense that continues to bother you? Be specific and give as much detail as you can. (You might want to actually write it out in a private journal.)
2. How did I feel?
What were my emotions: Disappointment? Hurt? Do you feel angry or resentful? Did it cause you to be lonely or maybe even a bit depressed?
3. How did I react?
Did you get angry? Pout? Refuse to talk about it? Pull inward and disconnect? Watch TV? Go to the computer or video games? Go shopping? Eat?
The next three questions move toward reconciliation. They involve some very spiritual-sounding words: confession, forgiveness, repentance. They will bring you toward reconciliation and forgiveness.
1. Confession: What was your part in the conflict or trial?
2. Forgiveness: What do you need to forgive your mate for and is there something you need to ask forgiveness for in this conflict or trial?
3. Repentance: What will you do about it?
SCRIPT FOR YOURSELF:
- “I need to forgive myself for___.”
- “I need to ask forgiveness with my Mate for ___.”
- “I forgive my mate for ___.”
(Remember, you can still feel pain and hurt. Yet in faith, you choose to forgive your Mate. Once you make this choice, often the positive feelings will come later.) Copyright © 2012 ADE & Associates, Inc. All rights reserved
David & Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides couples training's, workshops and retreats. They are also available to speak at your next event. For information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com or contact 800.229.9252.
We teach a simple tool in
our Couples Training that we didn't create.
“A tap B”. We learned it from several
other training’s we have attended. Simply
put, the first person to tap the other is “A” and they talk first. The key is that while they are talking B does
NOTHING but listen. Then when its B’s
turn, A does NOTHING but listen. It’s a
perfect tool we use to create safety and respectful communication in our
training rooms.
Although you might not want
to yell “A tap B’ and then reach across the desk and tap your boss telling he/she
“I’m A”, this process works very well in communicating respectfully with others. In using this tool, it shows respect that
each of you need and deserve in a conversation. When used properly it can also
create safety in your relationship when it might otherwise go sideways in a
conversation.
Let’s back up and go to the
beginning. I have a question for you…do you stink at communication in your relationships? If you aren't sure these are a few tell-tell signs of sabotaging behaviors and habits in
communication that you may be doing. NOTICE:
All of these behaviors begin with “YOU”.
That’s because I want to focus on what you do/say not anyone else:
·
you interrupt them while their talking (I’m still
working on this one!)
·
you say… “yes, yes, yes” or “yea, yea, yea” or “uh-huh,
uh-huh, uh-huh” constantly while they talk
·
you nod your head like a bobbing head dog you see in
the back of a car while they are talking
·
you don’t look at the person when they are talking
(instead you watch TV, cell phones,
reading or video games)
·
you dominate or control the conversation
·
“You too”…when they say something you say … “well,
you do/did it too” or “I only did it because you did it” (I used to
be horrible about this!!!)
·
you communicate with them based upon how YOU need
information/details vs. how they need information/details
·
you are a right-fighter – everything is about being
right or wrong
·
your way or no way
·
you have your rebuttal ready before they even finish
talking
·
you make the conversation all about you
·
you’re a bottomless pit and talk non stop
·
you maintain status quo as to not rock the boat
·
you are negative or pessimistic in your conversation
·
your needy when you are with them in conversation
·
you make everything a joke or throw out zingers all
the time
·
you don’t think before you speak and put your foot in
your mouth
·
you are a bottomless pit
·
you avoid communicating with them all together
·
you exaggerate or lie in your conversations
·
you pretend everything is great (see the behavior
listed above)
·
you have a sharp or edgy “Tone” in your conversation
or voice
·
your passive and don’t participate in the
conversation
·
you bring up the past all the time
·
you attack or are aggressive or critical
·
you stuff your voice vs. giving your thoughts,
opinions & ideas
If you want to have
different communication in your relationship(s), you have to create it. YOU start. YOU lead. YOU inspire. So here are
a few tips for YOU to create change in your communication:
Tip 1: Make this all about … You
Start by changing or
stopping the sabotaging behaviors you bring to the relationship that you
identified above (are there some not on the list?). If you don’t know how, get some help. Go to our couples training; an individual
life training; minister; or counselor.
Get an accountability partner.
