So often we don’t acknowledge to our mate what we “need” because of fear. Quite frankly, we are afraid our mate will reject us, our imperfections will be exposed or we will get hurt again.
For all of us, there is something in our human nature that causes us to want to hide vs. being real with our mate (or any relationship). Not being real surfaces through our sabotaging behaviors (actions, reactions, emotions, thoughts) and spills right into our relationship.
Fears that Sabotage our Relationship:
►Fear of Exposure. We fear that our mate will know we aren’t perfect. We are convinced & afraid they will see or hear that we make mistakes, have failures & weaknesses. We wear masks; tell lies; or cover up what is really going on. We focus on being right instead of happy, struggling with anger, judgments & independent behaviors. Cost: Intimacy & Respect
►Fear of rejection. We fear that our mate will not love or accept us for what or who we are. That our mate (or anyone) will believe we aren’t good enough so we wear masks, are image driven & give the “10 o’clock news” when we share our feelings. We avoid intimacy all together, struggling with selfish demands, anger & independent behavior. Cost: Intimacy & Respect
►Fear of being hurt again. We stop trusting our mate & close our hearts off with them because of past hurts. We justify to them and ourselves why we have the walls that we’ve built up. We remind ourselves of all the reasons why we can’t trust them because we just won’t go through that kind of hurt or pain again. We are determined to NEVER let anyone do that to us again. We tell half truths, crawl in our custom made ‘caves’ and hide. We disrespect our mate by not sharing how we really feel, struggling with selfish demands, judgments, anger, dishonesty & annoying habits. Cost: Intimacy & Respect
The key to overcoming all these sabotaging behaviors is to be transparent, authentic and real with your mate, especially in low resources or tough times. The worst possible thing you can do in your relationship is to hide or stuff your true feelings of – hurt; pain; feeling unworthy, unloved, not good enough or feeling stupid or like a failure. We need to get below the anger or rage and share with them why we feel hurt and pain.
CHALLENGE:
Every single one of us need a safe place to fall in our relationship. To create that YOU have to take the first step of being transparent, authentic AND real with your mate.
HOMEWORK:
The biggest tool David & I use for sharing our feelings and having a voice is a stuffed elephant that we keep on our closet shelf. When one of us is happy, glad, sad or mad, we lay the elephant on the closet floor. When we both have the resources to talk, we sit in the middle of the closet, bed or sofa. If I put out the elephant, that means I need to talk with David and his job is to listen (not defend, justify or fix what I’m talking about). When he puts out the elephant, it is my job is to listen.
Fears that Sabotage our Relationship:
►Fear of Exposure. We fear that our mate will know we aren’t perfect. We are convinced & afraid they will see or hear that we make mistakes, have failures & weaknesses. We wear masks; tell lies; or cover up what is really going on. We focus on being right instead of happy, struggling with anger, judgments & independent behaviors. Cost: Intimacy & Respect
►Fear of rejection. We fear that our mate will not love or accept us for what or who we are. That our mate (or anyone) will believe we aren’t good enough so we wear masks, are image driven & give the “10 o’clock news” when we share our feelings. We avoid intimacy all together, struggling with selfish demands, anger & independent behavior. Cost: Intimacy & Respect
►Fear of being hurt again. We stop trusting our mate & close our hearts off with them because of past hurts. We justify to them and ourselves why we have the walls that we’ve built up. We remind ourselves of all the reasons why we can’t trust them because we just won’t go through that kind of hurt or pain again. We are determined to NEVER let anyone do that to us again. We tell half truths, crawl in our custom made ‘caves’ and hide. We disrespect our mate by not sharing how we really feel, struggling with selfish demands, judgments, anger, dishonesty & annoying habits. Cost: Intimacy & Respect
The key to overcoming all these sabotaging behaviors is to be transparent, authentic and real with your mate, especially in low resources or tough times. The worst possible thing you can do in your relationship is to hide or stuff your true feelings of – hurt; pain; feeling unworthy, unloved, not good enough or feeling stupid or like a failure. We need to get below the anger or rage and share with them why we feel hurt and pain.
CHALLENGE:
Every single one of us need a safe place to fall in our relationship. To create that YOU have to take the first step of being transparent, authentic AND real with your mate.
HOMEWORK:
The biggest tool David & I use for sharing our feelings and having a voice is a stuffed elephant that we keep on our closet shelf. When one of us is happy, glad, sad or mad, we lay the elephant on the closet floor. When we both have the resources to talk, we sit in the middle of the closet, bed or sofa. If I put out the elephant, that means I need to talk with David and his job is to listen (not defend, justify or fix what I’m talking about). When he puts out the elephant, it is my job is to listen.
- NOTE: If you just put out the elephant on the mad stuff vs. the happy, glad & sad stuff – they will avoid the elephant!
SUGGESTION:
Learn how to overcome your fears; communicate about what you want to share with your mate in a safe way along with over 50+ tools in our Couples Training. Seating is limited and available to committed & engaged couples; married couples who are stuck or want to enhance their relationship, couples who are separated or divorced and both willing to attend OR couples who have already attended our training and want to refresh the tools and training. For info or to register go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com or call 800.229.9252
About the Author
David & Amy Ensminger are founders of Creating Intimacy & Respect which provides a 2.5-Day Couples Training and 1-Day Relationship Workshop's for Singles & Couples. For more information go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com 
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