Tip 2: A tap B
After you look at your
behaviors, talk to your mate about implementing the A tap B process in your
relationship. David and I did this when
we got back together for a long time and still do sometimes when it is
something that is really important. We
used a stuffed ‘elephant’ to let the other know we wanted to talk. We kept it in the office and when one of us
needed to talk, we put it out on the dining table (now we put it out in the
master closet and sit in the closet talking for more intimacy). When the elephant was out, the other knew that
meant that we needed to talk about something that was important to them.
Tip 3: Happy, Sad, Glad or Mad
When we first started out
with the A vs. B, we had a high failure rate because we only pulled it out when
we had something the other did that made us mad or hurt. The key is to do the A/B dyads about happy,
sad, glad or mad things. That means I
had to learn how to talk AND listen about good things or days, funny things that
happened, how I was hurt by someone or something other than David and how I was
upset with him. If you only talk about
the mad or bad --- the other person will avoid you, avoid the elephant and tune
out or control the conversation. It’s important
to remember when you talk about the mad or bad to focus on how it made you FEEL
vs. the anger. If you do that, they will
hear and respond better.
Tip 4: Who
are you?
We also learned the next most
valuable piece of communicating was understanding who one another really
was. In other words what their
personalities were and how they differed from our own. For example, I love details and David hates
them. When I was talking to David we
noticed I used lots of details and information because I was ASSUMING that he
wanted that information. He was
communicating with me with very little details or information ASSUMING that was
what I wanted. For our relationship,
that way of communicating just wasn’t working.
So he came up with more details and I came up with less. When we were “A” sharing about our hurts or
anger we kept it short (no more than a sentence or two) so that we were heard
by the other. When you go into pages or
paragraphs in a dyad, they will get overwhelmed and not hear what you need them
to hear.
Tip 5: What did
you say?
In the beginning and for a
while we also repeated back to one another what the other said to practice and
teach ourselves how to power listen.
Again, a fantastic reason to keep things short and sweet – they won’t be
able to repeat back to you what was so important if you raddled off a paragraph
or page about it.
HOMEWORK:
Practice the tips above with
your mate (or another relationship).
Don’t forget to use the tips below for “Power Listening”
Tips for Power Listening:
1. Ask them if they need you to just listen or fix what
they are about to share with you
2. Be engaging and attentive...POWER listen!
3. Resist distractions (turn cell, TV, computer -
distractions OFF)
4. Look at them in the eyes
5. Keep your mind open
6. Turn off YOUR agenda
7. Don't be thinking about what you are going to say
when they finish
8. Don't justify, defend or excuse (no "but's or
however's")
9. Practice ACTIVE forgiveness and grace
10. Be flexible
SUGGESTION:
Put an “X” beside all the
sabotaging behaviors above that you do.
If you are doing two or more, we teach you how to communicate with your
mate in our Couples Training – in fact we spend a day and half just on
communication! Check out the next
available training dates on our website.
Good news, you can refresh the training as often as you want until you
get it down!
Copyright
© 2010 ADE & Associates, Inc.. All
rights reserved
David
& Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating
Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops,
retreats and speaking for singles and couples on creating hope and joy in
relationships. For information or to register for their next available
program contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.
by Amy Ensminger
If there were ever a relationship where boundaries could get confusing, it is a marriage or committed relationship, where by design – they "become one flesh".
Boundaries in general foster independence and marriage or a committed relationship fosters togetherness and agreement. That means riight off the bat, unless you are good at understanding and establishing boundaries it can be a state of confusion and confusion in relationships can lead to conflict.
There are obvious boundaries we talk about where you identify who takes care of the checkbook, mows the lawn, cleans the house, takes out the trash, puts the kids to bed or cooks the meals.
Then there are the ones that we don't talk about. They generally are the ones that include someone crossing a line and trying to control the other person’s feelings, attitudes, behaviors, desires, longings, choices and values. If someone tries to control these things about another person, ultimately, the relationship will fail. When these types of offenses happen there are two very clear types of boundary problems that come up:
►Problem #1: The individuals who can't SAY "yes or no"
►Problem #2: The individuals who can't HEAR "yes or no"
And by the way…when either of these problems is going on there can be no intimacy or respect in a relationship.
How you respond to your boundary being offended depends on how you normally responded to hurt or anger growing up and everyone is different on what their disappointment or hurt looks like based upon our childhood and past relationships. If someone is trying to control the other persons feelings, attitudes, behaviors, desires, longings, choices or values its because they are coloring those boundaries or understanding of them with their childhood experiences, offenses or hurts. When someone is doing this they are acting or reacting out of fear which looks controlling to their mate or even acting like a 4-year old throwing a tantrum.
Communication at its best becomes difficult when either of these behaviors is going on. What you are saying or what you are hearing is glossed over with your childhood experiences. Because of that, there is no way that your mate could ever understand the boundary you are trying to explain nor can you hear a boundary that is being explained. See now how confusion and conflict come out of simple boundaries?
For example let’s talk about my relationship with David. When he crosses a boundary or disappoints me by not keeping commitments after we discussed a boundary we both act and react to it from our own childhood experiences. For me that means I most likely said it from a place of anger vs. hurt and responded to it from a position of feeling taken advantage of. Where David most likely heard it from a place of hurt vs. anger and responded to it from a position of wanting peace at all costs. As you can see we are doomed from the beginning to have conflict with those point of views.
That’s of course assuming that I even communicated clearly about the boundary AND consequence to begin with OR didn't expect him to read my mind about any piece of it. Because of all of the confusion of he said/she said and he heard/she heard, most likely I got angry, shut down and crawled into my cave… all because both of us tilted our communication and listening with our childhood events.
In our case, you could ask WHO the greater offender was. The one who crossed the boundary or the one who didn't make the offense, boundary or consequence clear to begin with. My vote is they both have responsibilities here but in this case I believe I would be the one most at fault. (Not to mention my childish behavior of getting angry, shutting down and crawling in my cave.)
Don't get me wrong, I do believe there are responsibilities and consequences when COMMUNICATED boundaries with choices are not honored. Throw rocks at me if you will, but I just believe in most cases miscommunicating the offense, boundary and consequence about something that’s important enough for you to establish a boundary can trump not hearing or understanding what you didn't communicate about well to begin with.
In yours and our situation consequences are different in every offense based upon what you both talked about and understood when the boundary was originally established. That’s why clarity and understanding is so valuable before you end the conversation and agreement.
It would be foolish of me to assume I've walked in either of your shoes enough to recommend what boundaries or consequences you need to be handing out in your relationship. What I can talk about is clarifying with you that a boundary is a choice and is NOT an ultimatum. Giving choices is vital and respectful with boundaries. One clear way to hear whether you are getting or giving a respectful boundary is to notice whether choices are being given.
So, what do some of those choices and ultimatums look like?
- Ultimatums are spoken in anger.
- Boundaries are truly about a respectful choice, spoken in love.
- Ultimatums come from a desire for control and force.
- Boundaries come from a place of power and strength.
- Ultimatums shut down options.
- Boundaries open up choices.
- Ultimatums stop a conversation.
- Ultimatums threaten with consequences.
- Boundaries offer a chance to seek a solution.
- Ultimatums are rigid.
- Boundaries are firm, yet resilient.
- Ultimatums often end a relationship.
- Boundaries invite a relationship to change.
I'm sure you will agree it seems to me that the real difference between the two is the intent of the person speaking. Hopefully with this cheat-sheet you will begin to speak and hear differently about something as valuable as your relationship.
CHALLENGE:
When we first got back together after filing for divorce because of deep wounds and offenses, we established respectful boundaries with choices, not ultimatums. Today, because we've learned how to treat one another with love and respect and live with daily grace for one another, we don’t have a need for boundaries in our relationship. When your relationship is ready…I challenge you to try loving and living in your relationship without the need for boundaries. If it doesn't work for your relationship, you can always go back to living with respectful boundaries with choices.
HOMEWORK:
- I would recommend you begin the small step of identifying the offended boundaries from YOUR childhood (not your mates) and past relationships and note how they made you 'feel'. Look for a pattern of how you felt and how you reacted in these offenses and see if you are still doing that.
- Communicate (be vulnerable) with your mate what came up for you in that exercise to begin to open up the communicate lines about respectful boundaries with choices.
SUGGESTION:
Ask yourself these questions...
- Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
- What are legitimate boundaries?
- What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
- Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
- Are boundaries selfish?
- What do I do if someone keeps disrespecting my boundary?
If you struggled answering any of these questions -- learn how to communicate, resolve conflict and establish boundaries respectfully by attending one of our four Couples Training in 2013.
- Our next available Couples Training is January 25-27 or April 26-28, Irving, TX
- Our next available 1-Day Workshop for Singles & Couples is February 23 on “Improving Communication in Your Relationships”, Carrollton, TX
- For more info or to register contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
Copyright © 2011 ADE & Associates, Inc. All rights reserved.
David & Amy Ensminger are Founders and on
the Board of Directors for Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which
provides training's, workshops, retreats and speaking for singles and
couples about creating hope and joy in relationships. For information or
to register for their next available program contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com
By Amy Ensminger
It can be agonizing; sitting there in a tense house, room or car,
w-a-i-t-i-n-g for an apology that you feel is owed to you. After a while, you have to
ask yourself – ‘exactly how long do I want to sit here, feeling hurt, miserable
and getting angrier by the minute’... or what we call being in a "Crazy
Cycle"
Waiting for an apology or admission of wrong that we think is OWED to us
can be lonely, sad and frustrating. It's easy to fall into right-fighting, score-keeping,
self-pity or anger if we don't get off that crazy cycle. The ironic thing is, your mate is doing the
same thing wherever they are. Then what was something that simply hurt your
feeling begins to turn to resentment, which turns to anger (whether you have an
outburst of anger or stuff it), which can destroy a relationship. At this point, it also means that you don’t have to just
resolve the original thing that hurt your feelings, now you have to resolve
all the other crazy cycle steps that went on as well.
For most couples whether it's minutes, hours, weeks, years the time
ultimately comes when one of you breaks the silence and you both finally escape
from the prison you've both (and everyone around, including your kids) been living
in. Sadly, with most couples, the silence
was broken without true reconciliation of all the feelings, hurt and anger that
you've both just endured.
If you have found yourself in the situation of the "waiting it out" game, it’s the perfect picture of both of you in a right-fight and
score-keeping game with a mega dose of selfishness and pride sitting flat dab
in the middle of it. [OUCH – yes I did just say that!]
Although in the beginning it’s VERY hard to break those sabotaging
behaviors of right-fighting, score-keeping, selfishness and pride, if you truly
love your mate it ultimately isn't important of who is more wrong or who
offended whom first. The most important thing is that BOTH of you want to love
and respect one another enough that you want to mend the damage that’s been
done and make peace.
When David and I get our feelings hurt by the other about something (and
we do), we've learned the value of not waiting it out. We've learned that there is always something
we individually did or said wrong like pouting, anger outburst, withdrawing,
right-fighting, score-keeping, resentment, controlling, judging, being
critical...and so on. Please don’t wait.
Start today by being the more mature person (whether they are or not) and
sincerely apologize. The sooner
you get past the crazy cycle game of finger-pointing and pouting, the sooner
you’ll get to the making up!
CHALLENGE:
We want to encourage YOU to be the first to apologize and start using
the Apology Process below. After flat-lining twice in 2012, David & I are
able to imagine very easily life without one another. Ask yourself these questions:
■What can you do to
help remind yourself to apologize when you are wrong?
■What can you do to
remind you that your mate is too precious for right-fight’s or selfishness?
■Is what you are
holding out for until your mate apologizes first, really worth it?
SUGGESTION:
►Couples: To learn how to
communicate, resolve conflict respectfully, understand & establish
boundaries, identify and stop relationship sabotaging behaviors that are
destroying your relationship and to break free from unforgiveness, anger &
resentment, attend our January 25-27 Couples Training.
►Singles & Couples: If you
are single, couple or can’t get your mate to attend the Couples Training, on
February 23 we will be offering a 1-Day Workshop on “Improving Communication in
your Relationships”
HOMEWORK:
To make your apologies easier, use the 5 steps of the Apology Process we
teach in our training:
1. Confession
2. Apologize
3. Reconciliation
4. Ask Forgiveness
5. Recommit to the Relationship
(To learn how to communicate, resolve conflict respectfully and use the Apology Process with ease attend our Couples Training)
Copyright © 2010 ADE & Associates.
All rights reserved
David & Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for
Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops,
retreats and speaking for singles and couples about creating hope and joy in
relationships. For information or to
register for their next available program contact 800.229.9252 or go to
www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com.
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